Can a happily married man still sext with other women?

I need help. I'm lost and I don't have anyone to turn to...

My husband and I have been married just over a year. I recently discovered that he has been calling sex hotlines, possibly escorts? He's been sexting these women as well. He also is addicted to porn.

I don't know what to do. He used to try to have sex with me every night and that stopped. He said it was because he was busy and tired, etc, etc.

He says he has a problem, that he has a sex addiction. He wants me to stay with him while he finds treatment, but at the same time he's still lying about the extent of everything. He told me this has only been going on for a few months, but I have access to our shared phone contract and I looked and saw that it's been going on for MORE THAN A YEAR!

What should I do? He keeps hiding things from me...

Please help!

I think that you need to get out of there. Tell him how much you don't appreciate his lying and that it hurts too much to be with him.

He obviously needs help and by you being around him that puts more hurt towards you.

Everybody deep down appreciates great honesty in a relationship even if they may deny it to themselves!

Welcome to Psych Central!!
im sorry hes being like this with you. maybe hes too ashamed to say how long it really had been going on for? sometimes "baby steps" is the best way to healing. if it were me, im not so sure how i would cope and deal with it. but taking a step back and seeing it how he might feel or think or his beliefs is the only way i can think of advice in this situation.
treatment is the only way he will get better. but when he does get caught in a lie, one could not engage in that further. that would lower the argueing and would also give him a sense that you dont agree with what he just said.
i dont think there is a quick and easy fix for this...
in my experience, the individual is usually sick, and its more of an addiction than a habit.
the fact that hes admited some of it to you, is actually a very big step.
with that said, keep doing what you need to so that you can stay safe, both mentally and physically.
he may not of realized this yet, but if it were me, i would make sure he was tested for STDs. and i would prolly get tested too to make sure that nothing was transfered during that time.

Hello WillyA: I'm afraid this is such a complex situation it's going to be difficult for anyone here on PC to give a very comprehensive reply to your post. If you do not already see a therapist of counselor, I would recommend this. You need to establish a relationship with a professional who can help you to figure out what you want to do.

Unfortunately, it does sound as though your husband does have some sort of sex addiction. And these sorts of things can be very difficult to break. And also, from what I know of it, the lying & hiding are pretty typical. Your husband definitely does need treatment. However, whether or not he is serious about seeking it remains to be seen.

You are going to have to come to a decision with regard to whether or not you are willing to stick with him one way or the other. Perhaps he will get into treatment & overcome his addiction. Perhaps not. There's not going to be any sure-fire way to know which it's going to be until you get further down the road. Either way, you're going to need some support & someone to help you figure out where you need / want to go from here.

Did you see any " Red Flags" when you dated him ?
I think the best thing to do is separate from him and see if he really dose want to get help and if he dose and you see a change then move back in with him but if he doesn't change and get help then I am afraid you should get out of the marrige so he dose not drag you down .

Two words. Couples counseling.

I can understand why you are so hurt.

Thesneaking, lying, deceit.

You've been emotionally betrayed.

But I am glad that your husband recognizes that he needs help.

I think you need help to to process what you've been through.

Take it easy.

If he is a sex addict, he needs counseling. If he isn't willing to get help and be accountable then I would tell him to leave. It's all about his being responsible for his actions and correcting his behavior. Let him know he can't have both.

This might help you decide.

What I have noticed is people who want to continue abusing something will usually follow a pattern: conceal what they are doing; deny what they are doing; finally admit to what they are doing and indicate they want 'help' to stop; and then either:

Actually follow through with getting help

or:

conceal what they are doing; deny what they are doing; finally admit to what they are doing and indicate they want 'help' to stop

and they will do this as many times as the other person puts up with it.

Here's what I would do: Tell hubs to move out. Set up an equitable financial arrangement whereby you each can live but he doesn't have any of your money to waste on his addiction (you likely cannot control his money other than the support part you deserve to live).

Make it a condition that he get professional treatment for his problem. Get your own therapy so you can understand why you married him. Set a reasonable time limit on recovery.

Be prepared to divorce him if things don't improve; or live a miserable existence if he goes back on his treatment plan.

If my advice seems harsh; living with an addict is far harsher.

WillyA, taken on its own, isolated from the rest of the OP, this phrase gives the impression of a couple in which the H would always try to initiate sex, and sometimes the wife would agree and at other times she would not. Further, the wife would never initiate sex on her own. In the end the H gave up.

I realize that the context speaks of a very different scenario, but in isolation, this sentence paints a picture of his having been chasing you until he got too tired of constant chase and refocused on easier targets.

This sentence stands out and contradicts pretty much the rest of the OP. Maybe you can shed light on why you wrote it?

Sorry to sound harsh but if your husband sexting with another woman he obviously doesn’t love you as much as he claims he does and it probably won’t be long before he is jumping in to bed with other women on a regular basis and having full blown affairs too. I can’t tell you how to live your life but as a happily married man who loves his Wife I would never do any of the things your husband has done because I love my Wife and she is the only woman I want to be with. Your husband’s behaviour does not sound that of a happily married man to me and I don’t know how you can come on here and say it is because he is cheating on you. I am personally not into texting and the other crap that goes with it because I think it is a crappy way to communicate with other people but the people I know that do would be quite pissed off if they found out their partners were doing it with other people.

Again I mean no offence but wake up. No ‘happily’ married man does this. What is going to be his next excuse if you find him with another woman? She tripped and fell on his penis?

to answer the title of your post, "no".

And sexual addiction may be an existing problem for some but seems to me far too often it is used as an excuse or scape goat for the horrible infidelity some people engage in and it removes the sense of responsibility by making it some kind of sickness.

find out why he is doing what he's doing. sexual addiction can be a lame excuse.
that being said you need to gather the facts and understand what it is he has done and why.
good luck

Sexual addiction can be used as a lame excuse, but I do believe it is a very real issue. Sexual addiction is just another coping mechanism, we get a high from sex and from arousal just like all other drugs. This high makes us feel good, feel wanted and allows us to let go for a moment or two. Your husband is probably trying to fill a void within himself or using the arousal from the interactions to feel wanted and needed.

I agree with Hamster_Bamster... it seems like your husband wanted you every night and probably was denied often, just assuming here, and eventually gave up. His insecurities and emptiness only grew with this possible rejection and his "addiction" and actions became worse. Your possible rejection is not exactly the issue for his addiction seeing as to how you said this has been happening for awhile and you only been married a year?!?

I suggest you two seek help: Couples Counseling, Sex Addiction Therapy and you both probably need individual therapy. A possible separation is another suggestion. You have to take care of yourself and your feelings. Something like this can really destroy your psyche and your self-worth and will destroy trust. Its going to be a slow process but if you both want it to work than you will persevere.

Best of luck!

He definitely does have an addiction- I would recommend a recovery group, counseling and probably marital counseling as well. It is not something that's unfixable, but it will take time and work to overcome. Hang in there, stay strong!