waiting

I have been dating a warm, sexy, smart, playful, affectionate guy for three months now. We have many interests in common, and have fun together. We are both intuitive and read each other well.

He is also seriously independent. It's a big issue. He is freaked out at the idea of being in a serious relationship. It's hard for him to trust anyone in an intimate way, and I think it's hard for him to let me trust him. He has an active night life and many long-term friends, and disappears into this life when we are not together.

Just when we start getting a little close he will disappear for several days. I don't continue emailing or calling, but inside I am dying every time he does that. I try to take care of myself and am seeing a therapist, but I feel sick to my stomach and wake up early in the morning, every 10 minutes, hours before my alarm goes off. I can't concentrate on anything else, although I try to continue with my own activities anyway.

I have abandonment issues that I have been addressing for years. I want to give the relationship a chance, but don't know if I can physically sustain this any more. It has happened a few times now. We talked about it some the most recent time, made some progress, had a great evening a few nights ago ... and now he's off the map again.

Please ... help me reframe this somehow. Can I be true to myself without simply ending the relationship?

I am new to the board. Thank you for listening, and for your insight and presence here!

Hi Jade --

As I just posted in another thread in relationships, some of us have to do some serious sorting through our emotions. I, too, was attracted to guys who pulled this kind of stuff. I thought it was "exciting" that they were independent, attractive to other women, blah, blah.

Mostly, I had to learn healthier ideas about love than the ones I had. It was not an overnight process.

I had what I thought was a healthy, loving relationship for 15 years. When he abruptly left, my abandonment and trust issues kicked in. So now I'm dealing with stuff again.

Still, 15 peaceful years was nice long run, and I couldn't have had those if I hadn't done a lot of work on myself.

Maybe I'm misreading what's going on between you and this man, but he sounds like a bad bet for a stable, loving relationship. But what do I know? I don't know you or him or really, much about anything . . .

Good luck figuring it out. We are here for you.

I say stop "waiting" and let go, move on, and after spending some healing/healthy time with yourself alone, find someone who doesn't cause you anxiety. I've been there/done that and am speaking from experience.
Patty

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Can I be true to myself without simply ending the relationship?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Can you be true to yourself for pretending this is a relationship you want? (((hugs)))