[gayleggg]

My husband told me the other day that when I get irritated with him about something it only makes him want to irritate me that much more. We seem to be in a no-win situation. We are very different and have different attitudes toward money and I know this is a common issue, but right now he seems to be mocking with his retorts.

This bothers me as I was hoping we could grow closer after the depression lifted and I only feel more distant. We are polar opposites when it comes to money, me being conservative and him being non-conservative. We have been married 17 years and have not been close for most of this time mainly due to the fact we are also polar opposites on child rearing dealing with a blended family. Now I feel due to money issues we have to stay together because neither of us can afford to live alone. Not a marriage made in heaven but more like roommates.

I feel like he is saying he acts like a jerk and it's my fault, however, I wonder now if I'm being to picky about things I should just let go. But during my first marriage I let myself become dependent and unable to think for myself because I yielded every time my husband gave me negative feedback.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I change my actions but still get across that I disagree without pissing him off?

I think I'm just sounding off here and trying to be objective. I intend to discuss this with my counselor as well. Just thought I would see what others had to say.

Thanks.

[healingme4me]

It's not just a matter of letting go, per se, but looking at where there can be compromises. With his attitude of wanting to irritate you more, rather than displaying an ounce of compassion and desire to meet somewhere in the middle, leaves me wanting to ask, is he seeing his own individual therapist? Sounds like he could use some letting go work and learning to not harbor resentment, the resentment that leads to his desire to irritate you.
Perhaps, making a list for yourself. The unbendables, the areas that can be compromised, and what can be taken off the metaphorical table/drawing board, can help?

And, yes, I felt like this with my exh.

[Fuzzybear]

[hvert]

The thing he said about how when you are irritated, he just wants to irritate you more -- I don't see how you can fix that by just being less picky. That's something that comes from him.

If you do feel like you are being too picky, then I would address that separately, not dependent on expectations of a certain outcome from him.

[SeekerOfLife]

Can you go to couples therapy?

[CaptainChaos79]

Perhaps a whiff of his own cologne would do the trick?

[gayleggg]

I like that CaptainChao. lol

Seeker, we've tried couples counseling in the past and he just gets defensive and never likes the counselor if they support me in any way. I will say that in the past I've done some things in my manic states that he still holds resentment for but can't admit.

hvert, thanks. I think your are right about separating the two.

healingme4me, he doesn't see a therapist himself because he doesn't think he has a problem. He only sees me as the problem. Divorce has occurred to me and was very close to it in the past but really we can't financially manage alone. Ugh! Money, the root of all evil.

Fuzzy, thanks for you input.

[lizardlady]

Gayleggg, you said that you are like roommates. Could you handle thew money situation as if you were roommates? Each of you contributes half to household expenses and spends the rest of their money how they choose?