protective orders in non-physical sense

This is exactly what I would write. Thanks for worldwide support!

No, my ex husband would not come to the job site and threaten me or anybody. Not his style. Defamatory letters - that is his style!

About 6 months ago I wrote an email to Maria (who is 16 already), just a few lines of praise, after she published a short story online. The story is the #1 result on Google if you search for her first and last name (there are millions of Maria's but her last name is rare enough so she has a unique first+last name combo). Maria wanted to be a teacher or a journalist from an early age. She used to write stories. It is basically her thing. So the story is about something that I personally have no clue about AT ALL - a very niche thing. But she writes well, using short sentences, vivid language, tropes, contrast - she is quite skilled. So I told her that the writing grabbed me even though I do not know the subject matter and actually find it boring, but her use of vivid terms etc. made me read the whole piece with pleasure.

And I reminded her how in elementary school she wanted to be a journalist or English teacher and how glad I was to ... etc etc

So I thought that it was good. It was not superficial praise ("good job") - I called out specific things that I admired, and, linked her first accomplishment (first publication) to the dreams she formed during her elementary school days.

And, the email was just one paragraph long.

What do you think happened afterwards? I am sure everybody by now knows what kind of person I am dealing with and can easily predict that:

Ex H wrote to the psychologist, my attorney and me that I was...

...cyberstalking Maria.

I actually looked up cyberstalking in California code. It is a serious crime. Obviously, a paragraph of praise for Maria in the absence of a prior request not to write to her was not cyberstalking.

I then looked up defamation in California code and it fit him to a tee.

So I really like Eskie's idea about mentioning the custody battle because it is common knowledge that people do all sorts of nasty stuff when in the middle of a divorce and custody battles.

I think I will ask the recruiter to forward the message to HR, because the recruiter is super nice and we have emailed back and forth a lot and talked on the phone, too. Recruiters must be connected to HR in some way.

I learned to be pedantic. You won't believe how, but I did.

So the attempt was in Jan 2009. My giving up custody and visitation happened in Sept 2009. For some reason - I do now remember exactly what - I went to the email archive and started chronicling the events for Susan (the psychologist who is writing a narrow focus report).

I went through email and made a spreadsheet (thank goodness for Excel and Excel skills). First, I organized the emails chronologically. Then, I categorized them by issue, provided quotations from emails, and color-coded.

It was the most eye opening exercise I ever did.

For several months before the attempt, I (this is almost as if Cinderella's Stepmother had assigned work tasks to me):

1) handled all of the insurance reimbursement for Ted - since he used out of network providers, I had to submit reimbursement claims, follow up, call, fax, etc.

Now - he was not working and could have done that job himself.

2) spent several hours on the phone and exchanging faxes with the mobile provider trying to resolve some issues with Ted's phone charges

3) handled all the purchasing and wrapping birthday gifts when the kids were invited to birthday parties... sometimes exchanged emails with parents to find out details (does your child use PC/MAC? kind of things); every time kids would sign up for something online and needed parental consent, I got the emails from websites

4) did stuff for the project Ted was into at that time (he thought he invented some unique technology or whatever) which he could have done himself

5) was promoted (this means a fairly high anxiety period before the decision)

6) handled financial things

7) handled scheduling appointments for the kids; one Ted wrote to me saying that he would not take Julia to her dentist because he was not the one who made the appointment but I was, so I had to leave work and come back and of course I was extremely stressed out without realizing it

8) engaged a psychologist whose notes (I asked for them several months ago) state that I was being responsibilized as an adult in my Family of Origin, was made to feel responsible for the mistakes of other people etc. etc. so I learned to be self-critical and become easily susceptible to manipulation by others through that vulnerable spot of feeling responsible for others and for their deeds and mistakes. The psychologist also noted overwhelming stress. And, overwhelming feelings of guilt.

9) made inquires in regards to potential graduate schooling for Ted

10) dealt with the landlady and the handyman whom she sent for house repairs

11) the last but not the least - worked full time
***

When I read his notes, I thought to myself: "Yes, I know this now, because my therapist and I have worked and worked and worked for 2 years and arrived at that insight, but this guy got it right in 8 sessions... wow."

Of course, my ex at that time blamed the psychologist for missing the signs of an approaching attempt and said horrible things about him so I did not go back to him, and now I see that it was a big mistake. I then wrote to the psychologist:

"So it was basically all discovered. I cannot believe I have recently spent so much effort essentially re-discovering and re-inventing the wheel."

And he responded with: "sorry to hear about all the turmoil. And it's sad that you've had to go through that. " because, I gather, there was not much else that one could say.

***

The color-coding basically tells the story. I have one line in grey when I did something for Ted's project, then two lines in orange for handling emergencies, then red for his refusal to take Julia to the appointment, etc.

The colors jump - red, orange, grey, yellow, orange again etc. - and paint a picture of horrifying overwhelm better than words can. They say "a picture is worth a thousand words" for a good reason. Basically, one can go crazy just staring at the spreadsheet. For some reason what is most striking to me is that minor detail of my calling the mobile provider, precisely because it was so minor. I remember feeling so guilty that I was anxious to do everything for him.

***

I sent the spreadsheet to the psychologist. When I came to see her, she old me that I could work as a forensic investigator. I first got scared, because the word "forensic" sounded scary. She explained that they would organize timelines like that. She added that for her narrow focus report this is not needed, but my work would be super useful for the full scope custody evaluation. She told me that I had basically prepared everything already.

***

All hail Excel! And, not only color-coding but filtering. For example, in 4 months before the attempt I handled Ted's healthcare (not reimbursement, but finding doctors, inquiring about the charges from prospective drs. etc) 5 times. Birthday gifts for the girls' friends - 8 times. Dealing with the landlady - 5 times.

Talk about eye-opening.

This was I learned the value of being pedantic, and Susan later asked me to go over ALL the emails she and I exchanged and organized them by time and issue the same way, adding "because you organize information so well".

So EXCEL is my therapist now. And a very effective one! Speaking of therapy, after that exercise I asked my current therapist about my diagnosis, and she said that she knows me enough to give the following opinion as professional judgment - I had predisposition toward bipolar because my late mom had bipolar, and severe stress over a prolonged period of time triggered bipolar in me. So now I have it, in a relatively light form, but I do. That is ok - I see that there are many blessings and advantages that come with being bipolar, so I am not SAD that I have it - rather, I am GLAD that I survived!!!