[sparky49111]

Hi, I have a question about a man who continually puts his birth family ahead of the marital family. For the last 43 yrs. my husband has always gone out of his way to make sure he does everything he can for his mom and dad. They've gone on vacations,been given money and gifts and generally catered too over his own material family of me and our 3 kids. His father was an abusive alcoholic and the mother babied the boys and catered to them. Over the yrs I've dealt with it because they are his parents and my childrens grandparents. Father did stop drinking. When they would visit they went right into their little huddle and excluded anyone else who was around. We live in the town where my husband grew up in Michigan and I moved here after marring and meeting him in Florida. I'm an only child from divorced parents. My mother left her nursing job to relocate here to be close to me and grandkids but we didn't have the possessive attitude or exclusiveness his family did. Everything revolved around them. Now fast forward 40 yrs and my mom and dad are both gone and I only have my 2 children (oldest one was killed in accident) and grandchildren. Our son is in AZ and daughter about 100 miles away. Since 2005 till present I've had 11 operations 4 shoulder 2 of which were replacements and a knee replaced serious stuff and my husband 6 plus he had a stroke and Guillian Barre. From 2006 till this last april one or both of his parents have been in either a nursing home or hospital from many different things. During this whole time my husband almost every night went to see them. We had a business we ran from home and our son was the manager. The work went down hill and we went into a lot of debt eventually our son had to move because he needed to support his family. My husbands focus was always on his parents. He left all the business and household matters to me. There was always a lot of sibling rivalry promoted in his family with my husband always trying to buy their love with time and money at the expense of his marital family. So of coarse he didn't want to hear we were going in the hole and wouldn't have survived if not for a home equity line of credit. Both of his parents have now passed away and I thought good maybe we could move a little closer to our kids and grandkids. We sold our house. Our grand daughters we've not seen in 5 yrs due to our health and his parents. But no my husband went and put money down on a mobile home in the park where his best friend lives without telling me after we were looking into condos. I'm so hurt and angry over this and if I want to be with him I've got to move there. Also his brother lives close by. This just confirms what I've felt all along that he never bonded with his marital family. This move will be a lot more costly if we go our separate ways but I've had it. I feel like I was stabbed in the back. There was no discussion or any trying to work on a compromise. Are their people who only bond with their birth family and not be able to have real relationships with their spouses and children? The younger brother can't keep a relationship with a woman either. Has had several girlfriends at the same time.

[kaliope]

hi sparky
it is unfortunate that your husband continues to place his family over you and your kids. it sounds like you have given up your life and happiness for his choices. what you have to figure out is if you are willing to give up the rest of your life as well. he is not going to change. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[hamster-bamster]

I think there are two issues: whether to separate from him and what to do with his unilaterally putting a down payment on a mobile home. On the former issue, you have already said that you have had it, and it sounds like the husband has overstayed his welcome by 40 years or so. On the latter, maybe something can be done. I do not know if Michigan is a community property state, but, the "innocent spouse" protection is federal/national to the best of my knowledge. Maybe you cannot undo his putting a down payment, but at least you can get yourself off the hook with respect to payments on the mobile home. Given your age, potential future issues with Medi-Care etc., I would engage a lawyer who does both estate planning and family law.