[5580acoaspouse]

My husband is now dealing with his acoa issues. The way that it's is coming about is really hurting me. I feel like it is my fault that he feels the way he does. He has just now brought it to my attention that he doesn't like when I drink or the ways family drinks. I feel my whole marriage has been a lie. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I'm scared to talk to him now that I have learned more about acoa. I feel lost and sad. I don't understand how you can one day say I don't like this, I never have after so many years. How does one change their whole life? Who do you do things behind someone's back, hurt them, and then try to make it a great relationship again? Why did this man marry me, start a family and now decide I need to make changes? HELP

Hello acoaspouse: Did your husband actually say he never has liked your & your family's drinking? Or did he say he doesn't like it now? From my perspective, for him to say he doesn't like it now is legitimate. However, for him to now say he has never liked it, when he apparently never mentioned it before, is probably unfortunate. There must have been many opportunities for him to mention it in the past, if it bothered him. Since he did not, it would probably have been best if he had simply left the past out of it.

On the other hand, it seems to me that this unfortunate statement on his part does not really warrant your calling your entire marriage into question either. What you wrote about what your husband said, & your reaction to it, suggests to me the two of you may have some deep-seated issues that have gone unspoken of for the bulk of your marriage. Perhaps some individual counseling for each of you & / or some marriage counseling for the two of you is in order to help the two of you to come to understand each other's perspective & to come to some agreement with regard to how to proceed from here. Again, from my perspective, the one thing you both do not want to do is to simply wait for the whole thing to blow over & to go back to your same old patterns.
My best wishes to both of you.