Getting over desire to be in a relationship?

After going through depression for years and begin treated for it, I am finally starting to feel normal again and usually I feel content with life overall (very thankful for that!).
However, I really want a relationship and thinking about my loneliness gets me in very sad moods on a somewhat regular basis.

My last serious relationship was 5 years ago and he was my first love. He broke my heart and that's partly what led to my depression. I've healed from that but I think it left me with the desire to experience that again.

I haven't been involved with anyone in years and it's been very difficult watching almost all of my friends experience what I want so badly but never seem even close to having. (I'm very happy for them of course, just can't help feeling jealous!)

Anyone I talk to about it just kind of dismisses me because they say I'm young and I'll meet someone at some point. I understand this, but that doesn't help when I'm feeling really down. I think the one thing holding me back from real happiness is this unnecessary desire for a relationship.

Have any of you experienced this? Does anyone have any advice for me in terms of letting go of this desire or at least not letting it get me down?

(((letsdance)))

I know that it's very hard to be alone sometimes. Personally, I have always struggled with that part of life. In retrospect, however, I can now see how much stronger and healthier I was when I was a single young female adult.

I spent my time working (as a waitress) and exercising daily (going for long walks, jogs & aerobics) to boost my mood. It worked pretty well, actually. Whenever a man came into my life, things sort of went South for me. I (have) had a habit of picking unhealthy men. None were abusive, but my relationships just haven't been healthy.

I have a tendency to drop my little rituals and picks theirs up instead. Sitting around; drinking; watching tv frequently; etc. My point is that it would be a lot healthier to stick to your guns when you start seeing others. Continue seeing and/or talking with your friends regularly ~ DON'T drop your friends. {That's a biggie that most women are guilty of, like myself. } Continue working on finding your true interests in life and following that path. {That's another biggie for us women, but it also applies to men.} Sometimes, we get hooked up in romance, and we're having families of our own before we're somewhat prepared. This can lead to a lot of frustration, financial problems, as well as relationship and individual problems.

Focus on school ~ there are so many fascinating classes to take in college, I absolutely loved it!! Devoting oneself to college courses takes a lot of energy too, so that can help us get out of the lonely state of mind...imo.

I hope that I've given you a little something helpful to apply to your world. very best wishes sent your way.

It's sounds like you've become attached to the idea of a relationship being a source of happiness. Being in a relationship is different than being single. For some it's better for others it isn't. So while you see what your friends have and want what you think will make you happy, keep in mind that it may not. It's better to be single and happy than to be in a relationship and miserable. Take your time and find the right person, that way the relationship really does make you feel secure and happy instead of finding yourself in the middle of a stressful situation that makes you feel worse rather than better.

Hey letsdance.... I can certainly relate to some of the things you communicated in your post - not because I am currently experiencing those feelings, but I had at some point in my past.

Society very much conditions you (us) to believe you NEED to be in a relationship to be 'happy' and 'content'. That it's expected of you and that if you don't follow this 'model' then there is something 'wrong' or 'lacking' with you - and this can promote (unnecessarily) feelings of inadequacy and subtle feelings of having failed to meet expectations. It's really important to recognize the conditioning and social-engineering that occurs within our society and to understand that it is not always about looking out for the health, well-being, and best interests of the individual in all circumstances.

If you find yourself becoming allured/enchanted at the thought of being in a relationship and want to counteract such feelings - spend some time contemplating all the people out there who are unhappy and dissatisfied with their relationships/marriages, and who privately wish they were single again (like you) and have their personal freedom & greater sense of individuality back. Many of them feel 'stuck' and are afraid to go make a major life-change by ending their relationships after having become acclimated to their current lifestyle after a prolonged period of time. They fear being 'on their own' again even though they know their relationship is not promoting their well-being. I'm not trying to promote a pessimistic view of relationships by communicating this, just trying to add some balance with regards to what's really going on out there. It's easy for people to adopt an overly-idealistic view of what that 'perfect relationship' would be like because it promotes warm feelings within - but this is rarely the case with regards to what the majority of people will experience in practice.

Something else you can do is to reflect upon the benefits/advantages/positives that you hold onto by remaining single. You have the highest degree of free will available to you - you don't have to run your decisions by anyone else for their approval and you can choose to do anything at any time that you'd like. Your sense of individuality is preserved - you are not preoccupied with conforming to another individual's expectations/likes/dislikes. You are free to be yourself and express yourself any way you see fit without having to worry about someone else's approval (or disapproval). You have more free time on your hands to pursue your interests, hobbies, and things which you find rewarding. You are not spending lots of time participating in someone else's desired activities/interests/practices solely because this person is your 'partner'. You are free to pursue platonic relationships/friendships with any one and everyone without any concern about your 'significant other' becoming jealous or controlling. I've seen a lot of individuals get married only to lose contact with their existing friends. One thing I noticed with many relationships in the degree to which social contact outside of the relationship is discouraged and minimized.

Lastly, I wanted to share this passage from a book with you and let me know if you feel it's relevant/applicable (if not, simply disregard it):

"The fact is, however, external changes are not going to solve your problem because they don’t address the root of your problem. The root problem is that you don’t feel whole and complete within yourself. If you don’t identify the root properly, you will seek someone or something to cover it up. You will hide behind finances, people, fame, and adoration. If you try to find the perfect person to love and adore you, and you manage to succeed, then you have actually failed. You did not solve your problem. All you did was involve that person in your problem. That is why people have so much trouble with relationships. You began with a problem inside yourself, and you tried to solve it by getting involved with somebody else. That relationship will have problems because your problems are what caused the relationship. It is all so easy to see once you step back and dare to look at it honestly." - Michael Singer (The Untethered Soul)

Focusing on internal/spiritual growth was the best decision I ever made in my life. Well it was brought about by certain circumstances I experienced but I'm very thankful that things played out this way. I just want you to know that you absolutely can transcend any feelings of loneliness, jealousy, inadequacy that you may be experiencing or have experienced in the past. In actuality, you do not require any one else to 'complete you' or make you feel 'whole' - although on the surface level it can initially seem that way. My advice to you is to direct your conscious energy to refining/healing/improving your internal state of being. Expanding your state of conscious awareness, broadening your perception of your true nature and the nature of reality/existence, working on releasing emotional energy/blockages that was created from prior life experiences, finding ways to help and be of service to others. This is a really important endeavor and has permanent, unchanging implications as far as your state of consciousness is concerned. Whereas you may have thought your found the 'ideal' relationship and then it does not last and you find yourself feeling inadequate & lonely again. It's conditional in that regard, because you require something outside of you to fulfill certain 'needs' or to fill 'voids'.

I'm not a glass half empty type of person either - I hope I dont sound like I'm writing off relationships altogether. You may find that ideal partner and enter into a rewarding, long-lasting relationship. But it's really important that you dedicate your time and energy to improving/elevating your inner state and independent of any 'need' to be in a relationship. You do it for you and your well-being, not because you are trying to attract someone else in your life. It will improve your ability to function in this world, strengthen you, make you wiser, and allow you to be of greater service to others that you encounter down the road. I believe it also has implications beyond this lifetime but I won't go pushing my spiritual beliefs on you. If a suitable match comes into your life along the way - you will have a greater sense of awareness and a clearer perception of what's before you and you won't be jumping into some relationship fueled largely by feelings of loneliness, inadequacy or out of needs to fill voids.

I hope you find this communication useful/helpful in some regard.... Feel free to reach out if you feel you would like to discuss this subject matter further.

I liked your reply Webgoji and strongly agree with the bolded/underlined.

Thank you for the advice!
I am 100% focused on school and am trying to make the most of it before I graduate in June. That does get exhausting though and even through that I still want a relationship.

Yeah I agree that I'd rather be single and happy than be in a relationship and be sad! I am definitely not that person who jumps into a relationship just because I want one, I would've done that a long time ago if so. I will wait for that person, it's just the waiting that is rough!
Thanks for your advice!

Thank you very much for your detailed reply!
I totally agree that society convinces us that we need a relationship, and I have thought about that before. That's probably part of why I want a relationship so bad, but I think it's also because of my past relationship and how much I enjoyed it.

I also totally acknowledge the benefits of being single. I probably am not aware of them all since I've been used to being single for so long, so that's good advice to keep those in mind. Will do!

I do like that passage and it's completely relevant. I definitely have a feeling that maybe I don't feel complete and that's why I want this so bad. It's hard though because while I know we can always improve ourselves, I feel more comfortable with myself now than I have in years, so it confuses and exhausts me to think that I'm still not where I 'could' be.
I will keep in mind the advice you gave, it's very helpful, thank you!