[here today]

After 4 years when my adult daughter wasn’t communicating with me, we reconnected last year and things have been going pretty well for a year. I have had mental health issues for years and done my best to get help and deal with them. I’ve had a little success in the last few years but I’m not used to being secure in myself and don’t have a lot of skills.

My daughter called today and seemed to want some kind of closeness or something that I didn’t feel that I was providing or knew how to provide. Also, there was one time when she was talking about something about her son and I felt scared for him because of her attitude toward him. So I said something about a different kind of attitude in what was probably a know-it-all way and she responded “Oh, I must have triggered something” and I agreed once she pointed that out. But I hadn’t been aware of the triggering, just the fear – I guess fear could be a good signal to me that something is probably being triggered. But I’d never gotten that feedback before.

I still think my daughter’s attitude was a dysfunctional one that she undoubtedly learned growing up, but now I’m better and don’t want another generation to suffer from the dysfunctional stuff. Well, I guess that’s not up to me, even if my daughter got the dysfunctional attitude from me. And who knows? Maybe the boy isn’t being hurt by it like I was.

But this conversation with her also illustrates why I’m guarded and scared of being spontaneous with her, which then means that I’m emotionally unavailable, which is part of the pattern from the past.

We ended the conversation talking about plans to get together in January to do some fun things with the kids, so I guess maybe it just was a bump as we have discussed and agreed would happen.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I’m not good at reading social cues and I’m kind of stiff but I try.

[Rose76]

If you were "scared for" your grandson because of his mother's "attitude toward him," then it seems you have serious misgivings about your daughterls way of parenting. Your misgivings may be well-founded. (I'm not in a position to know.) Would you like to talk about that. It's hard to give feedback when you give no specifics.

I have no children, but I am told that there is just about nothing that a woman will resent more than any intimation that her way of mothering is other than what might be in the best interests of her child. You have to tread ever so lightly in this territory.

[here today]

Yes, I do have misgivings. But for right now the kids are doing well, the older ones in particular are doing better than my daughter at the same age. So I would probably advise myself to keep my mouth shut about such things in the future. I very much appreciate your comments.

[Rose76]

I don't know that being guarded has to equate to being emotionally unavailable. Being available isn't all about being spontaneous. Sometimes you just need to be carefully attentive . . . letting her know you hear her . . . without being reactive to what you hear. Sometimes, I think, we forget that we have the option to not react.