[JosephR]

I'm not sure where to post this one, So here works I guess.

Most of my immediate family is...toxic, As in they seem to think the dsm entries for things like sociopathy and narcissism was a how to guide for how to live your life. And Don't get me wrong I'm not model of mental health ether,But I'm happy being me over here and ignoring the world as best I can most of the time. I have my hobby and I'm making good progress in it all things considered. I'm a year into 3d modeling and I've gone from no skills in art whatsoever to sucking at it. I'm happy with that and I have high hopes for the next year. BTW if you ever want to do something humbling. Sculpt a human face from memory.

But here is my issue, My parents want me to play nice with my sister who likes to do the whole blackmail, manipulation,vandalism, slander and theft thing on me (or anyone else in her life that has some degree of success and happiness) . And explode violently when I express my reluctance to breath the same air as her due to her past actions.

So, any advice on what to do for Christmas dinner, aside from now show up, I kinda got to do that for the next few years, In all practicality my parents do not have many left.

[kaliope]

if you feel you must show up, then refrain from expressing your reluctance to share the same air as your sister. do not talk to her at all. remember it takes two for conflict to take place. you are the kindling and she is the lit match. she comes at you and ignites the pile and boom, you have conflict. you both had a role. so if she comes at you, you choose to move your pile of kindling so she cant ignite it, then there is no conflict. the choice is yours again and again. im sorry sister,this conversation is no longer constructive, I am not going to participate in it any longer. repeat that in a calm firm voice over and over. remove yourself from the area if necessary.

[JosephR]

I'll keep a witness handy as well. my brother and I played this game before with her. Although if someone knows some novel way to deal with these situations. I will be a very very good student and listen!

[tallulahxoxo]

Do you really have to go?
I'm not going to any family functions this year and that is a huge relief to me. (:

Last year I went and whenever my stepsister said something rude I completely ignored it. (Like she was not even there) I sort of clung to my brother whom I love.
At any rate it's not worth it to me this year.

[Ripose]

When she gets out of line just say "I bet your parents don't like you very much." Then run!

[hvert]

I would just limit my time. I find that if I can keep the family dinner under 2 hours, I'm okay.

[allme]

If it is going to set you back then why go at all? What is important is your mental health! If you do have to go, don't really speak to her, just smile and nod and everything she says or if you feel you have to say something keep it down to small talk and just walk away if she starts any of her nonsense.

My ultimate advice is not to go but I also understand it isn't as easy as that especially around this time of year!

If your an adult do what you want to do , my advise skip the drama and vist your parents when your sister is not around .

[toolman65]

When she attacks you, agree with her.

End of conversation.

[gayleggg]

When showing up is a must, I try to work at calming myself before the event with deep breathing excersises. Then I try to stick to myself and keep my mouth closed(as this is one of my big problems) and remind myself I'm there for the comfort of someone I love(used to go to a family dinner for my dad's sake, where arguing was considered a fun past time.)

Try to stay calm and separate from the drama. Not easy, I know but it's about the best that you can do. Sit back and just observe. Sometimes it can be fun to look for the humor in such a situation.

Good luck.

[gayleggg]

Hi, Joseph. I just recieved this in an email right after I replied. I thought you might find it helpful.

Start With Stillness
Before engaging with a difficult person, spend a few minutes trying to adopt a more receptive frame of mind. Go for a stroll, meditate, or breathe deeply to center yourself—you'll be less likely to blow up. If tempers do flare once you start talking, take a short break to regain perspective before approaching your nemesis again.

Give and You Shall Receive
Do the unexpected and give your foe a gift: your undivided attention. ask her open-ended questions; she'll feel heard and more inclined to consider what you have to say. Plus, research has shown that offering even a small act of kindness can boost oxytocin levels, meaning you'll likely feel better about your relationship for that reason alone.

Let it Go
Holding a grudge won't make a person change her behavior—you don't have that much power over someone else. To move on, repeat this mantra: "Her actions take up too much real estate in my brain. If I move them out, I can live freely."

It came from and email I get from Oprah.com

[brainhi]

If it's too hard to pretend - if it were me, I would not go. Do your parents want everyone to pretend everything is ok. I like the idea to do something special with your parents that does not include your sister. Good luck.

[hvert]

Gayle, thank you for that post - I think I will put it on my phone so I can refer to it during the family get togethers over the next few days!!

[JosephR]

I'm not sure what it means and i'll put this into the "consider it later when I have perspective and or the looking for trends bin" But I find it vaguely wrong to consider my relative issues in the category of relationships.

My brother and I are going to visit tomorrow just so we do not risk feeling guilty about it twenty years from now. At the first sign of drama/manipulation/exploitation we have decided to leave. As cold as it sounds the bar for being part of my life right now that I am trying to enforce is no manipulation/exploitation.

[lkbun14]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

When showing up is a must, I try to work at calming myself before the event with deep breathing excersises. Then I try to stick to myself and keep my mouth closed(as this is one of my big problems) and remind myself I'm there for the comfort of someone I love(used to go to a family dinner for my dad's sake, where arguing was considered a fun past time.)

Try to stay calm and separate from the drama. Not easy, I know but it's about the best that you can do. Sit back and just observe. Sometimes it can be fun to look for the humor in such a situation.

Good luck.

This is exactly what I'm trying to remind myself of this year! It can sometimes be easy to get upset or get caught up in an argument, but I'm trying to let go of this. I know i'll enjoy myself more!

[JosephR]

Well things went all right, All things considered.
My sister tried to get me to sign over my disability checks (well set up a direct deposit) Because she has kids and I don't, bla bla bla bla bla bla.

Somehow her later temper fit when I opted not to do that is my fault according to my parents. But that is the norm.

And somehow to me this is a good get together with my family by my standards.

[theantiquatedhousew]

I hope you spent the holidays doing what makes you happy. Surround yourself with the people who make you happy. I have spent my entire life with a toxic family. It has done nothing but make me more miserable over time. I wish I had moved across the country 20 years ago.