[sinking]

Hello, i would really appreciate any input, please.

at this point, i dont think i am made for relationships, but still thats all i want. i want a boyfriend, then husband, kids... a family.

but everytime i am in a relationship i feel trapped and like pushing him away. i thought it was due to my intimacy fears but i've faced them and i dont think thats the problem anymore, or not all about that only.

whats wrong with me?

i have the boyfriend of my dreams, i love him, but i dont feel "in love" and i rarely feel excitement, happiness, desire.... i keep thinking i want to be left alone. but i dont want to give up. he is the right one, i know it, but my stupid feelings get in the way.

any idea of why thats happening? what do i do?
please, some help? i dont want to ruin my life with my own hands again.

My advise would be go see a therapist because they can help you find out what is the root of your problems .
We can only guess but I think it's more deeper then you think .

Do you have low self-esteem ?

If you don't feel your in love then maybe your not , you just like him as a best friend .

[lkbun14]

I feel for you! Feelings sometimes get in the way of what we want...it's hard when your head and your heart don't agree. I find it very confusing!

[sinking]

Nature 1968, thank you for answering. i have started therapy exactly because of these issues which i resolved isolating myself or keeping my real feelings for me. it felt like the best solution. only that then it was about friendly relationships, now this is the first serious relationship i find myself in and that i want to go on and work.. so that solution doesnt seem to work anymore and im lost. - and cant/dont want to go back to therapy.

lkbun14, yes, when mind and heart dont agree its very confusing and frustrating. i hate it.

i've seen him tonight and it was torture... until the last 5 minutes when i got to show some initiative. i forced myself to enter into that "role" and it felt good because i felt in control, expressing MY wishes and not only complying with his, and at the same time giving him what he wanted.

what turns me off and pushes me away is feeling and knowing he needs me, he wants me, and he wants to kiss and cuddle and hold hands and hugs and make out and more. all the time. while i wish we had like one "hot session" per week and the rest of the time i could very well be without any physical contact. and even that only time per week, i would force myself to do it even if afterwards i know feel good about it. but to me it feels almost like a duty. only if i force myself to enter into that role i am able to enjoy it, but i wouldnt be able to do it as often as he wshed.

and i cant tell him this because thats the only thing he asks me, romantic affection, and i myself find his wishes more normal than mine. he already agreed to go slowly, respect my pace, not too many kisses on the mouth (while he loves them), my need to have a day alone every now and then... i cant tell him this too. that i HATE romantic affection all the time. he loves it.

does this mean we cant be together????

i am hoping with time he will need this less, while he hopes with time i'll be more effusive. this is not good, right?

He is going to want more he is a guy ..
When you kiss him do you feel anything ?
You know sparks , excitement , ?
or is it like kissing a friend ?

You need to be honest with yourself and with him about your true feeling he thinks your in love with him .

[sinking]

I love him. but i have to force myself to feel physical desire. thing that instead happened spontaneously when we were just friends. now that i feel expected to want it, i dont feel it anymore.

it felt better when i didnt know he wanted/needed me. his need to see me everyday has turned me off. i feel as if i had to takecare of a needy baby and i hate it.