Update on Unpredictable Friend

Im a little bit more settled but things still aren't great.

To remind, I have a married female friend, I'll call her Ann, she's a little all over the place, BFF one minute, talks like they've known you their entire life, then looking down their nose the next, flirty next, ignoring you etc and so on and so forth.

Well, sorry I put so many noses out of joint last time. But quite frankly, you feel in your gut when something doesn't sit well, and the things that were being said, I don't think are very respectful of her.

I guess to give you some background to me, I've just started to read a book on Charisma and Confidence. It's a great book, and talks about neutralising negativity, rewriting reality, transferring ownership of a problem, of an unknown onto someone or something else. I guess unknowingly, that's what I've been doing. I don't want to believe the worst, I want to believe the best. I don't want to bear a grudge. Bite me for seeing the good.

Im glad I didn't jump to conclusions, because, my friend has actually been "alright". Im going to rule out any flirtyness or attraction. The sly touches she gives me, I noted that she does the same thing with others, from time to time, very randomly, covertly, subtly. It's so subtle and covert it's like she's embarrassed or doesn't want anyone else to know. But, now I know her behaviour, I can rule that out.

I don't think she is so much of a friend, as just being friendly. She isn't flat out ignoring me anymore, so, good, but Im going to say she's not really making any effort. As much as I say Im going to leave her to it and leave it up to her to make the effort, I can't help being nice and polite and thanking people when they do me a good turn.

This is now where I have trouble explaining. I've been talking with someone else after the group and there's been a couple of times Ann has walked backwards and forwards past me - stirring the feeling that she wants attention, she wants to get noticed. She's greeted me directly to say Bye and to say she'll see me next time. But quite frankly, saying Bye and replying to texts isn't really the kind of friendship Im looking for. Im looking for a bit more consistent, two way traffic. It needs to be more sustained.

I was stood next to Ann a few weeks ago wanting to talk her, but she was busy talking to someone else. I didn't interrupt and waiting for to finish and she flat out ignored me until I called her name.

One time I was talking to another friend and Ann swooped in out of nowhere, wished me luck for something I was doing next week that she had seen on Facebook but not commented on, and then says Bye. A friend of mine had witnessed the whole thing, noted Ann was looking miserable than swooped in right next to me with a beaming smile, really happy with a sort of over familiar look.

Absolutely perfect way of describing it. I thought I was going mad.

With my other friends, we build on the relationship and things grow from there. With Ann though, it's been stop start stop start back to square one. It always feels like it goes back to square one. Ann coming up to me wishing me luck, probably describes best what Im after here in terms of friendship, a good display of the two way traffic. Genuine friendly concern and interaction. But it's so disjointed that Im having a hard time trying to turn it into anything else. It feels fake.

Anyone who says we're friends really, "oh Hi, Bye, see you next week, good luck" then doesn't back it up....

Well. Get knotted. You would have had the best friend in me, selfless, loyal, do anything for anyone. You've had your chance. Now prove yourself.

I did not see any of your previous posts. The thought comes to my mind, though, that Ann may have problems with dealing with people in a straightforward manner. I used to know a woman who would stop me, start to tell a very long story; get about 2/3rds of the way through, then say loudly "Well! I can't stand here all day socializing!!" in an aggrieved tone like she had been put upon and then practically run away. I finally realized she was not saying that to me, so much as to herself.

What you are getting from Ann may be the best she is able to do. I think the best thing to do is accept friendly hellos when she offers them, nod and smile if you see her from a distance, but don't expect much more than that. I wouldn't text with her; since she has trouble being consistently friendly in person, unless you want a text-only relationship. I hope this helps.

Also haven't read any of your past posts, and I'm not really sure what you're wanting in regards to responses, so yeah.

It sounds, in this post, like Ann doesn't know how to have a friendship. It seems like she wants to be friends with you - perhaps she has anxiety around it, and ends up overcompensating and withdrawing. Perhaps she can't tell if you want to be friends with her or not?

If you were wanting some sort of friendship to start with, did you ever invite her out somewhere where it would be just the two of you? If not, that could be a better signal for if she wants friendship or just friendly aquaintance, because it would just be the two of you out doing something together.

Thanks both.

The group I go to has been frustrating. In the five years, people haven't really tried to share anything with me, and they've not been interested in me. I have to do all the work which is exhausting. Five years, and they're only just getting it. I've started getting invitations to their bigger events. Still if I don't turn up, upsettingly, all these people that call me friends, don't really seem to care too much. To make things move, I have to take the initiative and ask how they got on while I was away!

Ann is a married woman, Im a single guy. i like people in all shapes and sizes. Im an unassuming sexless kind of chap. I don't think it's too appropriate to establish a one on one friendship with a married woman like that. Not long term anyhow.

The long story is that Ann has always been sort of distant but friendly. Her and her husband never really put themselves out as much as I did, which is ironic considering my shyness and their overt confidence. I kept trying to reach out but never progressed anywhere.

Earlier in the year, Ann became so over friendly with me, it felt to me she was being suggestive, possibly flirting. Then a couple of months of months after this, she started avoiding me, couldn't make eye contact, always looked down. She said she was busy, so I chalked it down to that. She's since been quite supportive, and I've even shared a meal with her family.

Great!

That's the kind of stuff Im looking for. Trouble is the friend behaviour isn't consistent. She keeps going off the radar, so much so, I'd say her behaviour was more friendly/polite than being friends.

What am I here for? Venting really. Or maybe address the possibility that I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I get hurt easily and when I think someone is a friend but then don't actually back that up with actions, I give up. Maybe I need to grow a thicker skin and accept this friend and do what I can do be friendly and offer friendship without being desperate. It's been hard for me to see Ann as a friend due to the stuttering up and down behaviour. It's only this person for some reason Im struggling with.