[~serenity~]

Don't know what to do! HELP!
I'll try to make this as brief as possible, but there is sooo much background.

We've been together for 16 years.
When we got together, he was temporarily unemployed, I was working full-time+. I was the major breadwinner and covered our insurance for the first 3-4 years. Around 7 years in, things got really ugly at work for me. Then my anxiety went out of control. I've had depression and anxiety since childhood, but never really experienced anxiety sooo intense for so many months. I would come home and SHAKE for hours. I sought psychological and psychiatric help. I tried to stick it out at my job, I felt trapped there. In my area, it would've been difficult to find another job paying the same or anywhere near the same. (Learned my lesson though! I will NEVER stay at a job again if I'm miserable and it's affecting my health!) I ended up on FMLA for a few months, with the end result of being let go from my employers. I was scared because of the new financial situation, but so relieved to be out of there.
My SO has since remarked several times since that,"you don't quit a job just because people are mean to you."
First: I didn't quit, I was let to after many months of hell!
Second: he witnessed my pain and anxiety! I was near having a breakdown.
Third: they weren't just being mean to me, and he knows all the details. Normally, I think of him as a caring and compassionate guy, but this just kills me every time he says it, or I think about it. What a jerk!!!

So, after I start to pull myself together again, but apparently not quickly enough, 8 years ago he had an emotional affair w/a co-worker for nearly a year. He still doesn't fully appreciate the damage it caused or recognize it as an affair, because, "he only kissed her once, and we weren't married." He continues to remain in contact with her, but not often. (He's always been very loyal to his friends, something I always admired, but with her....he refuses to break off contact completely, because she is a friend) I never would've thought he would cheat, because honor is so extraordinarily important to him. The people that know him and about the affair were completely shocked too. (I know anyone could, given the right circumstances)
Because I don't feel he really understands that he had an emotional affair, how can I know he won't do it again? How can I not wonder every single time he starts to pull away from me, especially for extended periods of time? It drives me crazy, makes me into a person I don't want to be, suspicious & insecure.

4 years ago he purchased a house in his name only. The previous house was in my name. We purposely didn't get married a long time ago, because of the housing market. I knew I'd likely have to foreclose on the old house because I'd lose so much on it. I'd had wonderful credit before.
Anyway, he got the new house, I foreclosed on the old one. Shortly after we moved into the new one, I overheard him talking to one of his friends, telling them it was "his house," in such a way that excluded me. WTF? Legally true, but I always considered both homes as ours.
Along with other issues, this basically stopped my moving in and renovations cold. I'd already refinished nearly the entire upstairs, walls/ceilings/floors by MYSELF, but if the home wasn't mine??? I didn't really realize it at the time consciously, but it completely shut me down.
I was no longer fully committed to him or the house.
I didn't feel safe/secure. I didn't feel like it was really my home too.

I have always talked with him about our various issues. Perhaps not as deeply as I should have. We both avoid conflict. He refuses to discuss the emotional affair at all anymore, that is one thing we discussed at length, mostly because I never felt he truly understood that it was extremely damaging. How can I forgive and feel secure enough to move on until I feel he understands?

I've also had many, many worsening health issues, some autoimmune. Now I'm seeking disability, with my SO's encouragement. I have difficulty even working part time anymore. So $ plays a part too. I never expected not to be able to contribute to the household. The SO mostly deals with this ok, but I know he always assumed I'd be making as much as if not more than him. He does not care to be the main and basically only breadwinner.
I now even have trouble keeping up with the housework. Also, what he considers important housework-wise, and what I prioritize are completely different. He cares far more about clutter than cleanliness. I'm all about sanitation. So what energy I do have I usually put into cleaning and sanitizing, but he can't actually "see" the difference, so it doesn't matter to him. Clutter never used to bother him that much, he contributes to it, but now it's an issue.
We've had many, many other issues. Most of which were smaller than the above, but strengthened my insecurities (or his).

So now, we're at a turning point. We're still very close, friendly, but he doesn't behave romantically towards me at all. We don't want to stay together if the other can't make some changes. He says that he mostly wants me to start contributing more to keeping up the house, doing things together that aren't just watching TV, being more motivated.

This sounds very reasonable, I know. But I'm having a very hard time fully committing to the process because I FEEL JUDGED.
Every time he walks in the door and I haven't done enough around the house. Every time he makes a face. Every time he gets angry, withdraws.

I feel like his love will only be given if I'm good enough. And I'm not good enough now.

I mostly just want to feel loved again. 😔
The logical part of me doesn't think his requests, listed here and privately, are unreasonable.
But the emotional part is just screaming at me! Dragging her feet at every turn. Because I'm hurting, and I have been for a very long time. It's very painful when love is withheld and conditional. When you live in a home and you're daily wondering if that person actually still loves you, because you can't tell anymore. I know he cares about me, but...
He did say that he still loves me when we had an involved discussion recently about all this.
I know he won't emotionally commit to me again until he sees me making changes, but I'm just having such a hard time....
If we didn't get along so well, if I didn't enjoy his company or share his humor, I'd say f*#k it! But I do.
I just don't know how to work through my issues so I can fully commit to trying. If it doesn't work, I know I can always decide to leave later.
Aaaargh!
He's really not a bad guy, but I just don't know if this is reasonably salvageable. If this is fair to either of us. I am seeking counseling. He is ok with that but uninterested in going to counseling himself or couples.

Please, I could use advice, shared stories, anything!!!
Thank you sincerely for your time.

Hello ~serenity~: Welcome to PsychCentral. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health concerns, & to make internet friends. There are many wonderfully supportive members here on PsychCentral. Two forums in particular you may want to check out include:

Relationships & Communication - Forums at Psych Central

Women-Focused Support - Forums at Psych Central

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in terms of your concerns. It sounds, from what you wrote, that your relationship with your SO is troubled. It's unfortunate he will not agree to some couples counseling. I know how this is. My wife refuses to do so as well. About all you can do, under the circumstances is to go ahead with your own counseling & come to some conclusion with regard to how you want to proceed. One thing I will mention here is, if you don't get many replies to this post, you may want to post one or more shorter Threads which contain your main points of cnocern. My experience here on PC has been that longer posts tend to attract fewer readers.

All new members' first 5 posts are reviewed before they become available for viewing by the community. So there may be a delay between the time that you submit your first 5 posts & the point at which they become available for viewing. However, once these initial posts have been reviewed & approved, your posts will become available for viewing as soon as you click the submit button.

There are quite a few forums in which you will be able to post. If you have not already done so, be sure to look through the listing in the Forum Index:

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Each forum is listed in the Index along with a brief description of it's purpose.

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Should you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact any member of the Community Liaison Team. Best wishes...

[~serenity~]

Thanks The Skeezyks. Yeah, I tend to be very wordy!!! I didn't realize how long it was because I typed it out on another app.
I'll post more limited questions later, maybe refer back to this post if people want more background?
BTW, I should have said: I'm currently in counseling. (Have been continuously for 2 years or so this time)