Stigma and relationship health

Since I broke up with my dp boyfriend a few months ago, I really have been more aware of the lack of understanding that exists in our society. I, when we first met, had no idea what dp was and had no understanding of it's complexities. My family also didn't understand and thought he could just "push himself more" to get over it.

We were together for 10 years and in that time, I saw the many sides of the depression cycle but it's only been since we broke up that I really began to read up on dp and start to understand that, for the most part, I did what I could. It was up to him to change, all I could do is be there for support. That was hard to take in when I tried for so long to make him happy and change things.

We have recently started talking again. When we first broke up there was a lot of anger between the both of us. He was feeling better and ready to live his life and I had reached my breaking point. Through his dp and being long-distance, I felt so far away. I was also feeling very anxious and down and, for the most part, felt numb and was just trying to get through each day.

I spoke to him last night and I can see he's changed. He is dying to go out with friends (which was never the case when we were tog), he wants to travel, etc. Part of this makes me very happy and proud because I know how hard he's struggled. On the other hand, I wish things had changed sooner.

I'm debating asking him to attend therapy with me. I've gone on my own a few times in the last couple of months and I think this might be a "safe space" to discuss some things. I'm not sure if I want to get back together, but the more I see he's changed, the more open I am to the idea.

I spent so long walking on eggshells and making up excuses that it wore me down. I've told him I'm never going back to that. I now know better than I did in what I can actually do for his dp. Before I tried everything to make him happy, only to let my own health go. I would never sacrifice that again. Sometimes it seems easier to just move on and start over, but he's been in my life for so long and I certainly miss that love he brought into my life.

When I think of us possibly working on our relationship, I start to get anxious over what other people will think. I know that shouldn't concern me, but it does. I've always been a worrier! I know if I went back we'd both be in better places and have a better understanding of what it would take. I just think my family and friends see him as "the problem" that caused us to break up, although it was both of us. Maybe that's just my perception?

I just feel like I don't know how to sort things out. I feel like no matter what I do, people will be judging me. I thought that breaking up with him would fix my anxiety problem. It did decrease my anxiety, but it's not gone. I also wonder how much of it has always been there because of former relationships. It's easy to blame him for all the problems, but I was also there letting his mood/behavior affect me.

In dealing with my bf's dp, I know I started to become down and anxious myself. I did retreat and found it very hard to connect to people. I spent the last 2 years, more or less, isolating myself and coming up with excuses not to see anyone. I should point out that my had bf always supported me and pushed me to do whatever I wanted! I just didn't feel that way.

I've tried to explain my anxiety to my mom and she just says "you have to get over it". I should also say that she definitely adds to it! I also tried to talk to my dr about it and she said "it could be worse".

If we did try to start (bf) again, do I owe anyone an explanation? Only 1 of my friends knows about me seeing a therapist and about how anxious I've been and she's been very understanding. I always feel like I need to apologize to my friends or family for not always wanting to do things or for keeping to myself.

Sorry for the ramble! I appreciate any thoughts.

I think that individual therapy is a great idea for helping you to sort everything out.

I also agree that couples therapy is a good thought. Is he willing to go?

When you were with him, were there times that his depression got better (like now) and then times that it got worse again?

Why would you owe anyone an explanation?


You make choices that are good, beneficial, and healthy for you. You don't need anybody's approval or permission to make those choices.

Stop allowing other people to play such large roles in what are essentially very personal decisions.


You're the one who has to live with the choices you make, not other people.

I think he would be willing to go. For awhile we agreed to go no contact, then we had a fight closer to Christmas. Since then we have talked a couple of times. I can see the improvement this time- it's different from any of his previous "ups". His attitude is more positive and it seems like he can actually picture a future for himself.

I know I don't owe anyone an explanation. I just find that I'm really sensitive about the relationship when others ask me about it. I think it may be because I couldn't control what happened or because it wasn't living up to what I wanted it to be. He makes me laugh so much and is putting forward such an effort!

I know there would be no going back to the way things were, but sometimes I have hope that there could be a new beginning. I just don't want to get ahead of myself.