[little92miss]

I've been with this guy for 4 years. We have been engaged for 2 years. At first he wanted to push the wedding date back. I was fine with that because I realized I wasn't ready to get married either. Recently he broke off the engagement entirely telling me he was probably never going to get married. I went along with it because I figured when we were both ready it would happen. Then a few months after that he told me he wanted to get a place of his own.

For almost 2 years we have been living with my parents. When we first got together he was living in an apartment by himself. He got evicted because of personal issues so he moved. I basically moved in with him, only going home 2 nights a week. That was an agreement with my parents so they would pay for my college. During the summer I lived with him full time. He had to move out of that place because the landlord refused to fix anything and it was too cold in the winter. At that time he was in the middle of a job loss so he had no place else to go. My parents told him that he would need to be out once it warmed up and he found a stable job.

He found a job but never moved out. He was always saying he needed this or needed that and would never save any money. He also never looked for another place to live.

Anyway, back to the present now. After he told me he wanted a place of his own to "find himself again". I told him I wanted a place of my own too. I've never lived on my own. I've always lived with my parents. I figured I wouldn't start looking until he found a place. 2 months went by and he still wasn't saving any money or looking for places. My parents on the other hand were looking for places for me. They knew about us getting separate places. They found a place that I liked so I put in my application.

When I told him about it he seemed surprised. He blames me for pushing us apart. He doesn't seem to remember the conversation he started months ago about this. We have talked and talked about it and he has opened up a lot more then he did when our relationship wasn't in pieces.

He told me that he doesn't trust me and has never trusted me. He said he probably wouldn't ever trust me because I am a women. He feels like me wanting to be on my own (but still with him) means I don't love him any more. I have lost count how many times I have told him that I do love him. He said that he thinks I'm gonna have men come over all the time and what not. I am not a cheater though and I would never do that.

He has cheated on me though. He wrote notes to another women talking about how much he wanted her and ect. I forgave him for that and I have been able to trust him. So I don't understand why he can't trust me. I have never done anything like that and I've never given him a reason to think I have.

I don't know how to handle this situation. I love him, but I feel like these last 4 years have served only for me to care for him. He never showed me the love I wanted him to show me, even when I flat out asked for it. I have nearly always felt that he doesn't care about things that I care about. He hates my family (and we are really tight-knit) and he makes fun of my religion. I love him, but I don't know if I can handle any longer without his trust. He doesn't believe we can work living apart but I disagree. I believe it will give us time to get to know each other again, away from my family's roof and it will give us time to know ourselves again.

I just need some advice from a 3rd party who doesn't know either of us. Should I feel guilty for moving out when it was something I wanted to do for myself? I'm afraid to lose him, but I'm afraid to be with someone for the rest of my life that doesn't return the love and the trust I give him.

[hvert]

Don't feel guilty. I don't think losing him would be all that bad, given what you wrote above. Some time living apart may help you figure out what you really want out of life and whether or not you want him to be a part of it -- that may be what he's really worried about, that you are going to realize that he's a dud and drop him.

[healingme4me]

If you were to lose the unwarranted jealous accusations, and to not be with someone unable to respect your spiritual beliefs nor pinch pennies and save under a gracious living condition, would it be the end of the world?

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[hannabee]

So could you really marry someone who hates your family??? Big mistake, they have been there for you from the beginning. Find someone who will trust you, treat you better and give you a happy life. Big hug!

[Trippin2.0]

In my experience, people with a guilty conscience usually project their wrong doings onto their partners....


In other words, your bf knows he's untrustworthy, so he projects that distrust onto you.

In his mind its justifiable to think you'd cheat and have men over behind his back because he's cheated on you, and / he would maybe even do just that (have women over) if he were to move out on his own...


No its not wrong to do what's right for you. I think its important to learn how to live on your own, may just give you the time and space you need to find a healthy perspective and get your priorities sorted. Your needs and wants matter just as much as his does, besides, had he not sparked that whole convo, you may have never decided to move out on your own. So its kind of his own doing...


Honestly, losing someone who flat out refuses to trust you, without ANY viable reason, and openly accuses you of cheating, future cheating etc, someone who mocks your spiritual beliefs, someone who outright dislikes the family that put a roof over his head... Doesn't sound like much of a loss to me.


Sounds like a dead weight to be relieved of...


Love never goes very far or lasts very long when mutual respect, loyalty and trust are not part of the equation. In fact, that kind of love is not really love at all, and its a dime a dozen. You can find that literally anywhere.


Lasting love needs those pillars to thrive, love shouldn't merely survive. It should include a partner who supports your goals, dreams and aspirations. A partner who wants what's best for you, someone who builds you up instead of tears you down. Someone who has your best interest at heart, someone who enriches your life, who's beneficial to your very existence...


The crux of the matter is this:


You deserve wayyyy better, and Mr Right is out there, but meeting him is not going to happen while you're heart is stuck on Mr Potential.

You are doing the right thing... He needs to deal with his women issues on his own...whatever you do..do not let him move in with you in your new place. Perhaps even add that to your lease...no guests over a week or something like that...

Maybe you should take a 3 month break from seeing each other and see if that helps clear things up for you and him...