I am feeling really sick

I am feeling physically sick and emotionally sick. I'm very restless feeling like people I trust will hurt me, I'm going through this constant pattern of feeling super happy and then sabotaging everything, because I hate them for no reason and feel they only want to kill me. I'm completely honest on that, I know this started after 8 years old. When people who weren't my friends and many very very bad things that happened to me also who weren't my friends or anyone friendly. Wanted me to be scarred damaged or having me killed.

I've gotten to the point, a long time ago and used to it now to where I'm at. I have no connection all my life, and rather feel scared frightened all the time and feeling everyone has this giant plot to kill me in the worst possible way possible. Relationships and friendships are non existent in me, I can make them and keep them easy, but deep down I don't want any of them. I really can't connect with any of these people who put me down a lot. I go with it, and just wanting this path of self destruction to end me already. This silent self destruction. I'm glad no one sees it, I'm glad no one tries to do anything, because I won't let them. I wouldn't let them try to help me, because they'll mess it up like always making me hate them more. Making me have an aversion to people altogether.

I've been really thinking about my suicidal stuff a lot, because of the loneliness and the perceived loneliness at the same time. I figured it's the end and I'm already accepted it, just rather waiting for something to happen to me. I'm feeling too sick to type I'm going to bed.

Stay strong mate. Everything seems worse at this time of year. Well it does to me anyway. I've got the january 'black dog' again and i hear what you're saying. When i have similar thoughts i think of the lady i've just met who seems to care about me. Not fair on her, she's already had somebody in her family kill himself cos he couldn't cope with being gay. So think positive. Things will get better. I know i will get out of this and life will be worth living again. Jeez mate we don't live forever anyway. Treasure the good times and tough out the bad. That's what i do.

I'm not wanting to go on, my body is falling apart. I don't think the neurologist has me right, and people don't understand. I had to leave work early, from my nuerological disorder destroyed my movement and it hurts so bad. I just want to die, it's so painful now. It's gotten worse, I really don't want to be in a wheel chair and reliant on people till I'm old. If I have to die young to avoid this, I'll do it. I'm that desperate. I don't get the care I need, and I'd rather die poor now. I feel there isn't anything I can do than just accept it and roll with the punches.

People don't care, and they aren't helpful. I'd either get pity or mistreatment from misunderstanding. I'm done, I lost hope, I hate all of you for bringing me here and having me stay here. I'm just done.