[Jodilynn0303]

I am having issues with my mom and I need help. My father and I were always close. I am the youngest of 5 and he was my hero my everything. My mom was extra hard on me more than the others as I was growing up. I was a good kid… no drinking, no drugs, nothing. But she would say really hurtful things to me. I never felt close to her. Then my dad died when I was 25 (14 yrs ago now) … it broke me. But I felt responsible for my mom to help her through it. My 3 older siblings have a different dad so they couldn’t really understand… my sister who shares the same parents is just like me. Helping my mom. We helped her financially, emotionally etc. I even moved in with her to help her for a bit. She had never worked so this was best. My parents were entertainers and sang locally so when my dad died my mom just went out to the places they sang and drank 3 times a week … I hated the drinking but at least she was living. She fixed herself up and looked amazing. She met a man who nobody likes… but he had money and promised to take care of her so she married him. We all supported her if that was her choice. He not only treats her like crap he makes her give him my dad’s social security money (well $400) of it every month for her share in bills. My mom is 72… and in the last 4 years has become greatly depressed. She won’t go out of the house… she shakes all the time. She doesn’t’ fix herself up EVER! She is great about giving us money for presents (we don’t ask she just buys stuff online or has someone do it for her). I have begged her to get out of the house but she will not try. She was drinking at home now … from noon onward about a bottle of wine. I hate it. She helps me by watching my daughter (which I thought in turn would help her too) she doesn’t drink until I pick my daughter up now which is good…. But still is in her nightgown and robe. She is on depression meds and it is doing nothing. She has talked to her doc. We have called her doc. She has NO desire to change… to live. Her husband just does what he wants… he speaks to her like she is a piece of dirt. He is an alcoholic… he tells her to shut the F up etc. My mom allows it. She said she is too old to change it now. My question is… I am tired. I want a mom so much. I want a mom to go out with me and my daughter and spend time with us… I want someone to be a participant in my life… I have begged my mom but she says I am trying to make her feel bad and she drinks and gets all upset. How do I cope with a mom who has given up on life? What do I do? It hurts so much.

[curley]

Hi Jodilynn You sound like a very good person and I am so sorry that you are trying to deal with this sad situation
For starters, you know you can not change someone that does not want to change. Your mom knows what is going on and she chooses to live that way. You will need to accept that!
Growing up I had a mother, but she was in no way the definition of MOM.
I always craved the Mom you are wanting. Someone to spend time with, talk about girl things, someone to help me through boyfriend situations, etc.
Since I could never have that I became close with several of my friends moms. They became my confidant and friend.
If you have anyone in your life that can fill in the emptiness that may help.
Other then that maybe get involved with some other activities or groups that involve women or maybe children. I was also a CASA (court appointed special advocate, for foster children) at one time and that is very fulfilling.
Good luck to you

[kaliope]

i am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. it must be awful to see your mother deteriorating so. if you have expressed your feelings to your mother and this is not working then the next option would be to see if she is willing to go to counseling with you to talk it through. this is probably doubtful.

my question would be HOW you have talked to your mom about it. there are different ways of expressing feelings and communicating needs. the use of I statements is more effective in getting your point across. when communicating feelings using the word you it can put people on the defensive, make them feel guilty and things such as that. there are lots of barriers to communication we use in everyday language that we dont even realize. you can communicate what you feel, how much it hurts you to see her in her condition, and what you want for your future without putting her on the defensive if you word it correctly.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[healingme4me]

Depression meds, typically, don't work as well, if at all, when combined with drinking.

If, going out with you and your daughter, is important, is she open to impromptu occasions? 'Seemingly' spur of the moment?

It's hard loving an addict. Sometimes, it takes flexibility of thought, granted the moments might not be how you ideally want them, to be, but it's the little moments that matter.

Sadly, I forget where I read it, thinking a 'passage', said widows shouldn't remarry. My late mom, had remarried after being a widow, I didn't find him great for her, but it was her choice, her life.

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