How do I not let a bad relationship affect my self-esteem?

I've been with my boyfriend for about 16 years now. It's not the worst relationship in the world, but it's not the best one.

Right now life is so that leaving is not an option. It's really not. I'm not abused or anything so it's not a dire situation, but I feel so small all the time. I feel like a child without any power and I hate it.

Even the simplest things that I am right about (and it's fairly easy to prove) he will fight me tooth and nail about. I find myself just agreeing with him even when I know I'm right because it's just not worth it. He won't listen to me. Then when he finds out he was wrong they are a million reasons why he thought what he did. I hate the way it makes me feel that I just let someone who, quite frankly isn't as smart as I am, be right all the time.

Every time he asks my opinion on something he immediately just does what he thinks anyway and doesn't even listen to what I have to say. If I try to insert my opinion then it becomes a fight. I get angry because I'm not being heard then he yells at me for getting angry when "he wasn't doing anything to me" He always says that. He always acts like he is the nicest person in the world to me and he isn't.

Another thing he always does is look at me like I've lost my mind and asks "What's wrong with you?!?" I'm not a violent person but that fills me with rage.

Everything has to be his way, and I've just given up. He'll tell me a thousand times a day not to do something, like I'm a child. I just do it anyway when he is gone, because believe it or not, I know what I am doing.

I am so filled with resentment all the time. We actually get along a good deal of the time, but there is always this wall and I am often thinking of how much I don't like him.

I don't show emotion because he gets mad at me. It's a horrible feeling to be crying because your so sad and feel so alone and having someone yelling at you about it because it makes them feel bad or you're ruining the day.

All this has made me hate myself because I allow myself to be treated this way and I can't get out of it. I just need some ways to learn how not to engage and to not allow what he says and does to effect the way I feel about myself.

Your clearly being mentally and verbally abused. Leave him as soon as you can. You have nothing to gain from such a controlling man.

I left someone last year after nearly 9 years and wasn't nearly as bad as that u described . Why are you staying? Yes u can get out

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What would happen if you set boundaries with him? For example when he says something that makes you feel small what would happen if you said something like "I feel like a small child being corrected when you say things like that. Would you please not correct me on small thing?"

Hon, I don't know how to not let a bad relationship affect your self-esteem. I believe you are asking the impossible. I once asked my T to help me figure out a way not to let my husband's verbal abuse hurt me. He said he couldn't do that any more than he could help someone find a way fro physical abuse not to hurt.

If you are in a relationship that makes you feel small, powerless and causes self-loathing, you are being abused and it is a dire situation. A good idea would be to seek out a therapist (if you don't already have one) and perhaps they can help you work out a plan to remove yourself from the toxic relationship.

'It's not the worst relationship in the world, but it's not the best one' - surely you are worth more than that!

I hate to break it to you, again, but you are in fact being abused.


You are definitely a victim of emotional abuse, probably mental and verbal abuse too.


There's no way to not allow it to affect you, you're human.

The only way, is a way you're not entertaining... Out.


16 years with this man?

*shakes her head in disbelief

Abuse is not always physical.... from reading your post, it sounds as if this man is emotionalizing abusing you...which is why you feel small and like your opinions and feelings are not important. 16 years is a long time...but 17 is longer...

You are clearly not happy and you have stated this yourself.

Leaving is always an option. I hope you find the support system you seek, to gain the strength to realize that YOU are IMPORTANT and deserve to feel that way.

Speaking from experience, it's never too early or too late to get out and start over. I escaped at 19 and after so many years it happened again in my 30's with a new relationship so I got out again. Cut your losses and save yourself. You are better off alone than in a diminishing relationship. If finances are an obstacle, there are shelters that can help you transition to a new home in case things are more physical than you describe - do some online research, the police station may have people on call for counseling and can help you make a plan. Get your things out little by little if you can manage it, save money in a separate account. And this is very important - don't beat yourself up about it - it's not your fault. Best of luck and progress for this new year

I would remind yourself that just because you don't argue with him, doesn't mean you think he's right or that you are letting him think he's right. It's just that you are choosing not to argue. I think that puts you back in a position of power in your own mind - you aren't giving in - you're choosing not to engage in something pointless.

I read a book called 'Crucial Conversations' a few months ago and it had some ideas I found useful for situations similar to what you describe.

I have my share of not so good relationships and I don't let it ruin my self esteem, it is about them not me. Also explore how and why you choose wrong men learn why and then move on. My solution is pretty much I leave every time I see it is bad. Now I need less and less time to realize something is wrong but I will not stay. My t says I am growing and recognizing red flags. Now if you stay with this guy forever then you'd self esteem will go down, no need for that.

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I do plan on leaving as soon as I get a job and can save up enough money. If I were to go to a shelter I would not be able to take my dog which is all that I have in the world that matters to me.

I have tried to talk to him which only makes him justify why he says the things he says to me.

It wasn't always this way but he drinks a lot and I think it changed his personality.

So I guess the real only option is to get rid of my dog. That's depressing.

Has anyone stayed in a shelter? What are they like? I don't have children. Would I even be able to get a space?

Oh I see. I have been with functional alcoholic, great person not abusive yet his drinking killed it all for me. So I left and can finally breathe! Honey please leave. Listen I volunteer in shelters. One I go is for men and one for ladies and kids. It is safe. You don't have have to have kids. And I am talking inner city urban kind shelters and they are fine. Anything is better than life you have now trust me been there done that. People ask me why I look so good, well I left an alcoholic so I look good I used to look 10 years older .

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Also go to Alanon meetings they might be helpful

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I'm sorry you feel trapped and can't escape. I would try and find a friend to go stay with. One that will let you bring your dog along.

you are being abused, i went through relationship with the type of person you're dealing with, it almost sounds just exactly i lived through. i gave him the upper hand, he would talk over my voice in an argument or even just a conversation.needless to say after 2 years, 1 son, i am left him because my self esteem was gone. i had to get the cops to get my stuff and son out of the house, please leave while you can.

If only this could be a real hug!
I'm guessing you don't have any friends or family to help with temporary living arrangements?
Much love and hopeful thoughts coming your way from this direction.

Nope, no family and all my friends have gone over time. It's here or a shelter. My only two choices.

It's not horrible all the time, which I guess is why I stay. I mostly just retreat into my own world and draw a lot, or read.

I'll give the shelter some thought, but I'd hate to leave my dog. It's the only thing in the world that loves me.

Thanks for all your help, everyone. I assure you he isn't violent in the slightest. I just feel like I am treated like a child and not respected. I feel like I second guess myself in every situation and that my opinions are always wrong.

I know this doesn't fully apply, but on the topic of pets and why women (and men) stay. An interesting point of reference http://m.seacoastonline.com/article/...News/402070382

Sounds like you do have a plan and objective. Working on demanding respectful interaction while you do stay, is how you can regain some of that lost self esteem. It can feel empowering.

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Please keep us updated if you can.

Your first option, to stay while you work towards getting a job and finding your own place, seems reasonable if you can come up with some coping strategies. I think healingme4me is right that you will regain your self-esteem when you start to practice setting better boundaries with him.

This man may not have bruised your body, but he has absolutely bruised your spirit.

So you live in hell, because leaving would mean a shelter, which would mean giving up the dog.

It may be a long shot, but hear me out. I have worked with several dog rescue groups here in Canada. Most people don't realize that there is a HUGE network of people who volunteer their time to help animals in need. Would you consider calling the groups in your area and telling them your story? There may be a chance that someone would care for your dog while you get back on your feet.

Better than having no options at all.

I think your right about that. I really need to start standing up for myself again. At the beginning I would have never put up with this and I don't know how it got this way.

By the way, in case anyone is concerned, he is wonderful to the dog. He never even raises his voice to him and the dog adores him. I wouldn't allow keeping a dog if it were remotely treated badly.

Which is a positive on his part. I don't believe the law is just specifically saying animals are abused, it's saying that pets aren't as much power weapons as children are. People are hesitant leaving bad situations because of kids and pets. Acknowledging the specialness of pets goes a long way to finding services so one less thing to hold victims back from leaving.

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So just a quick little update. I had a talk with my boyfriend and basically told him that I was ready to go to a shelter if need be. Just because I'm not working now doesn't entitle anyone to treat me without respect. I told him that lately I didn't like him and I hated myself and I can't stand to feel that way anymore.

He told me he doesn't want me to go and that he is under a lot of stress because he is the only one paying the bills and he doesn't handle stress well. I told him there has to be change. I can't live like this. He promised to work on it, but behavior is a hard thing to change. I don't know. I guess we will see.

I know I have some culpability in this. I've allowed him to treat me this way because I felt guilty and bad about not having a job right now. I do some gardening but it's really only enough money for my personal needs.

I asked him why my sadness causes him to be angry and he said that he gets frustrated because he can't fix it and I won't talk about why I'm sad. I think that is a cop-out and he just doesn't want to deal with it because he doesn't want to deal with it. It's hurtful and makes me feel so alone, especially since I have issues with feeling unwanted and uncared for anyway.

I'm not naive enough to think that everything will be fine and dandy from now on, but maybe when he sees I'm really serious he won't be so condescending and belittling to me anymore. And if he is and doesn't make any effort to change his behavior, I guess I really do have to hit the road. I've had to many knocks to my self-esteem which has never been good anyway. If I don't change this situation, I won't have any respect for myself left.

At least I did something proactive. I feel good about that.