[MigzPT]

Hello there,

First of all I want to explain how I got to this state of mind. Since I was a child i've moved a lot, I've been living in three different countries, and I've learned a total of seven languages.
I was born in Portugal, I studied amd lived in there till my parent's got divorced and tired of all the moving that happened in our lives. So at the age of ten I moved to the Philippines with my mom, and we stayed together there for three months and later on my mom came back to Europe and she left me with her family ( so basically total strangers for me ). I never had big complains in the Philippines despite the major and common issues in there. I was happy in there, as I was in Portugal before, but sadly my mom's mother passed away on my second year in the Philippines. That was a big down for the family so a year later my mom decided to pick me up and bring me to Germany ( her plan's and her decision ). Unfortunately things don't always go as we want, my mom got into a conflict with her german boyfriend and we got to stay in Portugal. Since I have family in there, I was allowed to stay with them till the situation was solved.
After three years in the Philippines, I stayed one more year in Portugal, till I moved to Denmark mid-2013 due to my mom's relationship with a danish guy. I never complained about my situation either in Portugal or Philippines but she always decided to have a new beginning for our "future", for our "best". ( I got upset because I was happy and I never complained but still, she decides what is the best, and sometimes it's not how she says ).

When I came to Denmark I was positive and I hoped that things would be better or as near as things were in Portugal or Philippines, but apparently I was wrong.
I got to go on a International Class which was real pain for my social life, but thankfully later on I moved to a normal class ( 5 months later ). My first expectations were that, moving to a normal class would "open" the world, giving me big chances in social life and my everyday life, but apparently It was not. Not that I am judging danish people or danish culture, but people are very reserved and they have a different social life compared to the one I used to have. I am used to social with the world as much as I can and that is a lack in here, so that was a down in my social life. Once I came to the normal class, only ONE of all the students came to me and said "Welcome" and "How I was" it's sad indeed but that's how they are. That person became a very close friend to me, he helped me a lot and he gave me a lot of opportunities to confront the new world. I gave him trust, something that it was very difficult at that time, and since I carried the secret of my sexuality (I'm bisexual) since I was on the Philippines, more or less I would explode one day, so I risked into telling him to get some relief. He accepted, and don't know by his mouth or by his heart. He gave me advices and he gave me reasons why it's important to be who I am, but things were too nice till our friendship came down. From what we were, we are just like typical classmates, unfortunately.

After what happened, a depression affected me. I was and I'm still pretty depressed about how life affected me. I don't wanna eat, I don't wanna sleep, I can't concentrate on the studies, I just think and think like there is no end, and sometimes I end up in tears. My mom saw a change on me, she doesn't know my sexuality, but she knew the dealing with everyday life. She put me first on psychologist which I went on six session's and nothing made me feel better, later on psychiatrist, therapy, medication and stuff... nothing made me feel better till I got to talk with this guy ( which currently is my best friend ). I don't have the all the words to characterize him, but what I can say, he is a person I give a lot of value. I knew him since my first year in Denmark thru French Classes, but I never talked that much to him ( a mistake of mine ) but now, since new school year 2014-15 I got very involved with him. We talk a lot, we share a lot of moment's and stuff, we are kinda that important bros, so I am actually very happy for it. And I am happy even though I might only have a true friend, him.

But things are too nice.. till it gets a real pain. Unfortunately I don't know how we guide our selves, how and why we start loving people... but I got so involved with him that I discovered I'm starting to have feelings for him ( which I hoped it would have gone away ). I give him a lot of value and he is very special to me, I would risk a lot of stuff just to make him feel better. All of this feeling's i'm having it's a real pain, and it feels like a hole in my heart... I know that we should always have faith and hope, that's why I tried to possibly uncover his sexual life (which I had and I still have ton's of doubts about) for possibly, I don't know, a match or an opportunity? He admitted to be straight (which I currently doubt) and he got to know sometimes I feel sexually attracted to men, but even though he said that I was just curious like a lot of people. (Since I talk a lot with girls (not trust friends but nor good people, and he though I'd possibly be on a relationship with one)
I never expressed him my feelings for him, but he at least now knows that something is going in me, and it possibly might come to a change ( which truly already changed I just never admitted to him ). Thankfully, the opposite of what happened between that other person and me, we got more involved and involved, so our friendship continued growing and I was very happy about it ( which currently made me relax from my depression ). That's why, out of mind I decided to write him a letter, so I wrote a handwritten two page, back and forth letter, explaining the importance of our friendship. And he was happy for helping me and being a part of my new life.

In a very short time, my depression striked again in November last year.. that was and still continues to be a pain suffering inside me... I'm depressed because how this culture affected my life, and how my feelings for him affected my everyday life. I see him everyday, I talk to him everyday, we are together everyday and I'm just here with that feelings on my heart... everyday that passes is like a new hole in my heart.. it's a painful feeling and sensation that I can't even express. Imagining what we could be, what if this?, what if that?... I don't know what to do really... I would've expressed my feelings already if it was a straight relationship (between a girl and a guy) or there were no consequences.
I've commited a lot of mistakes in my life, I've lost and left a lot of friends because of certain decisions and I don't want to lose and commit that again. Imagine, things can go good and bad, maybe if I tell him, he'll accept and we will be something or he'll accept and we continue to be bestfriend's, or he totally ignores it and starts ignoring me or maybe he ignores everything including me, and he'll never want to talk to me... I know true friends wouldn't leave a friend but this is a changing situation. I've fallen in blind friendships, doesn't mean this one is, but we never know....

Currently and honestly, I don't know what to do.. but what is on my mind right now ( and seems it's being there forever ) it's him. I can't stop thinking about him, either home or school. When I close my eyes, I see him. When I open my eyes I see him. I hardly try but I can't forget him... he is a very remarkable person in my current life. He is someone i'd never want to forget. He is like a vain in my body. And I want him to be a better person than me, I don't want him to commit same mistakes as I did, and I want him to be happy. I know indeed we cannot control a peoples soul, but we can help bring a better state of mind. Every hour that passes, as I mentioned it's a real pain and every day that passes it makes me think more about doing a stupid thing ( Which I will never want to ). I don't know why I'm feeling this, or why I need to get hit with all this problems, but I'm depressed and obsessed with this I'm afraid. I don't trust my parent's for this, and In here I only trust him, but sadly I can't bring this conversation to him at the moment. As much as I try I can't simply relax or forget this situation, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to risk, and I don't know why I deserve this.

[kaliope]

i am sorry you are struggling with this so much. it sounds really painful for you. you are facing a big risk of losing your friend if you say something but you are hurting so much not knowing if you dont. perhaps you have to look at which is more painful. going on the way you are or the end of the friendship? if he is as good of a friend as he is, would he really end the friendship over you expressing your feelings for him? you just need to find the proper way to express them. if you suspect he is not straight himself, you could explore it that way. talk to him about his possible sexuality to see if he will admit it to you and then express your feelings. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[healingme4me]

A part of me says, holding back your 'secret' eats at you. Another part of me says, that all the instability in your life, leaves you clinging onto this one person. As your post states that you had better socialization in both
Portugal and Philippines.
Never mind, 'what was best', underlies that it wasn't all about best for you, but best for her?(I spent a couple years of my teens, bumped around to seven locations...that instability in a homelife, affects more than many realize)

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