[ShiningGirl]

About two years before I began dating my now husband/the father of my kids, I met a guy who I was very attracted to, but nothing happened, because I was dating someone at the time. We were just friendly, and didn't really hang out too much, but when we did, I realized I really liked him. We had a lot of things in common, he had the same don't-give-a-***** attitude when it came to other people's opinions of him, same music tastes, same general interests. Several months later I ended things with the guy I had been dating. When this other guy (I'll call him Zack) found out, initially, our friendship didn't change a bit. Then about a month afterward I was hanging out with him and some other people and he made some seemingly offhand comment about how I was the epitome of everything he had ever wanted in a woman. I was flattered, but didn't exactly jump on that. He was in the Army, and I knew that he was probably going to be deployed soon. I never imagined we would get together, as much as I saw us being a great match. That ended up being the last time I hung out with him for awhile. I moved across the country to make a fresh start and while we weren't in contact, I thought about him often.
I decided to fly home for a visit a few months after moving and one day while I was online, guess who popped up and told me he was home. We talked for a bit and decided to meet up when I was in town.
This is getting long so I'll condense. While I was home, we hung out, and ended up sleeping together. I am not a casual sex type person, but the physical chemistry we had always had took over. I had no regrets about it and I still don't. I knew we weren't exactly going to embark on a relationship - he was going back overseas, and I was going back to my new home. Of course, he stayed on my mind.
Ended up returning to my home state a few months later because things just didn't work out for me. Of course, Zack and I saw each other. And of course, we slept together again. There was never any talk about us dating. He did say a few times that I was perfect for him, and I said something in response like, "too bad you're going back to Iraq... please stay safe and come home in one piece." Then the topic was dropped.
Fast forward almost two years. I met and married my husband and we had our first daughter. One day while I was online Zack popped up. I hadn't talked to him in a long time. We just kind of picked where we had left off, like we were old friends. He said something like, "congrats on your family, but now what am I supposed to do, haha." Afterward I couldn't stop thinking about him which of course made me feel like a horrible person. I also couldn't ignore that, once again, he had inferred that we should be together.
That was 2.5 years ago. Three weeks ago guess who comes online! Now I have two daughters. Over the last few years my relationship with my husband has soured considerably. We fight a lot. I don't feel that he respects me as the mother of his kids. He has a my-way-or-the-highway attitude and will often deliberately defy me when it comes to the girls and my wishes for them, saying, "well they're MY kids too." I am somewhat crass, I have been known to be a potty mouth (not around my kids however), and I have always been thIs way. For some reason he suddenly makes it a point to call me out on my "bad language" and tells me I have no class and why do I swear so much? I am bipolar and have OCD, which is finally well managed, but despite this, everything is my daily because I'm a psychotic ******. He constantly told me I was acting like a c*nt when I was pregnant with our first child because I wasn't always emotionally stable (duh, I was growing a person!). Who says that to the woman carrying their baby? Apparently, my lovely husband. Now I can honestly say I am no longer in love with him. I don't think he is a nice person. He is something of a bigot, complains much of the time, and has an opinion about everything, which is almost always negative. This is not the person I fell in love with. I have been feeling for over a year that this marriage is almost certainly going to end eventually. I do not feel that he is the person I am supposed to be with. I have suggested counseling numerous times because we do have children and I do care for him, most of the time. He refuses it and tells me I'M the problem because of my "distorted views." I actually did see a therapist on my own for quite some time which helped me to be more at peace with things, but that gnawing feeling of having chosen the wrong person to spend my life with never went away.
We are almost never intimate. He is not at all affectionate.
When Zack told me we should have been together, but he was selfish and thought he had to protect me from getting hurt in case we became a couple and then he died overseas, my heart just about exploded. Virtually every time we have chatted he alludes to me being "the one that got away" and says he can't believe he never told me how he felt. He also told me that he thought about me often while he was overseas and wondered if he'd ever see me again. He did message me here and there while over there, but I had no clue of how he was feeling.
I am a married woman, and even though I haven't touched Zack, I can't stop thinking about him. He moved across the state last year - before that he'd been living ten minutes away from me, and we had no idea we were that close. He has said he would love to see me, but he feels that it's wrong because of how he feels, our physical chemistry/history, and the biggest reason, because I'm MARRIED! I hate to say this, but there is a part of me that resents my husband to the point that I don't care that this contact I have with Zack is, for all practical purposes, wrong. We care about each other, and we both realize letting each other go five years ago was a mistake. I don't know if I can continue in my marriage. I feel like I will regret for the rest of my life not giving things a shot with Zack. I love my daughters more than my life and I will NEVER wish I hadn't met their dad because of it weren't for him I wouldn't have them. But I frequently sat and thought about what might have been between me and Zack, and while it kind of sucked, I accepted that we weren't going to ever be more than friends. Now, this is all I can think about. I feel like a horrible person. I also feel as though I have tried with all my fight to fix my marriage, and my husband has absolutely no interest in participating, because he claims everything is my fault. I can't stand the thought of THIS being how my life is going to continue to be. I want to be with Zack, for all his faults, I feel that we could be great together. I'm feeling completely torn apart by this. I really don't see my marriage continuing, and I felt that way long before Zack came back around. His presence in my life just seems to serve as a reminder that I ended up with the wrong person.
Please help!

[JJBX]

Somehow, I think that the idea of Zack is what might be causing you to emotionally distance yourself from your husband. Having two kids is tough and I think you're both distancing yourselves from each other. I also think you might be putting Zack on a pedestal. I could see a relationship where two people ignore what others say as being a situation where you're both encouraging each other to build on negative behaviors. And who is to say that Zack would have been the most supportive person as far as your recovery goes? Being friends with him is not quite the same as living together and having to put up with each other's flaws. Your husband has done that in the past, but has lost his way.

I do think couple's counseling would be the absolute best thing to do, but your husband isn't seeing how his behavior is contributing to the problem. I would honestly start recording him in private and then bringing up the subject later. This would only work when you catch him in an open-minded state. Do NOT do this during an argument. Play back what he says to you and remind him that your daughters ARE affected by this. They are seeing their father be cruel to their mother and will grow up to find partners who mimic that behavior. Does he really want his daughters to be treated like that?

Maybe he is taking couple's counseling to mean he's totally at fault. It's not all him. It's the way you two interact. You are not disagreeing in a healthy way and that's what you need to work on. Your daughters are going to start mimicking the both of you and you will start hearing some ugly things you'd rather not. You both need to snap out of it and focus on teaching these girls how to be responsible people who do not distance themselves when upset or call others names when frustrated.

[healingme4me]

I say, curbside Zack, any feelings, thoughts, hopes , dreams, what have you.

Spend time thoroughly, focused on your current marriage and family. If he's unwilling to see it takes two participants to make a marriage work, then are you prepared to do it all solo? If you become solo, for all sakes, still curbside Zack until the dust settles...

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk