[insertname]

I've been trying to work mine out for various reasons and can't choose between anxious-preoccupied and anxious-avoidant/fearful-avoidant.

I don't fully relate to either. I don't experience a strong desire to be particularly close to anybody, but I wonder whether this is different in romantic relationships - I can't fully remember - but neither have I experienced a desire to move away from my partner. Or not exactly. I tend to wish to create some form of emotional distance to protect myself (i.e. try not to get attached), and have had a tendency in the past to flee at the first sign of distancing from them (I'll reject you before you reject me), but have always gone back to them because I enter a state of confusion, not knowing whether I want to stay or go.

I'm not the type that particularly wants to talk every day or anything like that and my social needs are relatively low. I'm pretty happy seeing a friend a week and would rather be alone the rest of the time. I'm definitely not clingy with friends, although sometimes I'm certain they will have gone off me because I feel I have not been supportive enough of them or that I have 'hogged the conversation'. I criticise myself for not being the 'perfect friend', I guess. I think I have a tendency to see people I don't know yet as being above me, but this changes once I get to know them and see that they're just a person like everyone else. Then I see them as equal. But having said that therapists have pointed out that I put others' needs above my own (emotional needs etc.) I frankly hadn't noticed this until it was pointed out, but I had noticed that I read people as I speak (notice micro-expressions etc.) and will change what I'm saying, or the tone I'm saying it in to keep them feeling comfortable. I quite naturally have very stable and conflict-free relationships with everybody, from my boss to my friends to my boyfriends, largely because I tend to ensure everyone is feeling comfortable through that kind of behaviour. I'm also not emotionally expressive, unless the emotions are positive, and am very uncomfortable discussing any negative emotion except anxiety or perhaps frustration with anyone. If I'm going to need to feel something, I would much rather do it alone, as I feel negative emotions are very private things and do not wish anyone else to be 'in my space'. I have never had a 'dramatic' relationship and very, very, very rarely lose my temper.

Btw, the reason I questioned maybe preoccupied is because I tend to blame myself for everything in relationships and a couple of times I have been inconsolable post-breakup - once even losing almost all everyday functioning FOR A YEAR! - and I can become clingy after breakups if I feel like I can't deal with the pain and become desperate to do anything to regulate my emotions, including contacting the ex. Sometimes when in that place I have felt an uncomfortable and uncontrollable compulsion to contact exes, even if I think it is a bad idea (normally I have been the one to say I think it is wise for us not to be in contact), and can only really control this by 'drafting' a letter over and over and over again, promising myself not to send it until a later date. Once the later date arrives the urge has dissipated and I no longer need to, but the compulsion can take over my life for a while. Sometimes perhaps I fear they will forget me? I'm not 100% clear on that.

I believe that part of that reaction is that I'm not practiced at regulating emotion since I rarely feel that my emotions require control - they are never really intense enough to cause any issue, basically, except in rare instances like over breakups. That hasn't happened after every relationship, by the way, only happened twice in my life and was a massive shock both times (my reaction, not the break up).

I'm also very rarely jealous in relationships and have never suspected anyone of cheating or doing anything to deliberately hurt me. I tend to give others a lot of leeway and easily see others' point of view (often more easily than I can see my own, which can make me feel very angry at myself if I experience emotions that I consider to be inappropriate). I do not have any behavioural issues that have led to relationship breakdown etc. whether with friends, family or boyfriends. As I say, very conflict averse and happier to shoulder responsibility than to cause emotional strife within a relationship or make anyone else feel uncomfortable. I don't think I fear rejection if I become angry, I more can't take the stress. I find anger extremely stressful, whether it's my anger or others - and the anger doesn't have to be directed at me, it just has to be in the room. I have a desire to flee if I sense anger and if someone actually attacks of shouts at me I tend to just shut down and become very tired.

Like I say, the reasons I'm asking are complex. It's not specifically about relationships - I'm very comfortable single and not interested in having a boyfriend, although perhaps that will change if I meet someone nice. It's more about my sense of identity, which I have lost somewhat because there have been instances where I don't understand my behaviour or motivations - rare though they be - and it is confusing to me to feel that I am two people (the one that 'did that' and the one that 'doesn't understand why anyone would do that' and doesn't get the point). This is echoed in my now quite long-lasting stance - and one I am certain of - that I couldn't care less about being in a relationship (and sometimes feel quite uncomfortable with the idea of being in one and am relieved when I go on a date and find out I don't like them), but a tendency to become emotionally dependent quickly on new partners, even if I don't have any feelings towards them (their approval is all that will save me etc.) This causes more cognitive dissonance that I would like.

Sorry for long post, just read loads about this and so confused. Wondered if anyone else was more in the know...

Hello insertname: I'm sorry this Thread has not received any previous replies. Longer posts tend not to receive as much attention as shorter ones. (I know because I've written some longer ones!) I don't know the answer to your question. I can relate, somewhat to what you wrote, though. I am also pretty anger-aversive. However I'm an older person &, at this point in my life, my answer to this, as well as to a number of other considerations in my life, is to simply keep to myself as much as possible. My best wishes to you.

[divine1966]

Insert I have no good advice as you sound a bit like me with the difference of be wanting to be in a relAtionship

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