Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother: Dealing with the Consquences

Like the title suggests, I am a daughter of an undiagnosed and unwilling to deal with reality - narcissistic mother.

Due to that, two years ago I made the decision to cease having a relationship with her. To which other relationships in my life have been affected, not really a surprise.

I am at peace with my decision, I know that it is the right decision for me. It's what I needed to do to live a healthy life.

BUT! I am plagued by guilt. Plagued by it,. Makes me feel like the worst person ever.

Just wondering if anyone can relate? And if so, how do you cope with it?

I had a time where I disappeared 3000 miles away from family and friends. But finally after several years, I returned with a fresher attitude. In my case isolation had served its purpose and I found a way to have a career and have limited contact with my family.

No regrets for leaving - I was in pain. No regrets for returning.

I let go of my father years ago (he has passed away since). It took my a long time to let him go...years and years of pain. When I made my decision, I did feel better. My brothers did not really understand but they are not me and did not get treated the same way. If my dad had ever tried to be a better man and reach out to me, I would have reached back. Never happened.

I can understand as well; I've been through something similar with my family. I found that there's no point in feeling guilty. They don't feel guilty, and being there for them almost always makes their life and your life worse. Take care, though. It just means you're a thoughtful person.

Yes, the guilt is hard... but still better than dealing with the narcissist. More often than not, when I act on the guilt feelings, I'm sorry I did so afterwards. I try to remind myself that I am protecting myself with my choice to avoid contact. That's pretty important!

Having had a narcissistic mother myself, I can certainly relate to the desire to be away from her. I am wondering, though, how you can both be at peace with the decision and also plagued by guilt. I wonder about this because it would seem that if you are plagued by guilt, then you are not at peace.

(((((HarperViolet)))))

Classic trademark of a narcissistic parent - the ability to make their child feel guilty about anything, even when there's no logical reason. Many hugs

HarperViolet,

My mom seems to walk on that N line as well. She isn't excessive, but she isn't healthy (at all) either. As a result, after many years of struggling, I finally got the gumption to take a step away.

My decision has not been easy to make nor defend. It has been several years now, and I have just recently began to talk and/or see her once or twice per year (under very light circumstances).

I have limited contact with my narcissistic mother. She's uber competitive with me and always has to come out on top. It's absolutely terrible. She's very materialistic and gets super mean if I get something nice. If I get a dozen roses she throws a fit and demands one of her many boyfriends must get her two dozen. She's never happy for me about anything and criticizes everything I do. I have no siblings and my father is mentally ill and abandoned me years ago. She's my only family and even though I am doing what's right for me with limited contact, it's very lonely and creates a lot of guilt.

I also have very limited contact with my narcissistic mother. There are tons of books on amazon about the narcissistic mother and the psychological scars left on the children. Apparently it's not that uncommon. People expect mothers to be a certain way and no one really thinks a mother can be capable of doing so much harm to their children.

I was even once told by a therapist after he got through speaking with my mom that I was the problem - because that's how good she was at manipulating people. Even though me, my sister, and my dad all talked to the therapist beforehand. Shocking, really.

Anyway...I don't feel guilty for not talking to her anymore, except when mother's day comes around and there's that thought in the back of my mind that society expects me to call her.
We haven't spoken in 3 months and this is normal for us. I've gone years without speaking to her, and now we just have an occasional phone conversation a few times a year, most of those calls are anxiety producing for me because she still hasn't changed a bit.

I think my dad is narcissistic, he does the same thing you say your mom does, he also competes with me. If I buy someone a gift to say thank you for something, he goes and buys that person a better one because he feels the one I bought probably isn't good enough.

Thanks for sharing everyone.

A big part of the guilt I feel is feeling very alone in it. I have very caring people in my life, but no one truly gets it not having gone through it.

It is a bit if an oxymoron to be at peace with it and feel guilt at the same time. The peace is knowing that I'll never have to deal with the emotional abuse again. That I've done what I needed to do to protect myself. Especially after trying to address the problem with her and was just subjected to it again and worse, not having her even show an ounce of humanity, after I laid all out on the line.

The guilt though, unfortunately is part and parcel of the whole maddening game of dealing with a narcissistic. Because she's still my Mother. I still want her approval and want her to like me. So then I feel like a failure of a daughter. Sickening, after all the hurt and despair I've been through BECAUSE of her.

I know the guilt is irrational. I've done nothing to feel guilty about. I've simply made healthy choices.

It's such a mess of emotions.

Thanks for sharing everyone! Part of coping is knowing you're not the only one in the entire world dealing with this. As it can feel that way.

[QUOTE=HarperViolet;4279064]Like the title suggests, I am a daughter of an undiagnosed and unwilling to deal with reality - narcissistic mother.

Due to that, two years ago I made the decision to cease having a relationship with her. To which other relationships in my life have been affected, not really a surprise.

I am at peace with my decision, I know that it is the right decision for me. It's what I needed to do to live a healthy life.

BUT! I am plagued by guilt. Plagued by it,. Makes me feel like the worst person ever. Just wondering if anyone can relate

I can relate. I removed my mother from my life in 2006 and my life is so much better because of it! The only time I even feel a twinge about it is when people ask me how she is and I tell them I do not speak with her. Almost 100 percent of the time the person is either horrified (when they don't really know me) or sad for me (when they only know her public face).

I just made a decision to not care what others think, since I know how much better life is without her!