[confusedgirl1256]

Hi,

I know how my title sounds, but I've been keeping everything in for years for now, and I don't know who to speak to, since my mother clearly doesn't want to admit she was wrong.

She's always had issues with her father. He is a bastard who hit his wife and children and was never a good father to them. He loves his son (last child of 3) more than his 2 daughters and its obvious to anyone who sees it.

My mom has always told me stories of my grandfather, about how he abused them, the stuff he's done and so on. She never actually had it out with him though. I mean, she fights, but there was never any resolution.

The thing is, I see the same happening with me and my mom, and this has been happening since I was 14 (I'm 22 now).

I look like my grandpa and a lot of my mannerisms are like him. You can call me a carbon copy of him if you will (the only one in the family who looks exactly like him).

I've always felt that there was something off, you know. She's more aggressive when dealing with me. Nothing satisfies her. She used to hit me but I put a stop to it when I turned 14. She hit me with a metal rod, and the bruises were pretty bad. For the first time, I told my dad about it (he's almost always at work). They had a big fight, and since then she made a conscious effort not to use physical force.

It got worse when I started college though. I was 17 when I started college. My father had retired from his job the previous year, so the first time in a long while, we actually had time to talk. I like talking to my dad. He's like me, and he understands me, my ambitions and everything. He does have control issues (he wants to keep me near him) but I'll get to that later.

My mom started becoming more aggressive when I got to college. I think that's because I started talking back to her more. I had more confidence, so I realized I didn't have to take anyone's verbal insults without giving back.

It progressively got worse. She was so hot and cold. She's loving one sec, and the next she's being distant. It messed with my head a lot.

My girlfriends never understood it. They couldn't understand a girl having problems with her mother I guess, so I talked about it with the only guy friend I had. He wasn't really understanding either, but he let me talk, so that made things easier.

We started dating, which, in hindsight, was a terrible mistake. He had a lot of issues of his own. He didn't want to disappoint his parents by dating someone of another religion. So, after a couple of months, he broke it off by saying there was never anything there.

That and the daily problems I had with my mother affected my studies a lot, and in my third year, I had a mental breakdown I guess. I still don't know what it was. I was really really depressed. Couldn't get out of bed, and all the dreams I had of starting a business just didn't matter anymore. I took a break from college because I knew that's better than staying and failing.

My dad was supportive, but my mom wasn't. She was pretty angry, wouldn't talk to me at all. The thing is, I was in a pretty bad shape (really bad) and the last thing I wanted was her giving me the cold shoulder one day and shouting at me the next. My sister reacted pretty much the same way (she's 4 years younger than me).

Those couple of months left a deep scar in me I guess. I know that a big part of my breakdown was because of how my mom treated me all those years, but whenever I tell her that, she tells me I'm imagining things, that the only reason I was upset was because of the breakup. Well, I've had 3 breakups before that, and they never upset me. I think I was more upset about him because he was my only confidante, and he betrayed me too.

I did go back to college next year, and finished my course last year (may). It's been almost a year since then, and things haven't gotten any better.

If I think about it, it's gotten worse.

I'm from India, so girls can't get their own apartments until they buy them (I'm from south India).

So, though my business is doing well, I'm stuck at home because I don't have $100,000 to get an apartment here, and I can't get a loan until I've filed tax for at least 3 years (since I don't have a salaried job).

Life is literally unbearable right now. It's gotten worse, and what's worse is that I can't pinpoint exact instances. I realize that she's different with me than she is with my sister, but when we have a fight and I tell her that she's treating me unfairly, I can't explain the exact instances. In hindsight, they seem too small, but if that's the case, why do I feel so bad about all of this?

My dad has never accepted that there was something wrong. Whenever I talk to him about it, he dismissed my doubts.

But finally, last month, I realized that my mom probably secretly hates me, because what else can this be? I understand that she loves me too, but she does have some deep seated resentment towards me.

My guess is its because of my grandfather. She can't have it out with him because he's too old now and she doesn't want to fight with him in his last years (her words, not mine).

Maybe I remind her of him too much? My grandpa and I are not on speaking terms either, so I don't know why I would even remotely remind her of him. I know I have characterestics (physical and otherwise) that resemble him, but still, I'm my own person.

Today I finally confronted her about it. My father finally agreed to co-sign a loan with me so I can get out of the house. It was about time, because I've been very angry the past few months, and I don't want to become like her. I know about the cycle of abuse, and I want the cycle to end with her.

In a fight today, she was telling something about "trusting you to pay for the loan" or something like that. The deal is, he'll sign for the loan, but I pay all the monthly payments, and once I've paid everything in full, he'll sign over his half of the apartment to me.

So, those words were the last nail in the coffin, so the speak. I finally told her that she has to stop hating me for what my grandfather did, that I don't deserve this, and that she is the reason I want to get out of the house in the first place.

For the first time, my father finally agreed that it was the case. But, my mom refused to agree. Hours of shouting and crying, and she thinks I'm crazy and that I'm letting my imagination run free.

Am I? Sitting here right now, I frankly don't know. I only know that as a daughter, I know my mom doesn't like me very much, and that hurts me.

I want to have a good life, but the issues I have with her is tampering with it. I want to make it in my business and have a healthy relationship in the future.

What can I do? How do I get past this cycle I have going on with her? ;.(

[Ruftin]

Hello and Welcome to Psych Central confusedgirl1256!! You have some hard questions there.

I think getting out on your own is a step in the right direction. You can find out who you really are and see things from a different perspective. Perhaps once out on your own your mom will see that you are a grown woman and not a little girl anymore.

Family dynamics are so confusing. My sister has always been my fathers favorite even though we are practically identical in looks, demeanor and intelligence. Neither my sister or I understand it. I have just had to realize that parents, grandparents are no different than you or I. They are just ordinary people trying to get through life the best way they know how. (not to condone how they do this)

Continue to post. There are many here who will want to offer you advice and support.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums.

Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central here's a forum to help you get started.

Hi Confused. I'm so glad you're getting your own apartment!

I'm female and in my early 50s and have always had issues with my mother, although probably not as intense as yours.

As I've gotten older, I've gradually gained some ability to step back and look at my mother's problems and empathize with them some. I was never, ever able to do that when I was in my 20s. My feelings were too strong and painful.

Even so, I have had to limit the time spent with my mother to avoid emotional distress. It's the same for my sister. We have both gone to psychotherapy about this.

You sound like you're making an excellent start on healing this part of your life. I've always found that the happier and stronger I feel, the better I can deal with my mother.