[Gracy]

Hi all,

I am here to clarify few things about my husband. To start with, me and my bf had fallen in love since 2009 and we have been married since 2 years. I am carrying now. Recently I have come to know that he kind of had wild thoughts about his coworker. I discovered it with his online activities. When I enquired initially, he dint agree. After I told him I can prove it, he opened it up. He had dropped her at home few times after work. One day when he was taking her to office, he got tempted by few physical contacts( she was a pillion in his bike). He tried to touch her and she dint resist. The whole day he was fantacizing about her and the next day he approached her and said he ll drop her at home after work. She said ok but left home before he could call her in the evening.

He somehow realized it was bad thing and started looking online forums to stop fantacizing. I am just wondering why did he do this to me. We both lead a quite contented financial life. Sex life is also going fine. But this guy had been addicted to porn which I think is the main reason behind this incident. After we had a conversation about this, he assured me he will be honest to me and he would not watch porn anymore. He quit drinking and smoking as well. Its been a month now.

But yesterday, he was working from home and I left to work. I was bit hesitant to leave him alone at home thinking it might trigger him to watch porn/ drink.(He used to do it whenever he is left alone). But he did not do it yesterday. Instead from the recent files folder, I found he had watched movies like "Unfaithful", "Donjon","the Dirty Shame" etc., When I enquired him, he told me he watched them to learn not to do cheat. I dont know whether I should trust him again. I feel he needs the thrill which he said is no more after getting married.. I really need help from you guys. I respect our relationship and want to survive this. But I need to know whether its worth taking all the pain JUst dont know how to get over this..

[kaliope]

hi gracy
it is going to take a while to rebuild trust in the relationship. he gets credit for trying and giving up what he is but by cold turkeying it doesn't really address the issues. he/you should go to counseling to address the need for the things in the first place. otherwise the temptation will always be there. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Jan1212]

Hi

I would have a hard time trusting my husband if he tried to touch another woman. I don't think I can trust him after that. I have a hard time trusting people. I would think those are just movies but he tried to hide it. Maybe he needs to know that he will get support from you if he decides to get counseling for it. I am also having trust issues with my husband, I am planning to go to counseling myself, there's not much I can do to change him. My husband acted so weird when I was pregnant, he was so anxious and different. But now he loves our baby to death and wouldn't trade his life for anyone else's

[hamster-bamster]

Gracy, I am unclear why you connected his fantasizing about the coworker with his use of porn. Men have fantasized about the women that they are in close contact with for a very long time, and online porn has been available since mid-90s. The drinking/smoking part, too - how is that connected? Your first paragraph describes the interactions between your H and that woman, at work. Based on what you wrote, your H was sober throughout those interactions and contact.

From what you have described, it appears that he is now playing the role of a mischievous kid who was found out and who is trying to be good or to pretend to be good. And you are playing the role of a big enforcer of discipline in the family - no smoking, no drinking, no porn, no touching female coworkers, curfew at 9PM.

This is not going to work in the long term. For a sprint, sure; for a marathon, no way.

Could you select ONE thing that you want him to stop doing for now? What would the most important thing be for you? Pick your battles.

Compromise - e.g. maybe he can go outside to smoke if you, understandably, do not want second hand smoke in the house, neither for yourself nor the baby. Drinking - how about he drinks at dinnertime with you present?

You also wrote that you did not know why he did that TO YOU referring to his fantasizing about the coworker. When you fantasize, do you fantasize just because thoughts, feelings, and fantasies cross your mind, or intentionally, as a way to do something bad TO SOMEONE?

I think the main problem in your r/s is that you took the role of an authority figure and he took the role of a boy who is trying to hide his misdeeds.

[ChristianaX]

I bet a lot of guys would read your description of the original incident (him home alone, and he only watched movies) and laugh. You realize that most men can hide their online activities by cleaning up or just using a private browsing session on your internet browser?

[ChristianaX]

[QUOTE=hamster-bamster;4125354]Gracy, I am unclear why you connected his fantasizing about the coworker with his use of porn. Men have fantasized about the women that they are in close contact with for a very long time, and online porn has been available since mid-90s. QUOTE]

Hamster, murder has been around since the caveman days. Why are you saying that she was wrong to connect the incident with the coworker with the porn watching problem he has. No, I'd say it's completely beyond a random passing fantasy that he was having. It was more of him watching this coworker and then trying to touch her and get sexual on her in some mild way that may open a door to sex with her. You need to realize that the urge to watch women in a sexual way can actually be fed by porn as well as creeping on the women in your every day world.