Developing anxiety in a relationship

Hi all

So I've been with my girl for 6 months now, and I've noticed that I'm getting really anxious and depressed when we can't spend time together. Because of our jobs we cannot see each other sometimes for 6 days at a time, and we won't be sleeping in the same bed just shy of 2 weeks... I've noticed that I'm getting angry as well, now the strange thing is it's like a roll reversal from my last girlfriend.

If I carry on with my little comments about how we don't spend more time with each other I feel she'll not want to be with me, she's stated that I can't keep going mad with her for lack of communication. Sometimes though she is to blame and It's not like if she doesn't reply for 30 mins, it was 12 hours the other day and I see that as unacceptable and I told her this, we hadn't seen each other for around 6 days so a simple text is a given right? Or today for instance we had a lovely day and then I had to take her home early as she wasn't well and had something to do, sounds like no problem? But she spent all day the day before with friends and all night, it is her birthday mind so I don't mind really. But I only get 7 hours today and I couldn't help myself to say something which was "We hardly got much time with each other" her reply was "Why do you do that it ruins a good day", she later said I didn't ruin it but i only say it cause i miss her...

I never used to have fear that she'd leave me but all of sudden as shes mentioned houses and moving out it's kinda come out of the blue, I'm fine when I'm with her but when I'm not I don't wanna do anything including working... Now I've started a new job so I can't let it keep getting to me. I used to love playing my xbox and seeing my mates, and all of a sudden I don't want to... Why has this suddenly come along??

I used to suffer with depression and I'm wondering if I go back on the meds it might help me? I don't wanna lose her I love her to bits and we are putting savings away for a house .

I guess the way I'm thinking is that she'll leave me for no reason and if I have a problem I feel she'll leave me, I had this with my ex and I took the rubbish for ages until it made me crack and I left her, I've only been like this for a month, she knows how I feel but I don't really tell her as she won't like that and I know that for a fact. I get feelings that she doesn't want to see me and I'm not a priority... I know that there's a reason to this maybe a trigger?? I just don't know what.

Any help would be great

Danny
x

Hi Danny,

When I read your story, it's like I'm reading myself.
I know how it feels to be away from the one you love because of work. It was a problem between my ex and me. I was angry when he got to go somewhere without me like seeing friends or skiing, for example, because I knew he was going to leave soon for few days or a week. I felt like I was not a priority either and I was not interested to do what I used to do when I was not with him... Why ? Because I was focusing on spending time with him and left myself behind...

Unfortunately, I realized some things after the break up. We often focus on problems instead of solutions. You told her how you feel about this lack of proximity, right ?
You should take care of yourself when you're not with her. Doing what you like.
You can try to count the moment you spend with her and enjoy that moments instead of counting the time you two are apart. You missed so much when you think about the negative. Don't make it an issue like I did. You don't want her to feel guilty to work. This is her job. Also, ask yourself : Do you prefer not having her at all ? Of course not. Between having her for a day or not at all, the choice is easy.
But you can tell her that you want to spend more time with her. That's totally normal. Unfortunately, if you ever feel unhappy, then I think you'll have to think about what you want and what you deserve for yourself.

I wish you all the best, Danny.
Take care of you

Thanks for the advise Jules, I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out for you and your ex partner.

I would say she knows my biggest problem is over thinking and over analysing things. She's told me that and others have as well. I'm not sure how to stop doing it? Ha. I try to do me things but for some reason that makes me think we'll grow apart?! Stupid huh?

Buying a house is a huge commitment. If you think that she feels you are not a priority, then I don't think you guys are ready.

Frankly, I hear a little bit of an obsession on your part and a little bit of her pushing you away because she feels overwhelmed.

Can you get counseling together?

I was pretty sure you were that kind of person (over thinking and analysing... same here!!).

Well, I think that depends on her capacity to be involve in an intimate relationship because your willing to be with her is really there. It's important to have a proximity. You want to grow with her, to build something. It's at your best advantage.
I think the worst thing you could do is to be invasive because you'll her push away. Some people don't have the same needs.