[CosmicRose]

I received a mail package from my mom today out of the blue, for no apparent reason. We haven't spoken in 3 months which is very normal for us because we don't have a good relationship and I've tried to stay No Contact with her in the past. Inside the package was a Psychology Today magazine that said "Let It Go" in big letters on the front. There was a post-it note on the front in her handwriting that said "Thought you would find this mag interesting - mom". And inside the magazine there was an old letter from my kindergarten teacher to my mom that said "Thank you Mrs ___, for volunteering to make playdoh for the class." and it had a playdoh recipe written on it.

I am soo confused by this. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand her motivation behind sending this. I don't understand if this is vindictive or what. She is a very vindictive person and this type of thing is not unusual for her to do, she's been playing these mind games since my childhood. She was abusive and an alcoholic throughout my childhood.
It was very triggering for me today.

I don't know how to respond to this and I don't want to talk to her. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call her and be like "What the ***?" but I know for a fact she will play dumb and use my response to her advantage, telling all her friends and her creepy husband how horrible I am to her or that she was "just trying to help". Omg.

[Bill3]

(((((CosmicRose)))))

I don't know how to respond to this and I don't want to talk to her.

You could ignore it.

[freaka]

edit: bill beat me to it !

why not just ignore it? you probably won't get a genuine dialogue anyhow, and you most likely will end up feeling bad. my mother is also a narcissist and i know that any type of "offerings" on her part only served to leave me laden with guilt and negativity.

[CosmicRose]

I can't tell if she's really THAT oblivious, or if she's really THAT evil.

[Bill3]

Well narcissists can certainly be oblivious, totally centered as they are on themselves.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I can't tell if she's really THAT oblivious, or if she's really THAT evil.

I think it's both. Sounds that way to me.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I received a mail package from my mom today out of the blue, for no apparent reason. We haven't spoken in 3 months which is very normal for us because we don't have a good relationship and I've tried to stay No Contact with her in the past. Inside the package was a Psychology Today magazine that said "Let It Go" in big letters on the front. There was a post-it note on the front in her handwriting that said "Thought you would find this mag interesting - mom". And inside the magazine there was an old letter from my kindergarten teacher to my mom that said "Thank you Mrs ___, for volunteering to make playdoh for the class." and it had a playdoh recipe written on it.

I am soo confused by this. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand her motivation behind sending this. I don't understand if this is vindictive or what. She is a very vindictive person and this type of thing is not unusual for her to do, she's been playing these mind games since my childhood. She was abusive and an alcoholic throughout my childhood.
It was very triggering for me today.

I don't know how to respond to this and I don't want to talk to her. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call her and be like "What the ***?" but I know for a fact she will play dumb and use my response to her advantage, telling all her friends and her creepy husband how horrible I am to her or that she was "just trying to help". Omg.

[toolman65]

Mail it back to her.

return to sender, not interested.

she wants to provoke you into resuming contact. If you don't want to talk to her, then don't.

[healingme4me]

What does your therapist suggest?

I would suggest, thanks, but not right now, until more work is done in therapy.

Sounds more like pleading than vindictive behavior, maybe it was the playdoh?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Ignore. I know it is hard. My mother is the same way. She sends me little stupid clippings that have nothing to do with anything. Health advice that I am ready following for my incurable medical condition. Then she calls and asks for approval.

The last time she did it, she called afterwards and I said, "i know this. My Iq is a good 20 points higher than yours. Do not call me."

I try to ignore, but I was off my meds and lost it.

[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

What does your therapist suggest?

I am not currently seeing a therapist. Kind of wish I was right now though, so that I could tell them what was happening and they could actually document the mind games she plays so that I don't think I'm going crazy all the time.

[healingme4me]

I don't believe therapists are truly there to document much.

All we can control is our reactions.
Maybe ignoring her mail, is best, for now.

It was almost five years, before my T mentioned the possibility of narcissistic traits, when discussing my father. The mentioning of traits merely validates my past and present. Merely brings awareness of how to take comments and it's up to me, the steps I need to take, from there. Knowledge of my sister's borderline diagnosis, merely points me onto the path, that I need to accept what her behavior means in the grande scheme of things.

What brings you to conviction about narcissism?


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[CosmicRose]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

What brings you to conviction about narcissism?

Her unwavering ability to deny the things she has done, even when presented with facts or memories of actual events. She will flat out deny everything to the point of even accusing me of making things up.
The sheer destruction she has caused, in not only my life, but my father's life and my sister's life, along with other people throughout her life including her extended family members, coworkers, and basically anyone she forms a relationship with.
Everyone comments about her strange behavior and her blatant disregard for other people's feelings.
There are way too many stories to go into detail about here, but the things she has done would make anyone's jaw drop. She's a very spiteful person who can easily lie if it suits her best interest and she doesn't care who she hurts along the way.
If you aren't with her, you're against her, and if you're against her you better watch out because her wrath is terrifying and she will go to extreme lengths to make life harder for that person.

Her emotional and mental torment, yelling, calling me names like "pathetic", "stupid", the B word, all while I was growing up even at young ages. She of course denies all of this. She also denies having a drinking problem even though me and my sister have a running joke that every time we would lose her in a grocery store we always knew to go to the liquor aisle because she would be there and sure enough she always was - not even kidding.

The divorce was the worst. When I was 13-14 she moved her boyfriend in to live with me, my sister and my dad. So we all had to live with this creepy strange man in our home while my dad was there too, I was traumatized by this after all the years of hell we had already gone through.
She still thinks doing that was totally normal and not a big deal.
Oh yeah and she ignored us entirely throughout that process.

When we left that home finally, we drove away and I didn't even say goodbye to her. I went No Contact for a few years after that, and occasionally I would attempt to speak to her over the phone to "give her another chance" because I always hoped she would somehow realize her mistakes and apologize, silly me. I told her she wouldn't be allowed back in my life if she did not apologize for all the hurt she caused me, she refused, and she or I would hang up and not speak to each other for another long period of time.
To this day, she claims that I made the choice to not let her into my life - but it was actually because she refused to apologize. You would think any mother would simply apologize just to try to patch up the relationship with their daughter - but no.

Apparently to her, it's all my fault for the shambles our relationship is in. So I think Narcissist fits her very well. The destruction of others around her, while she holds tightly onto her own self preservation at all costs.

[healingme4me]

Alcoholism certainly has a way with memory distortion. The alcoholic can know what they feel. Yet, not recognize their behaviors as harmful. It's the lacking of personal responsibility.
You'd think an apology and attempt to make amends would be in order, yet, that, too is part of the recovery process.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. Being ACOA brings it's own set of trials.
Sounds like she's trying to remind herself that she cares, albeit it plays out in a dysfunctional way.

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[hvert]

I would throw it out and try to forget about it. This isn't a peace gesture - it's another way of her telling you that you are wrong. My father does the same kind of thing, bringing up times in the past where he sacrificed himself that one time by doing something that any parent should be doing anyway.

There's a lot of guilt that goes with cutting off an unkind parent, but how many times do we have to give them one more chance? I also grew up in very bad conditions due to my father's narcissism and substance abuse. Maybe it's not all his fault that he is the way he is, but he made really self-serving choices for himself when I was a kid and he continues to do so now that I am an adult. I can exercise my own right to make decisions that work for me and my best interest, not his.

Anyway, you are not crazy - that is a crazy making package your mother sent you, like the globe for Christmas.

[marmaduke]

Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Narcissists are feeders they like to provoke, poke and dig to see if you can be goaded into a reaction.
Or they 'hoover' you with apparent 'niceness' into engaging with them, and, then. Bam. They knock you right down again.

[JadeAmethyst]

It must be confusing when this happens. I wish you a safe journey through this passage. It will be ok.

Jade