[fa87]

Hello everyone,

I need some advice to get over this feeling of drowning and wanting to kill myself.
Didn't know where to post this, please post it at the supposed forum if it isnt correct.
I think its best if I start with a short intro followed by the problem.

I'm a 27 year old male, single child and raised by my parents who I always assumed cared greatly about me.
My father is a 63 year old male who was married my mother when he was 28 and she was 18, he divorced his first wife with whom he had 4 children with, I was born 7 years later.

My 3 brothers and sister have always hated me and threated me with contempt, we see each other maybe once every 4/5 years ands its always casual.
Its because they feel neglected by my father and are jeleous of our band, they even told me often as a child.

He has been my best friend and most cared about person along with my mother for almost my whole life, despite his flaws, which were gambling and a severe alcohol addiction.
He has also been unfaithful to my mother several times even though the relationship prevailed back then.
I grew up with gambling and alcohol along with the abuse that comes with it has to be said he never hit me in my life.

I grew up into a free spirit type of person who greatly cares about freedom and self development, traveling the world, meeting new people etc.
One semester shy of graduating University and moving abroad to South Korea I got a call, it was my father 60 years old now, diagnosed with cancer and most likely to die within a year. I dropped out and took care of him for more than a year.
He had an operation and survived cancer yet changed a lot as a person, he was angry with God/my mother/ life in general and started to regulary get into conflicts with my mother.
When she suspected him of cheating with a 45 year old neighbour they eventually got into fights for over a year, even got so bad he nearly choked her once.
Eventually they decide to go on a short break apart after 35 years.

Meanwhile, me the dropout is stuck in the middle constantly, acting like dr. Phill.
At this point I am living with my girldriend, adn we have a 7 year long relationship.
My gf is a free spirit type like me, we travel a lot and want to live in various places.

One day I go by my father's appartment unanounced and hear him showering with a woman, I leave.
He figures out it was me at the door and starts texting me, my mother(whom I'm visting reads my text's when i'm a the bathroom) breaks up all contact with him.
I see him later, he denies everything, blames me for everything and acts as if I ruined his life and long time relationship.

I'm losing my mind over ******** which isnt even true, insulting and extremely dissapointing.
He blames me for his mistakes, I know he knows its not true yet he acts like that to protect his gf and himself. I'm also embarrased by the whole situation, its ridiculous.
My initial response is to break of all contact and tell him to **** and of and take care.
Then I realize, he has nobody, his whole family already consider him an outcast, his other children hate him and avoid contact and if I decide not to see him anymore in the end he would die completely alone from cancer/heart attack or liver failure within a few years.
Beside that he would also blame my mother if my relationship with him got ruined, as if she had brainwashed me into thinking how evil he is, he already threathened her several times.
Called me crying several times begging for contact and complaining about loneliness, I decide its best for my mother and the man I considered my best friend for 25 years if everything goes back to normal, even though inside I am hurtin greatly by the whole thing.

During this whole thing, out of mowhere my gf calls me to tell me she is pregnant!
I have no job/offically a degree and am nowhere ready to become a parent, I neevr even wanted children, atleast not now, maybe when I was around 35.

I figure out my gf wasnt on the pill and got pregnant on purpose, she stopped secretly at my most messed up time in life.
I tracked back the exact moment of conception and remember her asking specifically to cum inside her, which she rarely did in all the years before.

She denies doing it on purpose yet acts like she didnt take the pill for a month after forgetting it, being surprised she got pregnant and the whole thing being an accident. Didnt take a morning after pill, told me to wear a condom or anything though…
I tell her the timing is way of, I want an abortion and try again later. For her its totally unacceptable yet after a lot of discussion she agrees, only to follow up with running out of the clinic crying at the moment supreme.

I feel so extremely let down and betrayed by people I cared about most, yet cant do anything about it, its not within my control. Leaving the baby isnt an option, its still my son and he didnt choose to be born like this, why should he have to suffer because of me?
Im extremely depressed and anxious at this point, I drink vodka on a daily basis, started smoking again and cant focus on anything for more than a few minutes.

Several months later the baby is born, and its the only thing in the world I really value greatly.
Yet now i'm stuck, I have been empty for more than a year now, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing no matter what I try. Only my son smiling brings a smile on my face.
My main problem is i'm forced to fake my emotions for the sake others.

I need to act like im in a normal relationship with my father so he wont die a sad old man and/or he wont kill my mother blaming her for our ruined contact.

For my girlfriend I feel zero % of love, the woman who I loved most, never cheated on in 7 years who betrayed me, babytrapped me for selfish reasons at my worst time in life and took away what I value more than anything, my freedom.
Yet the consequences for breaking up would be, risking not seeing my son, her struggling to raise him on welfare and him being raised/beaten/abused by an asshole stepdad.
I need control over the situation to make sure he is safe/happy.

Problem is it leads to me faking all my emotions and lie about being happy, since I dont feel any for a while now its extremely tiring.
I want to choke her everytime we talk not faking to pretent being interested in her feelings/work/emotions and even options in general and loving her a lot.

No matter what happens, my freedom, faith in love and people in general is gone. I cant trust anyone nor do I want to. My long relationship has been based on fake perceptions and lies, so it was wasted time. I want to have a fresh start way abroad or kill myself and be done with this life but cant cause of my son's sake, I love him too much for that to happen.
I'm already dead, this is overtime in life for me, forced to wear a mask for 20+ years.

Logically i'm worried we will break up in the next several years, she will tell my son about me pushing the abortion and he will hate me forever, its a realistic scenario which i'm trying to prevent.
Nobody knows all this by the way, all her friends consider me this loser alcoholic lowlife guy who is dissapointing his gf and son.

It feels ike i'm innocently serving a prison sentence abroad for 20+ years backstabbed by the person who I loved most and forced to be in the same room acting very happy, lovely and friendly.

I feel like drowning though, so very tired of acting and hiding how extremely dissapointed I am in the two people out of 3 whom I loved most in the world.
What to do/take/try to cope better with this situation?

Thanks in advance people

Man, it sounds like you have been through a lot and I can't even begin to tell you how to cope with what you have been through. Are you currently seeing a therapist or a psychologist? They may be able to assist you in positive coping mechanisms and help you out of this depression you seem to be in.

I hope that others here (I'm sure there are) have been where you are at and can assist you right now with some ideas on how to cope, but in the meantime, I would look for some professional advise as well. Stay strong my friend. You aren't alone here.