[nievenancy]

Been together 7 years married 6. My husband is 31 i am 24. We seperated almost a year due to untreated mental issues and infidelity. He was diagnosed bipolar and medicated now. Finally living together again I was excited to spice things up as that was his excuse for cheating. Now he claims his meds and our kids distract him from wanting sex. We've had sex maybe 8 times in 3 months and never intimate, quick, no kissing or eye contact. I found on his phone search history for all kinds of sexy teen, hot teen babe, most beautiful teens 2014, panty hose fetish teen miniskirt etc. This crushed me. He claims to have no sex drive but goes and looks at that crap. I am not unattractive. 5'11 135 lbs DD boobs- but his choices have made me feel worthless. He says he's been battling these demons his whole life and it had nothing to do with me but how am I supposed to feel when I am right here willing to fulfill his fantasies and he doesn't even express a desire to be with me. Can you please help me make sense of this? I don't have much heart left to break. The infidelity nearly killed me. Please help.

[JJBX]

I don't know. My only thought is that it cold be emotional? Maybe he is just looking to break rules by cheating or seeking something outside of the marriage, which, I don't know how you resolve that except through roleplaying early on. At this point, he's been caught, so it could just be that he's having second thoughts or can sense that you're still emotionally distant. I would suggest marriage counseling, but only if he can be honest and actually cares about working on this relationship. Maybe he's not ready/willing to do that. I don't know.

Is he perhaps manic again? Not making excuses for him but hyper sexuality immediately came to my mind and that can lead one to some bad choices. xox

[Rose76]

I'm sorry for your situation. You mention "kids," which makes this more complicated. The good news, as I see it, is that you have already survived a year of separation. I think you're going to have to write off these past 3 months as a failed attempt to save a marriage. You tried, but it is just not working. I don't believe it ever will.

It's getting these days to where being diagnosed as Bipolar is being used to cloak any multitude of problems/failings. You can delude yourself into believing that the main problem is his supposed Bipolar Disorder. It's not. He has a kinky-ish sexual orientation. He doesn't just need "spice," which you can provide. He needs more than you're ever going to provide. And he is not going to stop looking for it. Instead of taking this to mean that you are worthless, take it for what it really is: There is something seriously wrong with him, and I'm afraid it's hard-wired. He's damaged. There is no medication that fixes his problem. He's to be pitied, but not to the point that you sacrifice yourself on the altar of trying to make work what is unworkable.

So you were like 17 y.o. when you got involved with him. He was 25. From what he says, he knew, even way back then, that he had this drive. You are only more recently finding out that he is this disordered. I don't use that word to make a moral judgement about him. I use it because he himself describes these tendencies as "battling demons." It's not a happy way to live, which is why I say he is to be pitied. I expect that life is going to get worse and worse for him, no matter how much psych treatment he gets.

The main problem is not that he is attracted to sexual contact outside the marriage. The main problem is that he does not find much sexual fulfillment inside the marriage. That's what gives you so little to work with. Well-adjusted people manage to meld together sexual satisfaction with love. He has those two things completely separated. There is no having any satisfying level of intimacy with someone like that. Stay in this marriage and you have a life of loneliness to look forward to . . . worse than the loneliness of actually being alone.

Another piece of good news is that you are all of 24 y.o. Get back into that separated mode that you were in for a year. Then start pursuing divorce. Don't be real mad or bitter toward him. He didn't chose this orientation. He's screwed up. Don't tell him that "If you really loved me, you would change." Who knows what we can and can't change about ourselves. All that you need to focus on is that you need to change your living situation, and manage that change to be as non-stressful for your children as possible.

[Open Eyes]

I agree with a lot of, if not most of what Rose has said here. His problem has nothing to do with your worthiness either. He is showing you that he has not changed, and I honestly don't think he ever will either. You are still young yet, can find someone else that actually "can" be there for you in a healthier way. I don't feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for you in that you have been challenged with this kind of person.