[insertname]

I've always had difficulty bonding, particularly platonically. I seem to bond ok in romantic relationships, but in platonic relationships I take a long time to "warm up" and I often don't feel properly "friends" with someone for years.

I've looked at everything I can do wrong socially, but they're all things I do with people who are already close friends, not new people, like:
- sometimes I talk too much because I have a lot of stuff in my head and this can be exhausting
- I think I could have better listening skills, but they're not awful
- A couple of times in my life I've been too emotionally needy when I'm going through crisis (but my self soothing skills are better so I should avoid this in future) - at these times I've also lost social judgement through sleep-deprivation and ended up too self-absorbed and too negative.

The only time I've lost friends is when going through crisis (very many years ago now), but I didn't 'lose them' altogether, we had a little break and we're all really close friends again now. It's just the relationship got to one-sided where I needed too much support. I've never had a 'fall out' with someone - you know, like an argument. My life has been basically conflict free, but I did at one point need more support than is reasonable.

I'm working to improve on all that, and don't reach out often now for support, but it doesn't explain why I can't make new friends because like I say these are problems I have with people I'm close to.

I get on with everyone I meet pretty well and I think I can be quite funny in conversation and quite often I can make people laugh, but really it all just stays at the acquaintance level and never blossoms into any kind of friendship. I feel quite disconnected from everyone but I'm not sure why.

An old therapist told me to share myself more, and I took her advice, but then I've thought about it again and thought 'actually, I share too much with my close friends' - like I talk about myself too much - so now I'm not quite sure why she told me to do that.

I basically can't think of anything I'm doing wrong with people I meet. They all seem to like me enough, I think they just have enough friends already maybe? Also, sometimes I'm invited to things and sometimes I go - to be honest, I can't always be bothered, it depends on the crowd. When I do go, I have conversations with people but I don't feel like I'm connecting. Even when we're agreeing on stuff and we seem to like the same TV shows or music etc, I still feel like we're very different people.

I know I've written a lot but I wanted to give you a very clear idea. Can anyone think of what I might be doing/not doing that is different from other people?

[HockingPastryChef]

From what I can see is that you are making too much judgment towards yourself. You need to realize that you are you.

Do some self awareness tests on yourself like write out what you like and don't like, your interests and what you want to find in a healthy friendship. Looking into "Assertiveness" helps too.

I think you are just over-thinking on yourself which is creating anxiety.

I also want to put is everybody has those moments time to time where they will feel out of place from others.

[insertname]

Originally Posted by HockingPastryChef

From what I can see is that you are making too much judgment towards yourself. You need to realize that you are you.

Do some self awareness tests on yourself like write out what you like and don't like, your interests and what you want to find in a healthy friendship. Looking into assertiveness helps too.

I think you are just over-thinking on yourself which is creating anxiety.

I also want to put is everybody has those moments time to time where they will feel out of place from others.

Thank you, yes people do tend to tell me I'm too harsh on myself. It tends to be perfectionism. I don't think I'm really bad - like I say, I don't have unstable friendships or conflicts - I just want to be doing my best all the time. I could probably be more forgiving towards myself and I'm trying that.

I know what I like and don't like and what my interests are and stuff I also know what I want in a friendship. It's basically exactly what I have in my current friendships but more equality. We get on absolutely great when we're together, but I'd like it if they invited me to hang out sometimes instead of it always being me. If they did that, our friendships would be perfect to me.

I don't feel particularly anxious, to be honest, I'm not even really that lonely. I've just noticed that I have less resilience to some life challenges because of my isolation so I've decided to think about what I could do to solve that. I spend most of my time alone.

I do realise people have moments etc, but for me it's basically everybody. There's no one I would miss, basically, were they not around. I like them, we're just not connected. I've only ever missed one person and that was an ex a very long time ago.

[HockingPastryChef]

Originally Posted by insertname

Thank you, yes people do tend to tell me I'm too harsh on myself. It tends to be perfectionism. I don't think I'm really bad - like I say, I don't have unstable friendships or conflicts - I just want to be doing my best all the time. I could probably be more forgiving towards myself and I'm trying that.

I know what I like and don't like and what my interests are and stuff I also know what I want in a friendship. It's basically exactly what I have in my current friendships but more equality. We get on absolutely great when we're together, but I'd like it if they invited me to hang out sometimes instead of it always being me. If they did that, our friendships would be perfect to me.

I don't feel particularly anxious, to be honest, I'm not even really that lonely. I've just noticed that I have less resilience to some life challenges because of my isolation so I've decided to think about what I could do to solve that. I spend most of my time alone.

I do realise people have moments etc, but for me it's basically everybody. There's no one I would miss, basically, were they not around. I like them, we're just not connected. I've only ever missed one person and that was an ex a very long time ago.

Ok, I see.

I would say just get out of your comfort zone and challenge those fears that are leading to you thinking about yourself this way. Maybe go to some different social groups and/or clubs.

Also look more into empathy and becoming more compassionate, that can help you become more connected. Also like I said before Assertiveness is a good way to help you. It's not just about expressing yourself but it's also has to do with connecting with others.

Here is this website I found too:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margar...b_2559654.html

[insertname]

Originally Posted by HockingPastryChef

Ok, I see.

I would say just get out of your comfort zone and challenge those fears that are leading to you thinking about yourself this way. Maybe go to some different social groups and/or clubs.

Also look more into empathy and becoming more compassionate, that can help you become more connected. Also like I said before Assertiveness is a good way to help you. It's not just about expressing yourself but it's also has to do with connecting with others.

Here is this website I found too:

7 Reasons Why Connection With Self and Others Is So Important*|*Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Thanks This tells me I'm on the right track, actually. My boss said in my appraisal recently that she's noticed I've got lots more assertive over the year. I tend to deal with very high-level people and at first I didn't have much confidence in that, but now I'm assertive (in a polite, professional way) with people at all levels. I think having that in my job has also made me a lot more assertive in the rest of my life, because after you've openly disagreed with the CEO it's not frightening to stand up for yourself in any situation! Although sometimes I doubt that whatever I'm feeling is rational (I freak out if my emotions don't seem to have a rational cause because I think it proves I'm 'mental' and then I don't want to share because I'm embarrassed and think people will find out I have issues). If that's going on then I'm likely to be less assertive because I don't want to admit that I feel something that doesn't really make any sense. I've realised this is does me harm, though, so I've made the conscious decision to 'own my feelings' in a sense and just say, well I feel this way and that's how I feel and how I feel matters.

I'm pretty good at empathy with others, it's something I'm fortunate people have pointed out in me, and I'm very good at seeing the other person's side in things, but I can be awful at self-compassion and sometimes I wholly take the other person's side if there is any conflict. My friends might stick up for me if I tell them about it later, but I'm very adept at persuading them that I was the person in the wrong! I need to stop taking responsibility for everything, I've realised that, and hope that next time there is any conflict (it's pretty rare for me so no time to practice!) I will remember to only own my own behaviour and not theirs too.

I've tried social clubs but I did end up chickening out. Each week I have another go at persuading myself to go again, so maybe I can have another go this week. This is something I'm just going to have to keep working at, I think. It's a bit harder to overcome. I'm always fine the first time I meet people but if I feel like I've made mistakes I never want to see them again, so I start avoiding. I know not to do this but I can feel so horrific in those moments that it's difficult to overcome. I'm nowhere near as shy as I was this time last year (in fact, I doubt anyone I've met this year knows I'm shy - some have seemed really surprised when I said I used to be shy!) so this will come with time and more practice, I think.

I had a little look at the article - thank you Again, I think it's telling me I'm on the right track. I don't tend to rely on others for love as a standard - I don't think it's fair on them - although in my worst moments when I was younger I have relied too heavily on others. But to be honest, sometimes those articles sort of agree with the voice in my head - you can be around other people when you learn to be happy. Before then, you're not good enough, you've got a big hole inside. Learn to be happy with who you are first, then you'll become acceptable to other people.

I know I'm reading that into it, and it's probably because my only source of shame is that I think I'm too unhappy (I'm pretty proud of the other bits of me), so I'm probably projecting my own fears (unhappy people don't deserve friends) on to the article.

EDIT: Read the article properly. Not all is aimed at people like me as it talks about not taking responsibility for your feelings/yourself, and doing exactly that is something I take pride in (I'm always able to apologise and fully take responsibility and is very rare for me to unfairly lay the blame out of anger etc.) But I totally recognised the other-directedness. I tend to notice what other people are feeling a lot and be quite focused on them. I probably feel a lot of guilt, for instance if I am happily nattering away about something I read and then notice the other person looks exhausted and I think 'oh God, poor them, I'm talking too much'. I had never seen it as trying to gain love, and I think I'm quite afraid of being or becoming self-centred, but I can see the argument. I'm being a bit too harsh on myself there maybe.