[r0xychIc]

Where to begin? I'm just gonna try to hit the main points.

I've been friends with this girl for over 2 years. We had a slow developing friendship but I would consider us to be pretty close. She's lived a very sheltered life but I was able to bring her out of the shell. She's had a lot of bad relationships in the past so she's not had a close relationship with anyone for 8 years.

About 6 months ago my brother and her started dating (i got them together and encouraged the relationship) they will be getting married soon. BEFORE they started dating we talked about our relationship and how neither of us wanted anything between us to change IF things did work out between them we also said we valued our close relationship and I was so excited to have the sister I've always wanted. In the beginning everything was fine but I starting distancing myself from them because I didn't want to get hurt it's happened to me before with other girls dating my brother. Anyways, We were able to work through thru the drama and get back to being happy.

My friends mother was not very happy about their relationship so she cut her daughter out of her life for some time. Obviously during that time she was very sad about it so i was there to comfort her and see her thru that time we had so much fun together. She made it known that we were getting closer and it felt amazing, we would text or talk every day, laugh about everything and do pretty much whatever bff's do. I spent so much time and energy on this girl throughout our whole friendship not just during the mean mom time.

January 1st when her mom forgave her or whatever everything changed. She made it known that she wanted to spend as much time with her mom as possible and that nothing would change between us but oh did it ever chance. I tried to keep our friendship going as normal but she was acting funny. I let her know she's been acting distant and I felt like I was in a one sided relationship told her I didn't want our friendship to do a 180. She assured me it wasn't. But it has

As I tried to keep our relationship normal she said I was acting needy and possessive, she didn't want to talk to me everyday, she told me to focus on myself and she has a daughter she needs to take care of. Also said I require too much of her time. Her idea of a friendship is talking once a week or once a month to catch up. So once again I started to draw away from her to give her space which she wasn't very happy with.

Most recently about 2 weeks ago I told her how all her actions and the way she contradicts herself has really hurt my heart. Now she won't talk to me it's been 2 weeks. I've tried texting her a couple times but I've only gotten one word replies, she let my brother know that she's mad at me so she doesn't want to talk to me. She pretty much dropped me like I never meant anything to her.

I'm so confused, hurt and crazy over this situation. My brother is so in love with her it seems as tho he doesn't care about the way she treats me. He's planning on proposing soon. I don't know what to do. Keep trying with her? Wait it out? Let her go?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) r0xychic. Sorry you are feeling so much hurt and confusion over this relationship.

Some people at PC will find a therapist will help them if talking is one way you naturally work things out. Meeting people here at PC has helped me also.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

There are articles that go into more detail about coping
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Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[kaliope]

hi roxychic
i do see how you were getting mixed messages but i can also tell from your description why she would say you were acting needy and possessive. the post seemed to carry that tone. however it does seem like she was benefitting from the relationship and then when she no longer needed it she tossed you off. but i do see the value in keeping the relationship, especially if she is going to become your SIL. it seems like a talk is in order to clarify boundaries though. the relationship needs to be defined and the rules need to stop changing. using i feel statements is essential.
i feel....insert feeling word
when...describe situation trying not to use word you
because...how it impacts you
what i would like is........describe what you want

so, i feel frustrated when i received mixed messages regarding the nature of our friendship because one minute it seems we are bffs and the next i am relegated to an aquaintance who only gets contact once a month. what i would like is some understanding of the nature of our relationship.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central rOxychIc!!! It's so nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[LookingforCalm]

As someone who has been through her fair share of friendships, I'd say that keeping a distance from this girl isn't a bad idea. She doesn't seem to need you until she "needs" you, and you are the one who winds up getting hurt because of it. From what I've read, this sheltered friend, as you've called her, doesn't understand how to handle relationships.

Someone above mentioned that you guys discuss boundaries, and I agree. I have heard more than what I've ever wanted to hear from my SIL about my brother, and I don't need to know that stuff.

Be careful, tread lightly, and keep standing up for yourself. Sometimes when people get mad it's because you called them out on their behavior. Let's see if she "gets" it.

Good luck!

[where.ever.you.are.]

Im going to give my honest opinion here:

I would suggest that you try not to take things too personally.

I understand that you might feel hurt by her being more distant. But try seeing things from her point of view instead of making the situation about yourself. Be happy for her that she made amends with her mother. Be happy for her that she has a healthy relationship with your brother. Those are all good things that you should want for your friend.

Everyone has their own lives to live, you know? Just because your friend doesnt give you her attention every second doesnt mean that she doesnt value your friendship. Friends are supposed to be there for each other when they need each other. You were there for her during her time of need and im sure she appreciated that but you cant expect her to revolve her life around you. She has other people in her life, not just you.

Try developing some hobbies and broadening your friendships. I think you may find it easier to understand other peoples behavior as a result. You seem like a good, caring person with good intentions- you just need to understand yourself better. A good therapist will help you out with that! I wish you luck. Just give your friend some space in the mean time and I hope things can mend with you two soon!

[r0xychIc]

Thanks for your response. You have no eartly idea how many friends and other relationships I have I'm like a social butterfly (check my IG lol) always on the go so I have no problem with "having my own life". Being that I am a social butterfly is the reason I drew her out of her shell. I've let her know I'm happy for her and my brother. The fact is she doesn't know how to handle relationships as it was mentioned in another post somebody is the issue here, my brother even stated that fact.

I put myself in her shoes ALL THE TIME! I'm cool now tho. If she wants to focus on my brother and ignore me so be it, I'm not going to keep getting hurt over and over again. I know i am a kind, generous, loving person and I don't deserve to be treated the way she treats me. I can't list all the things I've done for her because it's too much to type. It also gets really tiring always having to be the one to carry the friendship which is the way it has been throughout our whole relationship. I'm always giving, doing, going, planning, contacting, and going out of my way for the girl but enough is enough. If I didn't keep our relationship up she would have never even met my brother or anything. But it's whatever. I'm ok

Originally Posted by where.ever.you.are.

Im going to give my honest opinion here:

I would suggest that you try not to take things too personally.

I understand that you might feel hurt by her being more distant. But try seeing things from her point of view instead of making the situation about yourself. Be happy for her that she made amends with her mother. Be happy for her that she has a healthy relationship with your brother. Those are all good things that you should want for your friend.

Everyone has their own lives to live, you know? Just because your friend doesnt give you her attention every second doesnt mean that she doesnt value your friendship. Friends are supposed to be there for each other when they need each other. You were there for her during her time of need and im sure she appreciated that but you cant expect her to revolve her life around you. She has other people in her life, not just you.

Try developing some hobbies and broadening your friendships. I think you may find it easier to understand other peoples behavior as a result. You seem like a good, caring person with good intentions- you just need to understand yourself better. A good therapist will help you out with that! I wish you luck. Just give your friend some space in the mean time and I hope things can mend with you two soon!