Relationship with Counselor

Hi,

I have been in and out of mental health treatment for the past few years. Recently, I was in a residential facility and became sort of close with one of the LPC's there. She was never my therapist; just someone who offered support and took care of things around the facility. I now live in a transitional living facility, and she has been promoted to work as the manager for this apartment. We have each other's cell phone numbers, and our relationship has quickly evolved from her supporting me entirely to it being a mutual friendship. She shares much of what is going on with her in her life with me, and vice versa. I love spending time with her and she says she loves spending time with me. I feel very safe and comfortable and loved with her, like she is my older sister. Again, I must stress that she has never actually been my therapist or played any large role in my treatment. The transition to friendship started off slowly, with her only texting me. But then it evolved to texts and calls, then to her giving me her address in case I need immediate support, and then to her allowing me to hang out with her at her house, and to spending the night at her house. The dilemma I am running into with this situation is that I am in treatment where she works. She will sometimes vent about other residents, and I always listen and offer my opinion (since she says she values it a lot because I live there and see/hear things she doesn't see on a daily basis). She hasn't violated an HIPAA laws, like she doesn't share information about other patients. I'm just concerned that the relationship is wrong and I feel incredibly guilty. I have talked to her about this and what would happen if she were to get caught, and she said that it would be completely on her and that that's okay. But I'm so confused because even today, when I was having a panic attack about her leaving (like not being a part of my life anymore because I've been trying to push her away lately because I'm almost afraid of how attached we're getting and I don't want either of us to be hurt, even though we constantly assure each other that we aren't leaving), she came in to talk to me and after we discussed that, it turns out I was really crying also about the difficulties of treatment in general and she pulled me off the floor and hugged me and held me and I felt so so safe and okay because she was just there for me. There is nothing I wouldn't tell her, and she is super open with me as well. We have this crazy connection and are very similar, we have a very very honest and open communication style, and she is essentially the reason I am still alive today. I genuinely feel like we met for a reason, and she agrees. But all of a sudden, within like the past few days, I have been freaking out about. Initially I was just worried that I was getting too attached to her, and then it kept escalating and escalating and now I'm extremely guilt ridden because she treats me differently than the other residents (although we don't allow them to see it) and she'll pick me up from the apartment on the days she isn't working and let me hang out with her and she'll talk to me until like 3 in the morning and she is always there for me, and I'm always there for her. I love that she's in my life, more than anything. But I'm so afraid that someone will find out, and she'll lose her job here and although I don't want that to happen, I almost feel like it should because we did cross boundaries and she is aware of it just as much as I am. I just don't know what to do. It's like this sudden fear and guilt hit me out of nowhere, after she became really angry with me about something unhealthy I was doing...but then admitted that she wasn't angry, but scared and hurt. And so I committed to not engaging in any destructive/unhealthy behaviors, and I have basically lost it since then. I have talked with my actual therapist about it (lying about how I know this person, but including details like the fact that she is an LPC, but never been my therapist) and I feel really guilty for lying to my real therapist, too. But my therapist said it sounds like I'm projecting everything I'm going through on to this relationship and that I need to let it go and let myself be cared for and invested in this reciprocal and amazing friendship. And my friends have said the same. I just don't want her to get in trouble and I feel guilty for being so secret about it. It wasn't an issue until just a few days ago. I don't know what to do. I almost wish we had met under different circumstances, but I know that if I had met her outside of a treatment center, I would have immediately jumped into the care-taking role and it would be unhealthy and one-sided, where as right now it's like a real, two-sided friendship (more like family) where we'd do anything for each other. I think I'm just way over analyzing and thinking ahead and catastrophizing but it is giving me so much anxiety that I have even missed class over it. I just do not want her to get caught or get in trouble, yet at the same time I feel guilty for allowing this to happen because I know it's wrong while I am living here. I cannot lose the relationship...even considering pushing her away practically kills me. And I love being with her whenever I can be. It's like I'm okay and safe and everything will work out. I have been refraining from dangerous/unhealthy behaviors because I know it hurts her...and that is a huge step for me. So I guess my question is...do I sit with the discomfort and unfamiliarity of having this amazing friend/sister (I've never allowed any close relationships before) and risk her losing her job (even though she said that if that did happen, she still wouldn't leave me) or do I push her away and tell her that I feel so guilty about this and that we can be friends once I move out? I really don't know what to do. I also worry about her not being in a good place sometimes so it's hard because we can often both be struggling at the same time, but we're both able to offer each other love and validation and support at the same time and really really love and appreciate each other and we're also able to be silly and not mental-health related, too. I have been writing about this over and over for days and seeking out the opinions of many others. She isn't nearly as worried about it as I am, which also kind of concerns me, because in the beginning she was much more hesitant. I feel like I manipulated her into the relationship somehow or that she is unhealthy...but I know she is, for the most part, in a really good place and doing well and has a great family and amazing friends and I'm not like her sole support. Basically I just don't know what to do. When I tell myself that I'm just going to let it work itself out, I feel calmer and at peace and okay, but then inevitably, I start ruminating and freaking myself out again.

I would love to hear opinions on this. I know it's a really weird and complex situation. Please keep in mind that she has never been my therapist or in any kind of therapist role. On the days she is working at the apartment where I live, it's more like we're coworkers than staff/patient. We support each other. My emotions with this are just all over the place right now, and I've been told that that's because I have dropped all my behaviors and am letting someone in for the first time, and I don't even know what I'm looking for in the first place. I genuinely want all these uncomfortable feelings to go away and for myself to feel okay with this friendship again, more than anything, and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this and share their experience and if the feelings of guilt and fear diminished over time as they let things play out. Honestly, I want to be told that this is okay and normal and that I'm not being manipulative and that neither is she (she always makes sure I'm not doing her job or any other staff's jobs) and that I'm just freaking myself out over nothing. But please be honest!

Thank you in advance for any advice and please let me know if I can clarify anything in order for this to make more sense!

i am going to guess that her superiors would frown on this relationship, if they became aware of it...

i hear what you are saying and i know it is very important to you, this close relationship so i am gonna try to go easy here...

i am troubled by the situation...i feel it potentially compromises your treatment and i think it is not equal and balanced...i especially do not like that there is no one except her, clinically speaking, that you can talk with about it to sort it out...

i do not want to imply i think she has any ulterior motivations where you are concerned, but i do think the situation makes you very vulnerable, and you clearly are recognizing that too, and are stressed out about it...her reassuring you is nice, but not enough...

i think your best course of action is find someplace, some clinician, someone objective and trained, to help you work through this so that if it is something primarily positive you can work toward resolving the trickier aspects and if it is too dicey for you, you can find a way to transition the relationship in a good for you way...

good luck