[Yismymindblank12]

I like this guys channel it's very enlightening and uplifting, but I do struggle with this being either too cold or tender.
See there is a lot of things that are what I do and don't do. I'm not too soft anymore since I was a teenager or when I really like someone. Most of the time if I don't like them, it's easier to show my aggressive side and being myself. It's easier to open up without fear of being judged.

I find this funny every girl I had a crush on tends to be a crushed desire, sometimes a lust, but the last two were real feelings and I got crushed bad, because I was an inconvenience. Rather it hurt me when my friend who found out I liked her when it was too late.

Never knew despite how blunt I was.

I was blunt because I wasn't scared for once, and she hurt me. Now I want to hide everything. I just want to push every female who gets close to me, because I am not worthy to show what I can do ever. Even if I am attracted to them I will shown no emotion and starve myself when I do see a girl I like or know or meet. It causes me so much anguish being so young and all you want to do is not be afraid of being aggressive, but I'm not overly nice, I'm not a push over. I'm hurt and I hate people.

I avoid people, especially girls they expect me to want them when I had no feelings or want for them. Yes it may hurt for them, but they won't tell me they never tell me they like me. So it's the reality of things, so I give them a taste of their own medicine they don't like it. So it doesn't break my heart.

I end up helping a lot of my female and male friends get dates. I know a way to a woman's and man's heart, and I know a lot about human sexuality and attraction, but I cannot do it myself, and help with my own knowledge to apply it, because I've been so hurt.

I've own up and deal with it, but when you have such a bad sore and no matter how much alcohol wipes and disinfectant and anti venom to clean that wound. It hurts just like the day you just got it.

See women, not all but the ones. I did show anything this is your result of damaging someone, trying to be overly picky or play off as your better than me or someone else or I'm not your preference.

Since I'm second to last to you. You'd pity me rather than love me for me. And the ones who do that, **** you. I hate you, and I hope everything good and bad comes out with your life. I can't change anything, but I love and hate you. You deserve the world of happiness you can share for yourself how you want, but I damn hate you for destroying anything in me.

It's my fault for choosing to feel how I feel, but I'm not weak.

Women took my virginity, my safety, my sanity, my heart, my daughter, my freedom of expression, and my hope to feeling that being a man will work out. I still choose to fight on, but rather. Every time I see someone I like or maybe interested in, I'll never talk to them or tell them I like them.

Yeah that's my problem, but I'm not scared. I don't have the patience to go through all your drama to get hurt in the end. It's never worth one minute to talk to you if you want me to get out of your life.


I posted this, because I need to have a female only insight not male, because I already know the advice I've been given. It's very impersonal and hurtful, because it's untrue and rather just a way to shut me up.

Rather, I will keep losing all my weight. If I end up looking terrible from being anorexic again from just liking someone. They'd just find out afterwards when I'm skin and bones.

The advice, I expect is, well you're trying to achieve perfection no one wants perfection, just be you, but what if you isn't good enough. So I got to find other people who are more like me, you don't get it do you..

I am the outcasts of outcasts. I walk alone on a cold winter day to have me myself and I time. Not me and anyone else time.

I don't like being around people, I get clausterphobic and I dread working at mcdonalds talking to people. I dissociate myself from this whole existence to get by, some days, I've tried to run away without telling anyone. I could do it again very soon again if I wanted to, but I just want to see what unfolds. My life was nothing but unfair and unusually cruel what I deal with and girls I meet only pity and misunderstand me.

See I can't get past the pain that I can't or should never expect to get over and go away. I lost two of the most important people I loved in my life, my daughter and my grandmother.

I cry all the time how badly I miss them, how if I saw them I would scream out of shock and overwhelming grief and joy.

That if I don't talk to you doesn't mean I don't like you. I am too much stuck in a world of grief that take too much time to worry about what you like what you do and deal with whether I should bother with you or not.

I'm not ever the nice guy. I don't want to be the nice guy.

I'm a rebel, no one can tell me how I should feel or be. No woman should tell me, I get this, because my mother tells me how much of a piece of **** I am when she is mad about anything that isn't about me.

You see my past relationships I was too nice and I lost more than I could repair. So any advice that I need don't tell me the obvious. I'm aware I need healing. I am at a lack of connecting and friends by me.

[healingme4me]

My advice wasn't going to be just be you. Was more along the lines of sometimes when we stop looking, turn all our attention to ourselves, nixing that daydream of how wonderful life would be if only someone was there to share it. Then perhaps it may just fall into place.

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[Yismymindblank12]

I've been busy with work and me myself and I. And that's all I need to do. I know what to do and I am doing well with it, but I feel so exhausted from the pain I go through. Idk if someone wants to bother me. See never had one girl want to be interested in me how others had it for them.

I could go on for year 3 maybe 4 to 10. Nothing will happen. The advice doesn't work. I've worked on myself. I am too tired to care and rather too hurt to receive anything. I can receive it but ill hide my feelings just because I don't know or don't want to exhaust them or hate me.

No one came to me for me. They want something.

[healingme4me]

Actually makes sense, in many ways. :\ All gender aside.

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[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Actually makes sense, in many ways. :\ All gender aside.

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It hurts when someone likes me. I'm beyond damaged it's a curse and badge I try to hide. My ex gfs either beat me and cheated on me, killed themselves and when revived blamed it on me.

One girl I loved was one sides all the time l, she abused me aborted our daughter after convincing herself we should have a child when I was 18.

I cry all the time of how bad I miss my child feeling she was taken from me. How I feared the pain she would endure from her mothers abuse done unto her what I would experience it being left out of the situation as a no good father when she would probably hurt her. I'd never let no one do that to my girl. Not even her mother, I cry so hard because no girl understands. I'm too exhausted to try I'm to exhausted to love or receive or give but u do it anyways.

I starved myself struggling with anorexia again because I can't handle the stress of eating and the shame I feel.

I can't begin how I would rather die than be in someone's arms again. My mother never felt like she loved me in the way she preaches. She is so concerned about herself and her who if she hurts everyone around her to make her feel secure of herself she will do that. My grandmother who died of Alzheimer's I watched happened when I was 12 she was very close with me.

People who know me well don't know how much I would prefer jumping off the bridges or in front of traffic because the agony of continuing seeing the damage I didn't mean to cause happened when ik it wasn't my fault but it feels like it.

I needed a life best friend not a lover, not a hookup, not a gf ir date. Not a friend or acquaintance.

Someone who I see all the time a separate entity that makes me feel alive and proud. Someone who loves me for me. But I've never known what that really is.. Being truthful.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you get involved with girls that have the same selfish problems your mother has. I am wondering if your mother is a Narcissist?

Also, you are only 21, that is still very young and so is that age group of girls. Don't form all your emotional decisions and rationalities right now, you are definitely going to grow up a lot the next 4 years. The executive decision making part of your brain isn't fully formed yet, that doesn't happen until around age 25. So, don't beat yourself up if your making not so good choices about girls right now, most struggle with making the right choices at this age, both male and female.