[Cacao]

Apologies for the long post.

I have a toxic family member (A) who currently resides in Asia. In my culture, authority is truth (although I have a Western mindset from being here since little) and A is considerably older than me therefore it is expected of me to always listen to her advice, regardless if I agree with it or not.

A is extremely hot-tempered, and when I stayed with her for a few months in Asia I became increasingly depressed. When A is angry, she will not only scream but also say emotionally hurtful words that have lowered my self-esteem considerably - to the extent that by the end of my stay I found myself often having suicidal thoughts. A herself has stated she would say words that are ‘sharp’ in order for me to remember it. It felt like me against the world, because often her friends would support her if she decided to divulge the details of our disagreements.

I am now back in the West, and I keep in contact with A because it is filial. But I would always feel anxious and stressed whenever she calls because I am just waiting for her to scream at me for something. The last time we had a disagreement was only a few weeks ago, where she screamed at me for crying - saying that my tears were fake and merely a form of manipulation. Saying all of that, all she wants for me to have is a bright future. My parents have had a rocky life so I completely understand that she wants the best for me.

I am currently studying a postgraduate degree and have met a lovely person who is nothing but nice to me. He is not Asian. A wants me to move back to Asia after my degree, so that I can earn more money which is good for my entire family. Here are my problems:
- I don’t think I can live with A because my last experience was dreadful

- I do want to provide a good living for my family - but I am reluctant to work in Asia as I feel more comfortable with the society here, and I do not want to leave my boyfriend who is nothing but caring and supportive

So I am in the dilemma of choosing between a moderate living with my boyfriend in a place I feel happy and comfortable - or to hopefully gain a greater amount of money which I can provide for my parents and myself, but live in a place that causes me stress and misery with a person who makes me want to harm myself.

I hope this all makes sense, I’ve tried to condense it and make sense of it but these pent up feelings have been held back for a while and the closer it gets to the end of my degree the more stressed I feel about my future.

Many thanks

[Little Lulu]

Trying to decide between what we want and our family/cultural expectations is a age-old but very real dilemma. At first blush it sounds so simple - do what is right for you and let the family expectations go and that may ultimately be the right decision. If you decide to do this, though, you will have to deal with feelings such as guilt and that is the hard part. In time, you will probably come to terms with it.

If you decide to move back to Asia there will be feelings to deal with, also. The rub I see with this decision is that the feelings of resentment, regret, etc. may be deeper and more permanent.

Best wishes in finding your way. Ask for support in this when you need it.

[Cris80pitt]

Originally Posted by Cacao

Apologies for the long post.

I have a toxic family member (A) who currently resides in Asia. In my culture, authority is truth (although I have a Western mindset from being here since little) and A is considerably older than me therefore it is expected of me to always listen to her advice, regardless if I agree with it or not.

A is extremely hot-tempered, and when I stayed with her for a few months in Asia I became increasingly depressed. When A is angry, she will not only scream but also say emotionally hurtful words that have lowered my self-esteem considerably - to the extent that by the end of my stay I found myself often having suicidal thoughts. A herself has stated she would say words that are ‘sharp’ in order for me to remember it. It felt like me against the world, because often her friends would support her if she decided to divulge the details of our disagreements.

I am now back in the West, and I keep in contact with A because it is filial. But I would always feel anxious and stressed whenever she calls because I am just waiting for her to scream at me for something. The last time we had a disagreement was only a few weeks ago, where she screamed at me for crying - saying that my tears were fake and merely a form of manipulation. Saying all of that, all she wants for me to have is a bright future. My parents have had a rocky life so I completely understand that she wants the best for me.

I am currently studying a postgraduate degree and have met a lovely person who is nothing but nice to me. He is not Asian. A wants me to move back to Asia after my degree, so that I can earn more money which is good for my entire family. Here are my problems:
- I don’t think I can live with A because my last experience was dreadful

- I do want to provide a good living for my family - but I am reluctant to work in Asia as I feel more comfortable with the society here, and I do not want to leave my boyfriend who is nothing but caring and supportive

So I am in the dilemma of choosing between a moderate living with my boyfriend in a place I feel happy and comfortable - or to hopefully gain a greater amount of money which I can provide for my parents and myself, but live in a place that causes me stress and misery with a person who makes me want to harm myself.

I hope this all makes sense, I’ve tried to condense it and make sense of it but these pent up feelings have been held back for a while and the closer it gets to the end of my degree the more stressed I feel about my future.

Many thanks

We have only one life. Live it your way and fight for your happiness.

[indigoChild337]

@Cacao,

My heart goes out to you. It truly does. I have been in a painfully similar scenario myself. Three years ago a close family member fell victim to end-stage kidney failure at the age of 24. His mother came to me with pleading tears begging me to care for him as she couldn't. So, we moved him into our home and suffered immensely over the course of the following two years. He was abusive, hostile, and suicidal. Having my child in that environment made it all the more stressful. This person and I had been in contention before he ever fell ill as I felt he was rude, explosive, and entitled. He has a history of ill-managed rage and the criminal history to prove it. He manipulates his own family members to the point of heart-break, and assumes I am psycho for standing up for myself. Ultimately, this toll took my mental health as well as my relationship which came to an abrupt end as a result.

That said, I will never encourage you to choose to support someone else at your own expense. There is absolutely no shame in enjoying the reward of a loving home and the well-paying job you have clearly earned. To move back home and hand it all over seems a gross injustice. I understand the desire to help and support your family, but the truth of the matter remains. This is YOUR life, and you are worthy of love and wellness, even if it means severance from your family. I moved clear across the country for a similar reason. While I miss them from time to time, I never think twice about returning myself to a compromised situation where I am abused, unappreciated, and expected to provide income. Please do not feel one ounce of guilt about the life you have built for yourself. Instead, enjoy every single minute of it. Best wishes.

[toolman65]

Forgive my ignorance at your culture, but if you move back to Asia, MUST you stay with A? Can you not live with other people? or is that taboo?

Consider that while you may make more money , you will also spend money on therapy and medication to cope with stress of working / living somewhere you don't want to be. Eventually your health will suffer and you will grow resentful of your boyfriend.

Living your life in order to please others is a recipe for disaster. Having suicidal thoughts was a sign that you had lost hope of things getting better. Now you are considering going back to that place? I think your personal values are in conflict with what is expected of you.

For myself, i find guilt, fear, shame and obligation to be poor motivators.

Stay put.

[Trippin2.0]

Nowhere in your list of options is going back to Asia an actual option FOR you, you stated you could and what it would entail, but not one ounce of desire to do so.


That right there my friend, speaks volumes. Going to live in Asia is not an option for you.


Stay right where you are, decisions based on the wants of others, never fare well.


Others won't live with the consequences of your decisions, only you will. In this particular case, you and your bf will live with those consequences...

Not your family.


I know how important it is to want to contribute financially, if I were in your shoes, I would live my life in the west, and send a portion of my money east.


Beauty of international money transfers