[chestnutmare]

I’ve loved two addicts in my life…..

My father- I hate to define him as an addict but the addiction consumed so much of his personality and interactions with me that the impact cannot go unnoticed. He left the family home when I was around 3 or 4 years old, after having an affair. I won’t go into that now. He was an alcoholic and I know he dabbled in various drug deals, pharmaceutical robberies and had a long history of substance abuse. He died when I was 14 years old from cirrhosis of the liver (from heavy alcohol consumption). I don’t think to this day I have fully processed the impact his death has had on me. And not just the event of his death, I mean the sour, bitter memories I have of him when I was growing up. The illusive father figure, he was always in the distance somewhere. The amount that I would see him would vary hugely, from every couple of months to much longer without seeing him. I have very painful memories of being a child and waiting at the front door for my Dad to come collect me and he would never turn up, or call last minute to say he had a change of plan. It’s only now I’m older that I now realize that many of the times I had been with him and wondered why he had so many mobile phones or was always getting phone calls but ignoring them, was most likely because he was drug dealing. That and the huge amount of cash on him, although these bursts of having a lot of cash in hand ended as fast as they came. Still, I was naive and desperate for my father’s affection so I let him shower me in gifts and felt at the time that I had the best Dad in the whole wide world.

His death was incredibly sudden, 2.00am on the 26th January 2005. I’ve heard that he went fast, his body shut down on him but the alcohol was the cause. I was also told that some of his final words were for me to be told how sorry he was. I think I’ve finally forgiven him now. I’ve come to learn a lot about how the minds of addicts work and how it’s a long descent down with many broken hearts along the way.

Unfortunately, one addict to love was not enough for me! (Sigmund Freud would love me for my story) Somewhere between the age of about 14 (shortly after my Dad’s death) and 18, somewhere in confusing hazy mess of my adolescence I fell in love with my now ex-boyfriend. I was blinded by infatuation and naive love, I was attracted to his “bad boy” reputation (I laugh at myself saying that now because he is very much as interesting as a slice of wholemeal bread to me now), his fast driving, heavy drinking, drugs, smoking, house parties and more… It was a roller-coaster of emotions over those years where I was so desperate to be with him but he continued to reject me over and over again although in between the rejections he would show me a hint of affection which was enough to keep me wanting more. He let me down numerous amounts of times, hurt me deeply when I opened my heart to him. But I could only see good in him, I could only see that deep down within his troubled self there was a boy capable of loving me. When I turned 18 he finally confessed his feelings for me and we were officially together. We stayed together for five years and lived together the last 1 and a half years. I am still left with many unresolved issues from this relationship, I can say with some discomfort now that this was an emotionally abusive relationship and borderline physical abuse. I know for sure that if I had not broken it off when I did, the warning signs for physical abuse would have become blatant bruises on my face. He was also an alcoholic, drinking 10 pints a day towards the end of our relationship. He was a heavy cannabis smoker and abused multiple substances like cocaine, amphetamines etc. We were together for 5 years and he was sober maybe 5% of our relationship. That terrifies me. I threw away my late teens and early 20’s on that boy. Wasted countless opportunities. Defended his drinking & drug taking constantly. Put up with his abusive behavior and lied to myself about how much he loved me. He would become incredibly angry if I suggested he had an addiction issue. In fact at the time I was struggling with an addiction with self-harm & cutting, he would shout at me so much and tell me I was seriously messed up for self-harming again and again. Really he was simply projecting his own repressed guilt about being addicted to alcohol. I really honestly did love him so deeply, but I know now that he was not physically capable of loving me back.

Why do women fall into patterns of abusive relationships? You can hardly say it is a coincidence that I was your classic heartbroken, abandoned child trying to keep an addict as a father. Only to lose him and replace him with the next person who comes along that fits the same type as my Dad. I hate myself for it but I am one of those women who is so vulnerable to falling into a “he hits me but I love him” trap, I only know what it’s like to be rejected, let down, hurt and live with broken promises. I only know what it’s like to give, give, give & never receive anything back from a loved one, and some damaged part of me is entirely OK with that.

So I want to summarize my thoughts on loving an addict, how it comes around and what it feels like. I want any woman who thinks they may love an addict to stop telling themselves there may be blue skies ahead for their relationship, perhaps you might prove me wrong, but life is too short to be in a relationship where you get nothing back. An addict is incapable of giving back. Get out and learn about those parts of you that deserve to be loved and cherished.

Falling in love with an addict is fast, adrenaline-fueled, dangerously exciting and gives you this feeling of being heroic or “saint-like” which you thrive from. You tell yourself “I can save them” “They’ll stop doing drugs because they love me and I love them” “I’m what they need to help them change”
You will have short lived moments of your common sense telling you that something is not quite right about this person’s behavior or drug/substance taking. But you will brush these aside, I did the same.
The addict will tell you they will quit for you, that all they need is you and drugs or alcohol don’t play a part in their lives anymore. Your heroic attempts are validated. They might actually quit and do what they previously said. And things may be perfect for a while.
The addict is so consumed and defined by their addiction that they are almost incapable of keeping this promise unless they seek professional help for their addiction.
Addicts are incredibly good at deceiving and lying to loved ones, and any guilt they feel over this is dealt with by using more of the substance to cope with this negative feeling.
The addict may completely deny any problem with alcohol or drugs. They may turn it against you time and time again so that you are feeling guilty for ever considering they may be an addict. I can remember so many times where I confronted my boyfriend about his problem, only 10 minutes later to find I was crying and apologizing for thinking he had an issue. Then apologizing for even questioning what he does. They are professional, experienced actors at putting on a facade and making you think there is no problem.
They will use any excuse to use the substance- “It’s Wednesday, half way to the weekend so I’m getting smashed” “I did the washing up today, so I’m having a beer to reward myself” “It’s Monday and the start of a new week, I’m going to the pub “. It goes on… And you are just plain boring and non-sympathetic for not understanding these reasons for rewards! (You’re not, they just want to make you feel you have a problem and not them).
The cycle of being let down time and time again WILL continue whilst they are still using. I can guarantee you that. They will never, ever be able to show you the love you want to feel. You are not the most important thing in their life. They do not revolve their life around you. You come second, after the alcohol or the drugs. It’s tough, but it’s the honest truth. I’m still dealing with this pain although I’m way over the worst. I know how it feels to want to punch the person who tells you that your loved one is an alcoholic or a drug addict and you’re better off without them. I promise you, you are so much better off without them.
You will never, ever, ever be able to save them. No matter how hard you try. They cannot do it for you. They have to change for themselves when they want to. We can only be there for them when it doesn’t involve us becoming emotionally hurt. This person is on a life journey of their own, they will follow the cycle of addiction and in their own time realize that they want to change and that has to be for themselves. The most important thing is that you look after you, because you are what matters the most. You have to make sure you are in your best shape for when you meet a lover that is capable of giving love back and showing you that you deserve to be loved.
This post was a lot longer than I intended, and thank you if you read this far!

Love & Peace xxx

[kaliope]

hi chestnutmare
it sounds like you have it figured out. i had an abusive father so i turned to abusive men hoping i could change them and get the love i never got. same situation. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[sideblinded]

We often seek out relationships that remind us of what we are used to. That is sad, I know. I think that you will make better choices as you sound like you have knowledge of your behavior. I hope that things look up for you.

Welcome to PC.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central chestnutmare!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It may take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being moderated.

I think you've described every abuser and done so quite articulately. I can put all of mine in there and they fit very neatly, even though they weren't addicts. You would think we'd go for the exact opposite of our original abuser but sadly this is not the case. I'm sorry for your suffering and pain. I know from experience it runs quite deep.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[CANDC]

Thank you chestnutmare for sharing your story and insights. It makes me feel more accepting of my own mistakes. I guess we all make them.

I think Kali is right, when abused as children we seek the same kind of abusive relationships.

The only thing we do disagree on is the attractive value of whole meal bread. I have a fondness for it, but that doesn't mean much in the long run.