Lately I've been depressed for a long time, more so than usual since my bff has been doing the slow fade on me for no apparent reason. To make a long story short, we met about three years ago. When I first met her, she was a great friend! We'd hang out every week, and laugh, go out, and have fun! Then her life gradually got worse and worse. She lost her job, then her husband cheated on her twice.

She's stuck with him due to personal and financial reasons. After that, she couldn't find a job up until recently. During the last year, she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure. Then her dad died, back in May of last year, then her other best friends mother, who was like a second mother to her died a few weeks later. Then she started getting very frequent panic attacks and she kept on having to go to the E.R.

So I was there for her during that time of course. I understood that she couldn't go out. I tried to help cheer her up and even offered to pay for an inexpensive movie, frozen yogurt, or suggest going to really cheap places with specials, or even just joining her for a walk with her dog! She would usually make up excuses to why she couldn't hang out with me. She'd usually tell me that her period is coming up. So I felt like it was a lie to get out of doing stuff with me.

She told me that she hasn't seen her other friends for a long time either, but I don't believe her as one time on FB, I saw that after she got her inheritance from her dad, she treated her other best friend that she's known for 20 years out to a burger place for her B-day with their other friend. And all she ever did was send me a text for my B-day! I never even got a call!! I don't expect her to take me out like she used to due to her finances, but she'd complain about money to me, but she can take her other friend out? WTH? That was back in October. Also, she'd invite those two friends over sometimes for steak while she was unemployed and complaining about money!

Anyways, I finally had it with her distant behavior so I left two v.m messages on her v.m telling her that I'm happy to hear that she got the job, but that I was hurt that she blew me off in her last email when I asked her if she'd like to hang out. She only told me that she got a new job. I

I was mad and I wrote her a long email about how I felt about her ignoring me and that I felt like she was making excuse to not hang out, and that if she didn't want to, then she should just tell me that. She seemed a lot better during the past few months, and her health got better too, so I thought that she'd want to see me then. She kept on making it seem like that was going to happen, but then she'd make excuses or ignore me when the time came to get together. It's been over three months since I last saw her in person! She ignored me unless I'd email or call her first, ugh!

I also pointed out some of the things that I didn't agree with about her, like how she went after a couple of married men, and that I didn't like her interrupting me all the time, not initiating plans with me anymore, and ignoring all of my calls, and basically not being a good friend. I know that I went a little to far, but I was NOT mean in my email! I was trying to help her understand how I felt, and that some of the things that she does is wrong.

So, does it sound like she was doing the slow fade with me? She did mention that she'd do that if she didn't want to be friends with anyone anymore, but like a hypocrite, she told me that if she had an issue with me, she'd talk to me about things. Yeah, right! I have always been a good friend to her, so this hurts me badly! I feel as if I was a piece of trash that's been used and discarded. I think that she is jealous of me, and I told her that in my email too.

She needs to have a guy in her life and be in love to be happy. She wants her own place (she's currently living with her crazy mom, and her husband is couch surfing with friends since they got evicted from their apartment), and to be taken care of. I have a husband and a house, and I get to travel, and I have my health, at least my physical health, so I do think that she's resentful of me. She stopped complimenting me a long time ago on everything, so that's a red flag to me. I also just told her that my husband and I will be going to Europe soon, so I bet that didn't sit well with her even though she said in her email to have fun on our trip.

Did I do anything wrong? Should I have not written that email? I was hurt, so I wasn't thinking straight. The only thing that I can think of to why she maybe doesn't want to be friends anymore aside from the jealousy, is that I've talked about her on here and on another board before. It's not likely that she came across what I wrote, but if she did by some chance, then she'd know it was me since I included to many details in my threads, ugh!

Other than that, why would she turn against me for no apparent reason? I'm really hurt by her behavior and I don't get why she'd do this to me after I've been so good to her all this time! I would always take her calls, and I even bought over an apple pie, ice cream, and some of my delicious cheesy potatoes to her when her b.f who is now her husband ditched her on Thanksgiving. WTH?

She did claim that I was a bit too needy in the past. She'd also say that I relied to much on other people and that she didn't want to hear me talk about some of my problems anymore if I'm not going to do anything to fix them. In the meantime, she'd always go on and on about her issues! I don't think that I was being needy as it's not as if I called, texted, or emailed her all the time. We only had one fight before, and that's basically when she bugged me to death to buy some stuff from her. She wouldn't take no for an answer. She didn't talk to me for two months until I apologized to her twice about being a bit harsh with her since I was so annoyed by her relentlessness.

I told her that I didn't appreciate her dismissive attitude once when I got hacked on my FB page after wishing her a Happy New Years. She then accused me of caring more about my social life and that I'm lucky that I don't have any health problems. She was acting like her problems were a lot worse than mine. It is, but that doesn't mean that my problems shouldn't matter. I think that she's selfish and that she doesn't like the fact that I'm standing up for myself and being more assertive now.

What do you guys think of all this? Is our friendship over for good? I'm not going to contact her again unless she contacts me. One thing is for sure, I will no longer trust her like I used to. It's been almost a year since her dad died, but could she still be depressed and in need of space?

[chimera17]

Wow, what a complicated friendship!

To answer your question about her dad dying - yes, she could still be depressed. My dad passed away 4 years ago, and there are some triggers that make it feel like yesterday. One co-worker in particular that I had a falling out with during the period of my father's death is still a big emotional trigger.

It might be that you remind her of the bad times As awful as that is, sometimes the people that are there in our worst times end up representing those worst times. She very well might be jealous of you, and your email may have been very hurtful.

I've sent emails like that too, and then regretted it later.

While it is possible that you might patch things up and be closer than ever, it is probably best to just give it some time and distance, and pursue other friendships in the meanwhile. Hang in there!

[Bill3]

Did I do anything wrong? Should I have not written that email? I was hurt, so I wasn't thinking straight.

When not thinking straight it is often best to avoid sending emails.

Originally Posted by chimera17

Wow, what a complicated friendship!

To answer your question about her dad dying - yes, she could still be depressed. My dad passed away 4 years ago, and there are some triggers that make it feel like yesterday. One co-worker in particular that I had a falling out with during the period of my father's death is still a big emotional trigger.

It might be that you remind her of the bad times As awful as that is, sometimes the people that are there in our worst times end up representing those worst times. She very well might be jealous of you, and your email may have been very hurtful.

I've sent emails like that too, and then regretted it later.

While it is possible that you might patch things up and be closer than ever, it is probably best to just give it some time and distance, and pursue other friendships in the meanwhile. Hang in there!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, sorry to hear about your dad- I'm not sure if she is being more distant towards me now because I'm a reminder of her past or not. I have no idea if she talks to her other friends still or not since I never met them. And I'm not on FB anymore.

I read on here that when other people are jealous of you, they go out of their way to avoid seeing you as it's often a painful reminder of how bad their life is in comparison. Frankly, that is silly and childish IMHO. I can't understand why anyone would act that way towards a friend and not be happy for them.

My email was NOT meant to be hurtful. I was letting her know how much she hurt ME. I wasn't really mean about anything, just honest. It's become very obvious for awhile that she is trying to ignore me and it does sound like she's doing the slow fade. Or she only wanted to keep me around to have someone to talk to about her problems, idk. I've encountered selfish people like that before to where they only want to talk about themselves all the time and they have no interest in being a real friend.

I will focus on other people for now. If she is going to discard me that easily, as if I were nothing more than a piece of trash, then good riddance. I don't want or need people like that in my life.

[CosmicRose]

I think friendships (and relationships in general, but maybe more-so friendships in particular) change and evolve and shift over time. I think that's natural of the relationship. You might be really close with someone, and then over time separate for whatever reason whether its family obligations, moving away, busy with a job, etc. This is even more true when you get older and older.

Depending on your age, the truth is, friendships don't necessarily hold much water as they did when you were younger. Like "besties" just don't really happen after a certain point. This is an observation I've made throughout my life. My parents didn't have best friends or even close friends, but they would still have get-togethers or dinner parties or the occasional lunch with a friend. Their friends usually consisted of their coworkers, in which case they were more like acquaintance/political workplace friends as opposed to best friends.

So my point is that friendships are cyclic in nature and they tend to change with time. You should only focus on those who you enjoy hanging out with, and once it turns into drama, let it go, it's not worth it.

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I think friendships (and relationships in general, but maybe more-so friendships in particular) change and evolve and shift over time. I think that's natural of the relationship. You might be really close with someone, and then over time separate for whatever reason whether its family obligations, moving away, busy with a job, etc. This is even more true when you get older and older.

Depending on your age, the truth is, friendships don't necessarily hold much water as they did when you were younger. Like "besties" just don't really happen after a certain point. This is an observation I've made throughout my life. My parents didn't have best friends or even close friends, but they would still have get-togethers or dinner parties or the occasional lunch with a friend. Their friends usually consisted of their coworkers, in which case they were more like acquaintance/political workplace friends as opposed to best friends.

So my point is that friendships are cyclic in nature and they tend to change with time. You should only focus on those who you enjoy hanging out with, and once it turns into drama, let it go, it's not worth it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get that, but to just dump someone just like that for no particular reason is cruel. I feel that I should've gotten some closure, or that if she cared enough about me, that she'd talk things over with me.

I don't get why I tend to attract selfish user types who mostly talk about themselves and their problems most of the time. They seem O.K at first, but over time, they turn out to mostly be narcissistic people who seem to like playing mind games. Ugh! WTH? I'm a nice person, so why do I constantly attract these selfish people who treat me like I'm nothing once they no longer need me to listen to their problems or keep them company?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get that, but to just dump someone just like that for no particular reason is cruel. I feel that I should've gotten some closure, or that if she cared enough about me, that she'd talk things over with me.

I don't get why I tend to attract selfish user types who mostly talk about themselves and their problems most of the time. They seem O.K at first, but over time, they turn out to mostly be narcissistic people who seem to like playing mind games. Ugh! WTH? I'm a nice person, so why do I constantly attract these selfish people who treat me like I'm nothing once they no longer need me to listen to their problems or keep them company?

Since you say losing friendships is a pattern for you-- and you've posted about it several times on this board-- then maybe you could look at what you're doing to contribute to this problem. You've said a lot of really negative things about this friend of yours, as well as other friends you've mentioned-- you've listed their faults and called them selfish, narcisstic, users, etc. Your tone also comes across as pretty negative and angry. Perhaps you come across that way in person also? Certainly, the letter you describe that you sent your friend listed her faults and your complaints about her. Maybe this pushed her away. People tend to want friends who build them up and make them feel good about themselves, rather than friends who tear them down. Sure, sometimes we need to tell people they've hurt our feelings, but that can be done face-to-face in a caring way-- talking about YOUR feelings and how they got hurt precisely because you value the friendship so much, rather than talking about what a horrible person they are or how awful their actions were.

As others have pointed out, friendships also change over time. People drift apart. People meet new friends and lose touch with the old ones. She may have drifted apart from you initially not because anything "happened" but just because time passed, she got closer to others, and was no longer as invested in the friendship. People don't usually call someone up and say: "Hey, I have other friends I'm closer to now. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to start calling you less often. We have less in common now than we used to." It's just something that happens naturally. By the time the other person realizes this is going on, is reaching out, and not hearing back-- the drifting probably happened awhile back. The more you push someone by contacting them, not hearing back, contacting again, not hearing back, etc-- the more they are likely to avoid you and avoid dealing with the situation. I'm not saying that is the "right" way to respond-- just that it happens all the time. People don't really want to have a confrontation if they don't have to, so they do the "slow fade" and hope the other person gets the hint. Maybe she owes you a call to say "Hey, I'm not really invested in the friendship anymore. I'm probably not going to be returning future calls"-- but, honestly, most people don't make that call. They don't do it because they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Granted, by not making the call, they probably hurt the other person's feelings just as much. This doesn't make them a bad person, though. It doesn't really make them narcissistic or selfish or a user. It makes them someone who has drifted from an old friend and is no longer interested in the relationship. At some point, we are all that person. Just because they don't want to be friends anymore doesn't mean they were using you during the whole friendship. It means that, at some pointed, they drifted or no longer enjoyed the friendship. Now, they want out-- and are hoping the "slow fade" will work. It's just something that happens. The healthiest thing to do is to just let the friendship go and move on. Find people you have more in common with who are also looking for friends. If you find that you are struggling to make friends, maybe talk it over with a therapist. Maybe you are carrying around some negativity that is making you less attractive to others as a friend.

Thanks for being honest with me. That takes a lot of guts to be that honest, but in a nice way. I am a bit upset and hurt at how I've been treated by other people in the past, so I guess that I do tend to assume the worst in other people at times.

I try not to do that though. I don't get why some people would continue to initiate contact and calls and then agree to get together, and then cancel plans consistently if they no longer have an interest in being friends with that person. To me, that's mean and rude. I'd rather just have people flat out tell me that things aren't working out or not contact me at all. Confusing people and giving them mixed messages is just well, confusing. Not everyone is good at taking hints. What you said did make sense.

Honestly though, I don't think that I make unreasonable demands of other people's time. If someone told me to not call them at a certain time, or if they're to busy to talk right now, I wouldn't get upset at them for that. I have given all of my friends space when they asked for space, or for whenever they were going through a hard time. Likewise, I treated them with respect and I was always honest with them, so I expected the same in return. If they didn't want to hang out with me at times, then they should have said so instead of making silly excuses at times. I'd rather be ignored than lied to.

I was always there for them too. So to expect them to be there for me too at least half the time isn't to much to ask for, right? Friendships should be a two way street, and not so one sided. I guess that maybe I've just been trying to hard or maybe I'm just making friends who don't have the time to be a good friend, or who know how to be in a balanced friendship, and not a one sided one. Idk.

Anyways, I have some good news now. I met a new lady from a meetup group and we have a few things in common. I won't make the same mistakes again with her. I hope that she can be the right kind of friend for me and that I won't always be the one doing all of the calling and the emailing. I waited for her to text me back last time although it took her 3 days to respond to me. I thought that she was blowing me off at first which upset me as I got no answer. Then I found out that she was sick and we did end up hanging out with each other.

So I'm really trying not to take things to personally and to wait for other people to get back to me when they can and not expect as much of people anymore. I guess that I need to lower my expectations. Idk. Should I do that? Whatever happens, I'll just try my best to be as nice as possible, but direct when someone does end up hurting my feelings. I guess that I was a bit harsh with my former friend and that I ended up upsetting her to much this time. I wasn't trying to be mean about the things that I said, but I guess that they came across that way to some people.

I did feel as if she was doing the slow fade with me for awhile. It's hard to say for sure since she was going through a rough period for awhile. I guess that we weren't' meant to be friends forever as I'm more direct and upfront than she was most of the time, and she's the type who'd rather hint at things or just flat out avoid situations that made her uncomfortable most of the time, so we weren't the best friend match in that regards.