[mcbird]

Hi all,

I'm a 32 year old male and am doing pretty well in life - except in relationships. Finding a girl to date isn't usually a problem, but convincing myself to stay with a girl and be vulnerable and emotionally intimate is a challenge.

Here is my cycle. I see/meet a girl that I think is cute. We start dating. I'm really good at pursuing her and then about a month in (at some point when I know she is into me) something just clicks and all of a sudden I don't think she is attractive anymore. I lose interest with my heart and can't even really visualize myself kissing her. Obviously I start to check out, even though I don't really want to. Girls realize this and then they become insecure and want more assurance that I'm actually committed to a relationship. My anxiety levels build and then, boom, I call the whole thing off. During this whole process I don't do anything that I know will or could hurt someone. Even during the initial excitement phase I am never physically intimate beyond making out.

Something that is always hard for me, is that I only date top notch women - at least intelligence and character wise. And they are fun to be with when I'm not stressed.

I'm currently in this cycle and last night the girl I've been dating for 8 weeks and I had a serious heart to heart which left us both really confused.

So the question that I'm always trying to solve is this: 1.) Am I'm just a commitmentphob and need to find a way to move beyond. 2.) or Do I just keep dating girls that I'm actually not attracted to in reality, I just trick myself into thinking they are cute at the start because I really just like 'the pursuit' and once I have a girl I realize I don't actually want to be with them. 3.) or perhaps I'm just trying to hard cerebrally and just need to accept that my heart isn't in it and move on.

For the record I'm a charismatic personality, great listening ENFP who holds a graduate degree. <--- if any of that helps you analyze me. Or if anyone else can relate to any of my dating chaos.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts!

Well, the fact that you stated that you only date top notch women, and it could be that over time you are finding that these girls just arent the caliber you are looking for. You should not feel the need to settle for someone that isn't what you want just because you are lonely or something. But at the same time, it could very well be that the pursuit is fun. Hell Ill agree that its fun, but at the same time i would limit y pursuits to women i could actually see myself being with.

[Rose76]

Yes, I do think you are a commitmentphob. But that is your right. However, it is good to stop and think about where this pattern is taking you.

As you get older, fewer of the "top notch" women will gravitate toward you. Women tend to like men who are somewhat older than themselves, but not a whole lot older. (Of course, there are exceptions, but the field does get narrower.) By staying single on into your 30s, you're not racking up a lot of the normal experiences that most people have by the time they are your age. (Marriage/partnership, child rearing.) As you go further into your 30s, that will tend to make you more and more of an odd duck. You'll have less and less in common with your age peers.

I remember that, when I was in my 20s, I found guys over 30 who were divorced seemed to me to be more "normal" than guys over 30 who had remained single. I tended to suspect that a guy in that latter category was a bit too close to either his mother, his guy pals, his wallet, or his mirror.

[CosmicRose]

You said a month into it, you start to emotionally check out. But how long are you actually casually dating them? Hopefully you aren't jumping into relationships 1 month in, because that will tend to lead to relationship burnout or losing interest. You should go on fun, casual, light dates for like 3 months before actually being in a relationship.
That way you can gauge if the person's personality really jives with yours.
So take more time to get to know them. And definitely keep the physical aspect down to a minimum. I know lots of guys who lose interest immediately if it gets physical too fast. You might be one of them.

Let the girl know you want to take it slow and not jump into anything. That way you won't lead her on, and she won't freak out when you stop texting or calling as frequently. Have open communication and let the other person know where you stand and how you're feeling.

You could be a commitment phobe, or maybe you just haven't found someone you really like yet. I guess only you can answer that question.