[MikeNessMonster]

Hi all,
I need a bit of advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, and I have lived with him for most of that time. In the beginning of our relationship, I had many male friends from college, and I hung out with them without my boyfriend on occasion and there were no issues. My boyfriend was very trusting and accepted that I had a wide variety of friends. However, within the last few months, my boyfriend has harbored a resentment against one of my male friends whom he has never met and I have only hung out with once during our relationship. It all started when my boyfriend tried to friend him on facebook, and my friend never accepted his request... I dont speak to this friend much anymore, and it seemed very odd for me to ask him why he didnt accept my boyfriends friend request because it seemed trivial to me. My boyfriend began becoming suspicious of my friend, accusing me of seeing him secretly when he has absolutely no proof that I have. I have never been unfaithful to my boyfriend nor given him a reason to be jealous or suspicious. Since then, my boyfriend has begun making off hand comments about all sorts of people, even a lesbian in my class. Once, he left me alone with one of his friends and later accused me of letting his friend dance with me or touch me, which did not happen at all!

My boyfriend is about to leave on a long business trip, and I know he is worried about leaving me alone. He continues to make off hand comments about me "going to the club withoit him" (i dont ever go out anyway!) And chatting up other men on facebook because I'm lonely. These are all rediculous claims, and I'm not sure whats causing them since he was not always jealous. Its beginning to drive a wedge between us. I am an independant young woman and need to be able to live my life without my boyfriend accusing me of these things. I love my boyfriend very much and I want to work through this. What is going on in his mind, and how can we work through this so that his trip away can go smoothly?

[MattPerry35]

If this has never happened in the 2 years you have been together I would start wondering if he feels guilty. I am not saying he is cheating on you but it seems weird that this would come out of nowhere. Has he started any new meds or had a life change lately?

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by MattPerry35

If this has never happened in the 2 years you have been together I would start wondering if he feels guilty. I am not saying he is cheating on you but it seems weird that this would come out of nowhere. Has he started any new meds or had a life change lately?

He is considerably older than I and that may be where he is feeling insecure. I have extreme doubt that he is unfaithful as he is generally a very loving and sincere person. He hasnt started any medications, but he is slowing down on his drinking habits (which werent to the level of alcoholism, but he recognized it was getting unhealthy). He will usually accuse me of cheating when he is under the influence. I will then get upset and talk him down out of it, and he will have a moment of clarity like "oh my god I'm such a d#ck for saying this to you"... but it will still happen again in the future. I know he is worried about money and feels like he deserves more out of life (which he does because he works his fingers to the bone). He has been cheated on in the past, and Im sure it is a combination of worrying that I will leave him for a man my age, as well as remnants of fear from past relationships. But why now, with no proof or reason?

[divine1966]

My ex was cheated on by his ex wife so it took him few years to trust me that I am not a cheater.
Honestly if he drinks who knows what else is in his head. I'd be more concerned with drinking than jealousy

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[MikeNessMonster]

He began drinking every night after he lost his car and became house locked for twl years. Honestly, I met him in the middle of a mid life crisis. This business trip is very important because he is going to be able to buy a car for himself aftrerwards. I think this will help with his confidence level, and the drinking will lessen even more once he feels independant again. That is another thing - i am able to leave the house to visit friends withoit him, but his friends always come to our apartment because my boyfriend does not have transportation.

[toolman65]

Whether he is an alcoholic or not is beside the point. His drinking causes him to behave in ways that are hurtful to you. The accusations he flings at you are all about him...his insecurities. I don't think having wheels is going to change his behaviour in the long term.

Read up on Al-Anon online or better yet, go to a meeting.