[officerjimlahey]

Recently moving, feeling like I'm at a professional and social turning point in life, among other things, are starting to cause me quite a bit of introspection (I am usually that way, but it's even more intense as of late) and I'm starting to reflect on my emotional habits and wonder if I am coping in a normal, healthy way or if I am actually unknowingly making my life harder.

Just a bit of back - story on my current situation, is that I recently moved several hours away from my hometown and all of my social interests on a relatively short term basis (will be less than a year). I've been struggling with bouts of depression in the few months I've already been here, as I have left most of my family and my best friends back home, who I am very used to seeing and talking to on a regular basis. In addition to that, I was involved in a somewhat complicated relationship for several months before I left. Essentially, it was just a casual dating scenario where we did end up seeing each other regularly (but not extremely often, I should note) and sleeping together but did not commit to any actual relationship. Simple enough, but I did end up developing unexpected strong feelings for him and would consider myself to, still be, unfortunately, in love with him, frankly. At this point in time and even before when I wasn't trying to pacify myself, I did realize this was probably never going to go anywhere serious. I do believe he had/has some feelings, but not like mine.

So where I'm at now, where I indeed have been before in the past with other failed relationships, is that since I'm not over him yet but feel like there is nothing I can do about it...well, frankly I just still think about him often and fantasize about the chance of a positive outcome in the future. That, alone, I know, seems counterproductive and silly as my way of "getting over him". But I think that the reason that I do that in between failed relationships that matter to me, are because 1.) Thinking about it negatively or just forcing myself to try to stop thinking about him, makes me depressed and emotional, where as with my positive fantasy route, I just kind of coast by for a while not always being in a terrible mood, and 2.) In my life, I hate to say it (because I believe in the importance of self-esteem and focus on ones own psychological health instead of relying on relationships with others), I have found that I guess I only truly start to move on emotionally from a heartbreak once someone new comes along to take my focus.

Is it common to do what I tend to, even when I have already stopped talking to someone in life, to continue letting myself kind of hope in the meantime? I feel that despite the comfort, it does keep me actively in love with the person instead of moving on.

Are there better ways that I should practice to cope, or more importantly, find closure in a situation where the other person may not freely discuss it with me?

[BrokenNinja]

Im sorry to hear your story. I know it well....
Sad but true it does take time. But patience is what i do not have..
Ive been trying this meetup group, maybe check it out no pressure dating anyone , your there because you like the same interest..

Good luck to you..

I would say we all do/have done what you do.

Emotions are tremendously difficult and they tend to not want to follow the rules that logic sets forth, no matter how much those rules would help.

[Rose76]

It's normal to want to have someone, so when you are not in a relationship, it's normal, IMO, to feel that something is missing. Actually, something was missing when you were with this guy, but you stayed in contact with him because it seemed better than nothing. That's kind of sad, but I've done it too. When you know that someone is not looking for what you are looking for, it's best to break off and move on. But that is hard to do.

I don't think there is much you can do to control your thinking when you feel lonely and have the time to fantasize about how things might improve with someone. The mind can't really think about two things at one time. So your best bet is to be involved with other people in whatever way you can find for that to occur that is safe and healthy. You need to strive to make some friends right where you are . . . girlfriends, as well as potential boyfriends. If you're out having some fun with other people, you won't obsess so much about what is in the past.

In years to come, you will look back and realize that some of what you now think of as "being in love" is really just having someone who fills a void in a way that seems to matter more than it really does. I can remember guys I once thought I loved who I can't even remember the address of where they lived now. I won't say I forgot their names, but I've forgotten their birthdays and lots of stuff I thought was branded on my mind.

The more you are out in circulation and mingling, the more of a chance that you will meet someone who wants what you want.