[ArtGrey]

I have a few friends who suffer from anxiety and depression and they know they have my support whenever they need it. But they deal with it much differently than I do. They get angry and lash out and say disturbing things. I love my friends of course, but sometimes it's hard to be around them. They want to bring me into their personal issues I feel a little too much and I can't handle all of it even though I wish I could for them. Recently it's been getting worse and it makes me really anxious when I'm around easily angered people. I don't talk much and listening to my friends talk so awfully about each other to me makes me quieter and more exhausted. To make matters worse I've been trying really hard to get over a massive depressive state I've been in for the past few weeks (and they know that but their tunnel vision gets pretty intense when they're overwhelmed with their own issues) and I feel like if I hang around them too much I'll be dragged back down again. It feels cruel to say that but I've been making some good progress and I'm so scared of crashing again. It gets harder and harder to handle them. Is it heartless to want to take a break from them? I can't shoulder everything and feel like I'm responsible for their actions. What should I do...

[doyoutrustme]

Have you tried to directly set boundaries with them? Nicely tell them that you simply cannot talk about this thing right now. Are you/your friends in therapy?

[ArtGrey]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

Have you tried to directly set boundaries with them? Nicely tell them that you simply cannot talk about this thing right now. Are you/your friends in therapy?

I'm not in therapy. I think they have tried to go but they're not the best at self help/finding help when they need it which is why I guess they lash out and say awful things.

I don't know how well they'd react to me saying that though. I don't want them to feel like I'm abandoning them. If they got worse somehow without me I'd probably feel kind of responsible even if it isn't my responsibility.

[doyoutrustme]

One of the first things (and the best) that I learned in therapy was how to set boundaries with my friends and family who were draining me. It scared me in the beginning in hindsight, it all worked out for the best.

Remember, you are NOT responsible for the overreactions of other people. It feels selfish at first, but by going to therapy and learning to set healthy boundaries, you will be modeling what good mental health is.

[hvert]

It's totally okay to take a break from people who are overwhelming you with their problems. It can be really hard when you care about them and want to help, but sometimes people just have some serious problems that they need to straighten out for themselves before they can really have good friendships.

Are these friends supportive of your issues or do they tend to dump their problems on you and not be interested in yours?

I like the idea of setting boundaries. What if you say something like, 'I'm sorry, I'm trying to get over this depression and talking about that really bothers me. Can we talk about X instead?' Or even "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling up to talking/hanging out - I need to call you later."

[Waiting4Release]

It is one thing I worry about, this long depression of mine and it is just a drain on my family - I did not have my children so I could make their lives miserable.

Another thing that makes me cry not only am I miserable but my family deserves better than to be stuck with me.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by ArtGrey

They want to bring me into their personal issues I feel a little too much and I can't handle all of it even though I wish I could for them. . . . . I'm responsible for their actions. What should I do...

First of all, stop telling yourself things this. No, you don't wish you could handle all their problems for them. That would leave them nothing to do. So that wouldn't be right, and you know that. Furthermore, you are not responsible for their actions, and you know that too.

The first thing you need to do is listen to your own mind, which I do not believe is as clueless as you are making out. There is plenty of wisdom inside of yourself. The very way you explain this whole scenario shows that you see exactly what is wrong. Trust your own wisdom. A million people telling you what to do won't matter, if you can't separate sense from nonsense. I think you can. Try.

It's not nice to provide an audience to someone who is saying miserable stuff about someone else whom you regard as a friend. I'm not sure I understand what you are saying, but if that's what is happening, then stop allowing that. Also, if a friend of yours who is distressed can get attention from you by working up into an angry lather, then you are rewarding them for the wrong behavior. When that happens, you tell your friend to go calm down and take it easy and get back to you after they have gotten over their fit.

It can be loving to be present for someone who is in pain, but you can't let people spew out their anger at you. You already see how this isn't going anywhere good. So nothing to lose by stopping it. Tell your friends that their issues with each other are between themselves and that you cannot get in the middle. Then mean what you say. This is a bunch of drama that will quiet down, if they have less of an audience to perform to.