[tabenda]

This weekend a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend, but before the day was over they were back together because she threatened to commit suicide. They started dating off and on last July and became boyfriend-girlfriend in the beginning of March. It concerns me that he gave in, but I'm not sure that I would have done anything different in the same situation. I haven't had a chance to talk to him to find out what his state of mind is or to find out how he plans to handle it. My hope is that he will recognize it for what it is and get her professional help. I do worry that he might stay with her.

Is there any situation in which staying with her is the right thing to do?

[avlady]

i think this happens more often than people are willing to admit. one person in the relationship wants out and the other doesn't want out so they threaten suicide. this is not right needless to say. some people stay for life because of it but others like me can get out, you just have to leave the one who is threatening to themselves, it is nobody's fault but the threateners if they decide to commit suicide.

[Bill3]

It would be useful for your friend to read about emotional blackmail:

Out of the FOG - Emotional Blackmail

[kelly8896]

My daughter (20 years old) was confronted with this same issue. She and her girlfriend (same sex relationship) fight all the time and she was getting tired of it. They were living together and my daughter told her that she wanted to move home. The girl took a bunch of pills and was hospitalized. They pumped her stomach and she came out of it fine. My daughter felt awful and stayed with her. The following weekend the girl beat my daughter up after a argument. I moved my daughter home immediately, she had no say in the matter. They lived separately for a few months, but still continued to date. My daughter felt she needed to stay with her due to her trying to commit suicide. I did my best to give her advice on this, but in the end she made the decision to stay with her and they are now living together again. I am afraid for my daughter's safety and wish she'd realize that the relationship is toxic. I think with time she will realize this is not the type of long term relationship she wants or can see herself in for the rest of her life. But only time will tell. She calls me complaining and occasionally will come over for the day to get away from her girl friend, but they continue on.

The girl is seeing a therapist and they don't fight as much. I think your advice is correct in him trying to get her professional help. It has to be his decision to stay or leave. All you can really do is support him and let him know that you are there if he needs you. Maybe gently remind him that he should take a look at what he really wants in a relationship long term and have him picture whether or not this includes her. Maybe for the near future it does, maybe 5 years from now it won't.

A cop friend told me that it takes a person on average 5-7 times to experience something horrific (being beat up, threats of suicide, emotional abuse) before they make the decision to leave the person. And even after leaving, it takes time before they will permanently remove them from their lives. I find this very sad, but most likely true.

Good luck.

[healingme4me]

Staying when both partners are working on themselves while attempting to have a functional relationship is when it's right.

I don't like being manipulated. When the divorce was filed my ex had texted a similar threat. I contacted the authorities, for a wellness check. By that point, damage was already done, there was no going back. He was given a prognosis, suggestions for therapy, which he started and stopped.

Leaving is one of most heightened emotional times. I'm tied by children. Even moving on into a new relationship brought heightened emotions, those cannot be fully withheld when children are involved.

If your friend is fine with being back with her, it's his choice. Does sound push and pull, he may need counseling himself to understand his role in this cycle.


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[Rose76]

Originally Posted by tabenda

It concerns me that he gave in, . . . . . I do worry that he might stay with her.

How is this your worry? Why does this concern you?

[tabenda]

Originally Posted by Rose76

How is this your worry? Why does this concern you?

Because I care.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by tabenda

Because I care.

That is the classic excuse given by every busy body on the planet.

Care enough to let him tend to his own business in his own way. It's not for you to "find out how he plans to handle it." Even, if you were his mother or brother, it would not be for you to decide whether he's making the right or wrong decisions. They are his decisions. Sure, if he wants to bounce them off of you, fine. Tell him what you think. Then let go.

It is absolutely true that he is going to make some bad decisions in his life. That's his right. That's how we learn. If he asks for your advice, feel free to give it. Then figure he'll probably ignore it and do what seems best to him.

In answer to your question: Yes, it can be the right thing to do. Only time will tell.