[thesilenttreatment]

Hey everyone,

My boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for 5 days and refuses to talk to me. I know that this may not seem like such a long time for some people but it's huge for us and it's taking a massive emotional toll on me.

To give you all a quick background: We've been together for 3 years. We don't live together. We argue off and on and he's really unhappy with himself although he won't admit to it and he's angry/upset often. We broke up a few months ago for a couple of weeks because he was tired of "me making him miserable" but then he said he realized that I wasn't the problem and that he was miserable for other reasons and we patched things up and have been, so it seemed, happy ever since.

He gave me the silent treatment once before, we when had just begun dating, over the simplest thing. He had done something to help me out with my car and my mechanic thought at first (before looking at the car) that it had been done wrong. I told my boyfriend that because I didn't think it was a big deal but he had an absolute meltdown and would not speak to me for a week because I "accused him" of something he didn't do. This was over three years ago so I don't remember how the whole thing ended but I remember his friend was involved and he just sort of started talking normally to me again. It didn't bother me a whole lot because I wasn't anywhere near as in love with him as I am now.

Well now I've accidentally accused him of doing something else. We live in a very small town and his car is unique. He told me that he had to ditch our plans for a family member and although I was upset I understood. I then saw "his car" parked by his friends and jumped to the conclusion that he had lied. I had NEVER seen this car before in my life so I obviously thought that it was his. After getting upset with him I realized that it wasn't and immediately apologized. He then became silent but I thought he was just busy. So I text him and he didn't text me back and I asked if he was upset and he said "Yeah, pretty ticked off" and I told him that I was sorry and that I understood that and to message me when he was ready. I knew that I had made a mistake, and I would have been upset too if I was in his position, so I figured it was only fair to give him the rest of the night to calm down.

The next day he didn't speak to me and refused to drive me to a very important appointment he had promised to take me to, causing me to miss it (I didn't try to find a back-up because I certainly did not think he was THAT mad at me!!). He came to see me long enough to get something he needed from my car but brought a friend along and quickly left. Later that evening I asked if he was still mad at me through text. He told me he was "f-ing furious" and I asked him why. He said all I ever do is ****** and complain and control him.

Ok back up a little. A few weeks ago I became upset with him because he went to a party and told me I probably wouldn't want to go because it was only guys. I agreed and stayed home. I learned the next day that not only had women shown up but he had slept in the same room as another girl because she had nowhere else to sleep unless she slept in the living room by her ex whom she didn't know would be there. I was pretty upset. I trust that nothing happened, but I told him that it upset me and that I definitely would have appreciated knowing that girls had arrived (something that the party planner told me that my boyfriend had no idea about so I know he didn't lie) and that this girl had nowhere to sleep and would be in the same room. He apologized and said he didn't think to tell me and I said from now on please do and went on with my day. The next time he went to this person's house (not a party, just for the night) I told him that I was a little uncomfortable and fearful of him going now and he apologized and promised me that there were no girls and I accepted that and we moved on with our evening.

I am also going through a hard personal time lately and have been "venting" to him a bit and expressing my concerns and fears. He never gave me an indication of it bothering him.

Back to the present; I'm not entirely sure that these are the things he's talking about, but they're my best guess because I am at a loss about why I am being treated this way. He's very self-conscious and does not like me to make jokes at his expense and due to being raised in a very joking family I sometimes accidentally make jokes about something he's doing but immediately apologize. We've also had our frustrations because as someone who is diagnosed with depression and anxiety I see a lot of mental health concerns in the way he acts and I have expressed my concern and told him that I wish he would seek help, to which I am told "There is nothing wrong with me. I'm happy with the way I am. Stop." ... but he sure doesn't act happy on a daily basis.

So now we're on day 5 of the silent treatment and no matter what I do he won't talk to me. I've tried saying nothing and giving him space, I've tried attempting to talk to him, I've tried explaining what I feel I did wrong and apologizing for it. He just responds with "sometime" when I ask him when we're going to talk. If I ask any other direct question like "are we ever going to speak again?" or "What does this even mean for us?" he just says things like "I'm not happy" "I'm tired of feeling sh*tty" "I'm so mad" ... every once in a while he'll send me a text about something that's normal, like to ask me a question about something, but he otherwise ignores me and avoids directly answering questions about this silent treatment. He does respond to a text with a question in it with a curt, indirect answer, but he will not respond to more "chatty" texts.

Everything I've read about how to deal with the silent treatment says to talk to them, but what the heck do you do when they won't talk?! This is tearing me apart inside (I don't let him see that because I know this treatment is a form of control and I don't want him to see it breaking me down) and I don't know how much longer I can handle it... but what do I do? I can't force him to talk. I've considered telling him he has until it's been a week to talk or else I'm going to leave him, but I love him and don't want to do that. I just cannot see how else to end this!!!! The way he talks seems like he wants to leave me... but if that was the truth then why wouldn't he just do it? He had no problem breaking up the last time and didn't drag it out or do anything like this. I don't know how to bring this to an end, I've tried everything I can think of and none of the advice I can find online seems to apply because of his absolute unwillingness to talk.

There's a possibility of something other than me causing him so much stress, and I've considered that is just as much to do with this as our disagreement and he's just too upset to want to talk about anything... but I've witnessed him acting normal around his friends so I can't understand why he'd be normal around them and ignoring me if it wasn't all about us... but nothing happened between us that could even begin to rationally warrant a response like this. Trust me, I've spent 5 days analyzing every tiny detail about our interactions and what would lead to this extreme of a response and I can't come to one.

It's tearing me apart. I cannot function normally in my day because it's always on my mind. I feel like he's going to leave me but I cannot understand why he hasn't already done it if he's going to, and I don't know what to do about making this stop... I feel like I've tried everything and it just won't come to an end. How long am I supposed to let this keep happening?! And what do I do to stop it if he doesn't start talking first?!

What do I do?! HELP!!!

[Crazy Hitch]

Hello thesilenttreatment

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[nicoleflynn]

The silent treatment is abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I think it should be required reading for everyone. Don't try to talk to him; he is behaving like a child having a tantrum. We ignore children who have tantrums. It is all about CONTROL.

[kelly8896]

I’ve never read a book on how to deal with the silent treatment, (but it is interesting information I may note for future reference). I was married to a person that did this to me on a consistent, ongoing basis. His silent treatment started when we dated, but only happened a few times and I didn’t think too much of it. The first two years we were married, same deal, just a few episodes here and there, but after that, it was silent for days, weeks and months at a time until I apologized (however I never knew what I was apologizing for). We would never talk about what had upset him, he would just give me a kiss after I apologized, be intimate with me and act like nothing was wrong until the next day (I'm not exaggerating here) and it started over again. No reason, just a game he played to feel powerful I guess. It was torcher and I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Unfortunately, after 4 years of the abuse (and it is abuse) my situation ended in divorce. It was killing my self-esteem and I was miserable. I deserve better.

I’m not saying that you should end your relationship, however until he understands that it is not ok for him to treat you this way, he will continue. And as long as you allow him, he will continue. My opinion is to not give him an ultimatum, but to kindly say, I wish we could talk about what ever has upset you and find a resolution so we can move forward in our relationship. I love you and care about you, however I don’t deserve to be treated the way you are treating me and I won’t tolerate any longer.

Then, don’t contact him anymore. Go about your life, hang out with friends, find activities, to keep you busy. It may be a few days, but if he truly cares about you he will contact you and talk to you about it. If he doesn’t contact you, please move on and find someone that values you and will put forth the same amount of effort in love and consideration you deserve.

Hope this helps, Good luck.

[kaliope]

hi thesilenttreatment
have you tried communicating with "i feel statements?" Are you employing blocks to communication such as advice giving, moralizing, placating, psychologizing, sarcasm, know it all, etc....you could probably google the list. these things keep people from being able to communicate. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by thesilenttreatment

Hey everyone,


My boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for 5 days and refuses to talk to me. I know that this may not seem like such a long time for some people but it's huge for us and it's taking a massive emotional toll on me.


To give you all a quick background: We've been together for 3 years. We don't live together. We argue off and on and he's really unhappy with himself although he won't admit to it and he's angry/upset often. We broke up a few months ago for a couple of weeks because he was tired of "me making him miserable" but then he said he realized that I wasn't the problem and that he was miserable for other reasons and we patched things up and have been, so it seemed, happy ever since.


He gave me the silent treatment once before, we when had just begun dating, over the simplest thing. He had done something to help me out with my car and my mechanic thought at first (before looking at the car) that it had been done wrong. I told my boyfriend that because I didn't think it was a big deal but he had an absolute meltdown and would not speak to me for a week because I "accused him" of something he didn't do. This was over three years ago so I don't remember how the whole thing ended but I remember his friend was involved and he just sort of started talking normally to me again. It didn't bother me a whole lot because I wasn't anywhere near as in love with him as I am now.


Well now I've accidentally accused him of doing something else. We live in a very small town and his car is unique. He told me that he had to ditch our plans for a family member and although I was upset I understood. I then saw "his car" parked by his friends and jumped to the conclusion that he had lied. I had NEVER seen this car before in my life so I obviously thought that it was his. After getting upset with him I realized that it wasn't and immediately apologized. He then became silent but I thought he was just busy. So I text him and he didn't text me back and I asked if he was upset and he said "Yeah, pretty ticked off" and I told him that I was sorry and that I understood that and to message me when he was ready. I knew that I had made a mistake, and I would have been upset too if I was in his position, so I figured it was only fair to give him the rest of the night to calm down.


The next day he didn't speak to me and refused to drive me to a very important appointment he had promised to take me to, causing me to miss it (I didn't try to find a back-up because I certainly did not think he was THAT mad at me!!). He came to see me long enough to get something he needed from my car but brought a friend along and quickly left. Later that evening I asked if he was still mad at me through text. He told me he was "f-ing furious" and I asked him why. He said all I ever do is ****** and complain and control him.


Ok back up a little. A few weeks ago I became upset with him because he went to a party and told me I probably wouldn't want to go because it was only guys. I agreed and stayed home. I learned the next day that not only had women shown up but he had slept in the same room as another girl because she had nowhere else to sleep unless she slept in the living room by her ex whom she didn't know would be there. I was pretty upset. I trust that nothing happened, but I told him that it upset me and that I definitely would have appreciated knowing that girls had arrived (something that the party planner told me that my boyfriend had no idea about so I know he didn't lie) and that this girl had nowhere to sleep and would be in the same room. He apologized and said he didn't think to tell me and I said from now on please do and went on with my day. The next time he went to this person's house (not a party, just for the night) I told him that I was a little uncomfortable and fearful of him going now and he apologized and promised me that there were no girls and I accepted that and we moved on with our evening.


I am also going through a hard personal time lately and have been "venting" to him a bit and expressing my concerns and fears. He never gave me an indication of it bothering him.


Back to the present; I'm not entirely sure that these are the things he's talking about, but they're my best guess because I am at a loss about why I am being treated this way. He's very self-conscious and does not like me to make jokes at his expense and due to being raised in a very joking family I sometimes accidentally make jokes about something he's doing but immediately apologize. We've also had our frustrations because as someone who is diagnosed with depression and anxiety I see a lot of mental health concerns in the way he acts and I have expressed my concern and told him that I wish he would seek help, to which I am told "There is nothing wrong with me. I'm happy with the way I am. Stop." ... but he sure doesn't act happy on a daily basis.


So now we're on day 5 of the silent treatment and no matter what I do he won't talk to me. I've tried saying nothing and giving him space, I've tried attempting to talk to him, I've tried explaining what I feel I did wrong and apologizing for it. He just responds with "sometime" when I ask him when we're going to talk. If I ask any other direct question like "are we ever going to speak again?" or "What does this even mean for us?" he just says things like "I'm not happy" "I'm tired of feeling sh*tty" "I'm so mad" ... every once in a while he'll send me a text about something that's normal, like to ask me a question about something, but he otherwise ignores me and avoids directly answering questions about this silent treatment. He does respond to a text with a question in it with a curt, indirect answer, but he will not respond to more "chatty" texts.


Everything I've read about how to deal with the silent treatment says to talk to them, but what the heck do you do when they won't talk?! This is tearing me apart inside (I don't let him see that because I know this treatment is a form of control and I don't want him to see it breaking me down) and I don't know how much longer I can handle it... but what do I do? I can't force him to talk. I've considered telling him he has until it's been a week to talk or else I'm going to leave him, but I love him and don't want to do that. I just cannot see how else to end this!!!! The way he talks seems like he wants to leave me... but if that was the truth then why wouldn't he just do it? He had no problem breaking up the last time and didn't drag it out or do anything like this. I don't know how to bring this to an end, I've tried everything I can think of and none of the advice I can find online seems to apply because of his absolute unwillingness to talk.


There's a possibility of something other than me causing him so much stress, and I've considered that is just as much to do with this as our disagreement and he's just too upset to want to talk about anything... but I've witnessed him acting normal around his friends so I can't understand why he'd be normal around them and ignoring me if it wasn't all about us... but nothing happened between us that could even begin to rationally warrant a response like this. Trust me, I've spent 5 days analyzing every tiny detail about our interactions and what would lead to this extreme of a response and I can't come to one.


It's tearing me apart. I cannot function normally in my day because it's always on my mind. I feel like he's going to leave me but I cannot understand why he hasn't already done it if he's going to, and I don't know what to do about making this stop... I feel like I've tried everything and it justified won't come to an end. How long am I supposed to let this keep happening?! And what do I do to stop it if he doesn't start talking first?!


What do I do?! HELP!!!

I am not sure who would be ok with this. It uis abusive. 5 days silent treatment.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[healingme4me]

This came up, elsewhere, and I hope the person who originally shared this link, doesn't mind its reuse. I feel it pertains....

http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhauste...se-on-spouses/

[Keyslost]

This sounds like my now ex. If they're sooooo unhappy why don't they leave? When I had enough of that crap I started talking about breaking up b/c she couldn't talk things out and would just pout. Guess what happened? She completely changed her attitude. Now I can't say for sure this is exactly the same or that you should talk about breaking up but it sounds sooo familiar. Just a load of crap. I would run from this guy if I were in your shoes. On a side note you've been together 3 yrs and he can't communicate? Also by the sounds of things he's gonna do this again. Ask yourself if you want to do this into marriage that would be awful for me. Hang in there TST come back to talk if you need

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central thesilenttreatment!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

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Sorry for your struggles. You will meet many here who will be able to relate to what you're going through and give you feedback.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!