[HockingPastryChef]

Ok, so I have been with my partner for over 4 months now and last night he actually said this to me: I'm surprised that we haven't gotten into any fights because isn't that normal?

My question is am I just hurting myself by thinking shouldn't he know me by now. Because I am not a person who likes to ever fight because I know you should see another persons view point instead of just saying you are right all the time. I like to discuss and think its stupid to take the immature route into dealing with disagreements and conflicts. I have discussed this with him a couple times. I would think he would realize that I maybe a goofy person but I am calm most of the time.

Could it be his past effecting him. He had gone through depression for two years and I can tell he still has symptoms of it like: low-self esteem and self doubts (not all the time). He had some pretty bad friendships that no longer exist. He is working on himself but I do feel hurt from some of his self doubts too, by things he says.

I feel I could say something to him about that.

And I think I just answered myself by typing this up (that I am hurting myself) but still want opinions. ha.

OP, talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. If you bottle up your feelings they will only continue to hurt you. Tell your boyfriend that you're there for him and that he can open up to you and trust you - he need not be afraid you will start useless fights. Especially if he has been in any relationships in the past in which there was a lot of fighting it may take some time for him to fully accept that this relationship will be different. Sometimes it's hard to accept when a good thing comes along - you try to look for faults when you should spend more time looking at the good.

[HockingPastryChef]

Originally Posted by NewLyfeForReal

OP, talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. If you bottle up your feelings they will only continue to hurt you. Tell your boyfriend that you're there for him and that he can open up to you and trust you - he need not be afraid you will start useless fights. Especially if he has been in any relationships in the past in which there was a lot of fighting it may take some time for him to fully accept that this relationship will be different. Sometimes it's hard to accept when a good thing comes along - you try to look for faults when you should spend more time looking at the good.

Thanks a lot for your comment and that is very true. I think he is looking for faults without even realizing. I know he wouldn't do it on purpose and I do need to say something to him about that. I was thinking about that earlier actually on the part of telling him to open up more on his fears because I am not going to bite him in the face back. lol. I think he has some fear of abandonment too that he needs to realize pushes the other person away too; it sure does reverse affect on what their intensions are.

A lot of the times someone who has put themselves in more of a positive mindset doesn't see the others perspective as well if they are thinking more negative. I admit I am more optimistic and can overlook him quite often, which isn't the greatest. Which I am working on that myself.

[unaluna]

I dont think you are hurting yourself. You have come here, described issues, and said you didnt want to continue the relationship if these issues couldnt be worked out. Then you go back and talk to him, and you work them out, usually by him admitting he was... out of line. If you were hurting yourself, i think you would be more afraid to lose him? I think he should be grateful he has found someone who sees and appreciates his value (and vice versa). Besides, it is still pretty early in the relationship, just four months. There would or should not be major life decisions coming up this soon, one would hope!

[HockingPastryChef]

Originally Posted by hankster

I dont think you are hurting yourself. You have come here, described issues, and said you didnt want to continue the relationship if these issues couldnt be worked out. Then you go back and talk to him, and you work them out, usually by him admitting he was... out of line. If you were hurting yourself, i think you would be more afraid to lose him? I think he should be grateful he has found someone who sees and appreciates his value (and vice versa). Besides, it is still pretty early in the relationship, just four months. There would or should not be major life decisions coming up this soon, one would hope!

Thanks for your comment!

Yeah, that is true though I am thinking too much into it and need to say something to him. Hurt builds up more the more you think about the negative.

Haha. There isn't any major life decisions. I do like going with the flow most of the time... The most major thing that has happened is that I found a new job.

[chickenpotpie6701]

I think you are reading WAYYYYY to into that comment. ALL couples fight, whether it happens right away or a year or so once the lovey-dovey part of it calms down. Even if you see someones side you can be in a bad mood and he's hyper and won't stop talking and rambling on and talking loud and you have a horrible head ache. Most women would snap in that scenario. If I feel like you're hurting yourself, maybe from being passive aggressive and not letting your emotions free and bottling them up. There has been plenty of times me and my ex fiance forgot what the other has said. not because we dont care or love each other, but we are busy people with a lot on our minds. that's what happens in a grown up relationship sometimes lol

[HockingPastryChef]

Originally Posted by chickenpotpie6701

I think you are reading WAYYYYY to into that comment. ALL couples fight, whether it happens right away or a year or so once the lovey-dovey part of it calms down. Even if you see someones side you can be in a bad mood and he's hyper and won't stop talking and rambling on and talking loud and you have a horrible head ache. Most women would snap in that scenario. If I feel like you're hurting yourself, maybe from being passive aggressive and not letting your emotions free and bottling them up. There has been plenty of times me and my ex fiance forgot what the other has said. not because we dont care or love each other, but we are busy people with a lot on our minds. that's what happens in a grown up relationship sometimes lol

Yes I agree, that is what I had said after I had typed the topic up, then I asked for opinions.

And I agree that it is normal to get into fights but I am not for them, I would walk away when a negative feeling would be overbearing. I know I would be fine after a fight but I think it's better to discuss through things after calming down if you had gotten upset, hurt, annoyed or whatever over something. NO relationship is perfect and should never be expected to be perfect.

I'm still going to asking him about couples fights though to see what his thoughts were actually. Like another commenter had said that it could be fears. There actually has been several things that he seems to be confused about me, maybe because I'm not too insecure and he has been around more insecure unhappy women.

Thank you for your comment.