Confused about boundaries

The articles on the web say that you need to "tune into your feelings". What happens when a person does or says something, but you aren't hurt by it and/or don't mind it?

Some people react emotionally to small things while I don't react to a lot of these things they react to. Do they have 'high reactivity' or do I have 'low reactivity'? I am confused.

Example 1: Someone, while being pissed off about something, talks to you, but isn't being aggressive towards you. They just have a pissed off tone of voice. Someone would get annoyed and react in some way. I on the other hand don't get annoyed about this. I just talk to the person normally.

Example 2: I told a coworker that I can't fix something on her computer. Few days later I overreacted about something, she was angry at me for about a week. I didn't say I'm sorry so she started using a different tone of voice, trying to be aggressive etc. She asked me again why I can't fix the thing on her computer. Other people would get annoyed that she is asking again. They would react. I on the other hand wasn't annoyed. I just told her, using a normal tone, why it can't be fixed.

It occurred to me that I am 'living in my head' and that I am not enough present in the moment to catch these? Am I just an introvert who is not connected to his emotions enough? Are boundaries different for every person?

Edit: I was always a passive person.

In my opinion, yes, boundaries are different for every person. I have thought about how the two examples you mentioned fit with similar experiences I have had and I can say I have reacted the same way you did, at times. For both examples, I think maintaining a calm, clear and focused mind to get things done and help people instead of aggravating the situation through aggression on your part - could be considered a strength of character that you have. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, quite the opposite in my opinion. You may have a highet tolerance to some things than other people, and thus a "lower reactivity" as you said, maybe. Is this something you would like to change - are you hurting yourself by feeling/acting this way? If you aren't, then I don't think you need to worry any further. I'm sure that the people around you, although they may not directly show it and it may be difficult to see, are grateful that you don't snap back at them and return their pissed off/aggressive tones. It's a strength of character that you have and they lack.

Boundaries are about what you want. If something does not bother you, then it does not bother you! Boundaries are not moral objects but guides to help us think about and organize our own lives. The fact that someone else has bad boundaries should not affect us other than we decide if we like/do not like their general way of relating to us and adjust our own boundaries accordingly.

With the person asking you numerous times why you can't fix her computer. If she asks in a way you do not like, you say something along the lines of, "I do not like being talked to in that tone of voice." You let the other person know where you are; that is what boundaries are for. If you don't care about her tone of voice/personal problems and only care about the question, you answer the question or say something like, "I have told you before I cannot fix your computer because of X, Y, and Z, and I am not going to discuss it with you again." When they bring it up a 3rd time you reiterate, "I have told you before why I cannot fix it, and I'm not going to discuss that again." If you don't have any trouble with the person asking a zillion times/as many as they want or need to, then you patiently tell them the answer each time. It's up to you. You tell the other person where YOU are, not where they should be or what a pain in the tush they are or anything else about them.

You are allowed to like/dislike someone's attitude or even alleged attitude and when they are dealing with you one-on-one you tell them what you are thinking/feeling about their attitude (not about "them"). "It sounds like you are annoyed with me, I wish you would tell me about it instead of copping an attitude. . ." and they either are surprised and explain that they are not annoyed with you or meaning to sound like they are, etc. and you two hash it out and get together better or they get further annoyed or ignore you or explain they are annoyed with you because you won't fix their computer and they think you can and you explain again why you cannot and add that you are sorry if they do not understand but you will not be fixing their computer and would they please not bring it up anymore.

I thought about it, there is an another option... a lot of these situations happen in front of people. I don't know if this has anything to do with it.

I've managed to be assertive when it comes to my father, but there was a situation when another person was there. My father said something, this other person laughed and I ended up not saying anything.

Edit: Maybe these things bothered me, but I didn't know it. What it's called ... Depersonalization ? Or simply anxiety.

It's like I have a plan on how I want to be treated by family... I am not going to take ***** from them, but not a plan about how I want to be treated by anyone else, so I default to being nice.

Not "knowing" if things bother one is just lack of self-awareness. It takes time and practice to look inside and identify/name what one is feeling. But there's no time limit in going to your father, Orvel, and telling him how his laughing made you feel (left out or like a child, unimportant, etc.) and discussing it with him. As you have seen, it is hard to know what we, ourselves, are feeling and identify it so when we are dealing with other people we have to be completely clueless unless they help us by telling us what they are feeling and why! Otherwise our own imagination gets in there and supplies a reason that makes sense to us but we all too easily misread what they seem to be emoting and/or have no clue of their reasons. I can appear angry to you because I was just in an argument with another person. But you will easily think I am angry with you.

Orvel, depersonalization is when you don't feel like "yourself", you are watching this other person say and do stuff and it's you that's doing stuff but feels like you are just observing. Yes, you don't feel anything, but that's not the same as not knowing what you are feeling. As with all words and objects we have to learn what the words mean and have the "a ha" moment when the word matches and you can say, "Oh, this must be 'happy'!" or, "I feel 'disappointed'." Thinking about a feeling word and looking for it over a few days can help. My therapist had me do that with "disappointment" and "humiliation". Of course, as soon as I started thinking about each words (one a week :-) I immediately felt "disappointed" and "humiliated", LOL

I understand where you are coming from... I asked this question because other people see my behavior. It's reputation at stake.

You might be right. I looked up on "self awareness". If I remember these situations, they were all definitely happening too fast.

There is no point in discussing this with him. I mentioned a lot of things, that he does, that I don't approve of. He is stubborn and doesn't accept my opinion, he puts everyone down, he's an a$$hole. For the last couple of months I've been shooting back and he has taken a step back.

This could also be true in some situations.

I forgot to do something, my father said "Moron! Well go do it". I wasn't hurt by this. My father can be like that. Did I grow numb to these things or this is a normal reaction?

Edit: There weren't any emotions behind his words. It was a very casual insult.

Orvel, sometimes my parents say similar things to me. I let it go always as raising my voice back would lead to awful fighting but truth be told in my mind sometimes their behaviour doesn't hurt me emotionally. I don't know whether to classify it as 'normal' behaviour or becoming more 'numb' as you said... I get what you mean about the numb feeling... I've experienced it too...

Here's something I could relate to: link

Here's a quote:

We all need physical and emotional boundaries. An excellentbook is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. When someoneviolates our boundaries and says something hurtful, we need to speak up....such as......what you said was hurtful. Quite often that person will try to defend themselves. It is our responsibility to simply repeat what hurt and why and not spend a lot of time explaining. Simply say....that hurt, etc.

Name calling is verbal abuse. a