[Jeffreal]

I have been divorced a short while after being married for a little better than 20 years. As a whole, I am probably like many males in that despite not wanting to stay married, getting divorced has left me feeling like a failure. Made the mistake of getting into a relationship before the divorce was even final. The woman and I fell as people do in these situations and within a few months I was in serious need of some breathing room. I mean I had none. She moved out and now I feel like death and deep sorrow are my only friends. I am just so tired of being lost and of feeling the sum of this worthlessness. How can a man break up with someone because they repeatedly lead him to want to break up, and yet be so brokenhearted over the fact. I am ashamed of myself for not being stronger and for all these tears that I have been crying. For three days I have basically just existed in the cracks. I have no one to share this with, i apologize.

[Rose76]

It is very common to feel heart broken over a relationship that you wanted to end. At one time you had hopes that became dashed. That is a big loss and it is normal to grieve. It's not good to rush into another relationship. For now, make the most of any supportive friendships that you might have. I'm sorry if you really don't have any.

Twenty years is a long time. You'll need time to adjust. Are you still friends with the woman who moved out?

I hesitate to reply to this since I've never been married. I feel like I probably don't have any good advice. I'd just like to tell you that I read that you wrote and feel compassion for you. It seems very normal to me that you would be grieving at this time.

How can a man break up with someone because they repeatedly lead him to want to break up, and yet be so brokenhearted over the fact

The sentence above caught my attention. I've struggled with similar questions about emotions. I'm a very rational person. When I was younger, I expected my emotions to be rational, too, but emotions often aren't.

It's like we have several emotional parts to us, and each one works separately, and we end up with the total of all of them, which usually turns out to be a messy mishmash of feelings.

I would imagine that you feel brokenhearted that things didn't work out the way you had hoped. You're probably angry about that. You may be relieved a little. I'm just speculating here. Does that make sense, though, that you can have several different emotions going on at once and that some of them can be contradictory? It's very difficult to experience and can make a person feel like their head is being done in.

Like most people on these boards would, I'm going to recommend counseling/therapy if you are able to do that.

Also, do you have activities that you might normally do to help distract you from painful emotions? For me, it's things like going for a bike ride or housecleaning. I may read or watch movies when I feel depressed, but when I have serious anxiety or grief, I do better with something more active.

This next thing comes from 12-step groups, but I find it helps me with emotional distress too. They use the acronym HALT - Ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Hungry and tired are usually easier to fix than angry or lonely, but just trying to make sure you eat regular meals and rest (even if you don't sleep well) is a good anchor for tough times.

No need to apologize for what you've posted here. That's what this forum is for. Sometimes it's easier to tell tough things to strangers.

Hang on, okay? Some things you just have to go "through" - there's no way "around" them.