Family Visit

My husbands family is planning to come to visit on their vacation. At first when it was planned, we had set time out of our schedules to alot to spend time with them, being that his son was/is going to come with his parents. All of a sudden their plans changed, his son was failing in school so he couldnt come and the trip was cancelled. So we filled that week with work being that they werent coming. Now all of a sudden, 2 weeks later, minds are changed and the trip is back on again.

I just had a doctors appt today, and my anxiety meds were upped and I have been told to keep it chill and look into seeing a therapist for my severe anxiety.

So I told my husband that I wasn't going to stand in the way of him seeing his son, but I had to remove myself from the equation because I couldn't promise anything about engaging in activities while they are here. I was very clear with him, I told him I don't hold it against him if he wants to see his son, children come first no matter what. But because my anxiety has led to me having health issues, that isn't something I could promise at the given time.

He is now very upset with me, still insisting that I will hold it over his head is he tells them to come. I wouldn't do that, but I won't pretend that I am going to be all chipper about it..... I don't know what else to do. I am so tired of these issues.

I wonder why isn't his son living with him? Or his mother? Is he a minor? How old?

I think you guys can tell the parents that this isn't a good time but not to the child! How often does he see his son? My daughter lived with me full time and visited her dad part time. I can't imagine him saying she can't come because his wife had anxiety or my daughter going there and her stepmom acting grumpy. It is hurtful and damaging to a child. Thanks G-d it was never the case

Can your husband just have his son visit, not the parents?

On the other hand I looked up your previous posts and you are saying your husband is abusive? That might change my opinion on the issue though. Does he treat your kids right? Or he doesn't but wants you to treat his son like a king? Just wonder if there is more to it?

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I'm confused as to why the son is referred to as having "parents" but it's your husband's son? can you clarify this? was the son adopted? is he with his mother and has a step father?

if it's the ex wife, and step father, I dont' see how that is at all appropriate. if he's adopted, it's still kind of odd that the parents have to come. The visit is really between your husband and the boy. I don't get this and honestly, even without the chang in plans, I could understand the anxiety although it shouldn't be allowed to get in the way of him seeing the boy.

Although I know it's difficult, I also understand your husband's frustration. All he wants is to see the boy and he's probably dealing with the stress of dealilng with the "now" parents, your anxiety and the same complications you've dealt with regarding plans changing so.. I don't know what to say, I mean you both have a difficult situation and the best solution is to try to empathize with the other. I know that it's hard for you in the midst of your problems to do this but it might help to try to understand that even if he doesn't tell you, he may have a lot of frustrations outside of you that are causing him stress.

It's not all about you, your husband or even the son at all. Its about everyone being able to have an enjoyable and stress free environment. It's a tough situation no matter what angle you look at it from.

You can't control your husband's response but only yours, and again, I know you're dealing with anxieties but try to empathize and understand his feelings. Not just the objective goal of being accepting that he needs to see his son but all the feelings he may be dealing with regarding everything. he's a man, and men don't tell you everything that they feel at any given point unless you actually show an interest and ask. he will feel a weight lifted off him if you go to him and ask and earnestly try to understand his feelings. heck doing so may alleviate some of your anxiety if you understand his feelings better!

I think she meant these are her husband's parents and his son lives with them. Some kids do live with grandparents. But if the kid is a minor he is entitled to see his dad. And he is failing school? Where do other kids live ( wife's kids of previous marriages)?

Sounds like there might be more to the story.....

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My husbands son lives with his mother and stepfather. they live half way across the country so when my husbands parents come to visit, they bring my husbands son with them. I have nothing against this in general. As far as the verbal and emotional abuse, my husband treats his own son way better when he comes to visit than he does my 3 children who live with us. that in itself has caused some issues. I want him to spend time with his son. I am dealing with my own issues right now that are severe and most of them were caused from what I have gone thru with my husband. I explained very clearly to him that I have no issues with his family coming to visit, but I request to not be expected to join in planned activities. After working a full day now, I am not able to do much as it is...... so if that is the case, and tension is raised.... i dont see how he can fault me for my request. My medications are still being adjusted and I have a very small comfort zone....

I put my husband first, before any of my own needs for the first 5 years of our relationship. Only in the past 6 months or so am I trying to take care of my own health. It doesn't seem to be good enough for him.

first, the issue of the son being treated different isn't uncommon though in every case comes out as favoritism and unfairness. The difficulty that comes with mixed families is that the step parent in most cases almost never creates a strong bond with the step children and I see the same issues time and again. it's not an easy situation but if any of your three children were gone most of the time and you were only able to see them some of the time, wouldn't you likely have a tendency to lean in the same direction toward showering them with love and affection and attention? Again I'm not negating your feelings, it is a difficult situation and its both hard for you and even your husband to approach this differently. It's just natural fot this to happen and will take quite an effort from him to offset this behavior. I am not in any way condoning this behavior, please hear me. I'm just speaking to the natural tendencies and the fact that although it should be different, it's hard to make that happen when he has a limited amount of time to see this child.

I do not speak out of left field, I brought up a step son from age 4 to 18 and I know the difficulties. I have a daughter that is mine from a previous marriage and it is totally like what you are describing. they are grown now but I don't think we ever successfully overcame the issues with step parenting of multiple children from different families.

I understand it stresses you out, it did that to both my (at the tiem) wife for many years. I feel for you. It's hard.

As for thinking about his feelings and how you put him first for 5 yrs, I completely understand where you are coming from and agree with the idea that you need to take care of you before others. That is a sound strategy. What I do wonder though is the way that it is stated here, I wonder if your perspective has swung in the entire opposite direction and has neglected his feelings entirely? Just a question that I thought I should ask. This is a natural thing too and I can understand this happening but when I suggest taking into account his feelings and trying to understand I did not mean in spite of yours nor neglegting your needs in order to do so but by considering his view, values, position and feelings in taking care of yourself, it would temper the situation a bit and possibly affect the outcome in a different way.

I hope I make sense. Just trying ot help

I am very much trying to take his feelings into consideration. I do understand that it must be hard to be away from his child and cannot even imagine being in that position. I am in no way trying to stop him from doing what he needs..... I'm only asking him to respect what I need. He has admitted outright that he is a very selfish person and has a large sense of entitlement. His actions have led me to breaking down emotionally to where I am very much considering ending this marriage because he keeps pushing me to order things his way and the fights are becoming outrageous. But then to everyone else, he wants our marriage to look perfect and I'm tired of it

wow that changes things if he actually knows he is selfish. Kind of puts a different spin on things here and I can understand better why you're feeling like you do. I don't blame you one bit. sorry I assumed wrongly about you. the idea that the appearance of a great marriage in spite of your feelings is more important to him is entirely wrong.

# 1 do not look into finding a therapist to help with anxiety, FIND ONE. Take care of you 1st. I take 2 meds for anxiety and do therapy. Learning how to deal with anxiety helps me way more than popping a pill. Although they both help in their own ways.

Be honest about how you feel about everything from day 1.
You need to stand up for yourself and not be expected to change everything again. remind your husband what you had initially planned to do for this visit. It is not your fault that things changed.

If they are expecting to stay with you, then this is a whole different story. That uproots your whole life. They canceled their plans and need to live with the consequences. You should not be expected to change your whole life because they changed their minds.

He can be a great guy when he wants to be, but his controlling actions are killing me

victims of abuse say this about their abusers time and again. They find reasons to excuse them (and not saying he's abusive but still the principle applies here) The fact of the matter is sure he "can" be great if he wants to be clearly he chooses not to and that's what matters most.

At this point it seems to me your best strategy is with self care and finding ways to cope. Like Em said stand firm in your position and let him spout and moan about it but ultimately find ways to assume he's going to be a spoiled brat about it and then ask with that assumption, "how can I cope with this knowing he's not going to like it?" and go from there. You can't make him behave to accommodate you, so find ways to cope and deal with it completely independent of his behavior.

That's exactly how I feel!

You are very correct. I have made excuses for him for years and finally decided to stop. It was at that point he stared telling me I was being mean to him. I know it's only because I'm not giving into his demands.

just checking in to see how it is going.

Ugh, I'm sorry you are getting stressed out over this pending visit. Is there anything you can do to make it easier? Are they staying in a hotel? Can you tell your husband that he is on the hook for entertaining and stick to it?

Is his son old enough to make the trip on his own? It would be one thing if it was just the child - having the parents is what makes it sound especially draining.