[Aaliya09]

I know it is very long, but can't help it. please support me!
I need help to sort out my thinking. Me and my bf were together from last year and lives in different states, but often meet atleast monthly once. We love each other very much and we fight that much too. He has a frnd (lets name as P) from about 3yrs i think, that he could do anything for her and they feel very comfortable with each other and share everything. That is a gang of 6 frnds including his ex gf and P(some of them r common frnds to me). I used to see his phone too where he dont have any issues with that and i allow him to see my phone too and it doesnt mean like spying but i just want to know more about him because he wont open up easily and i dont bother and wont check messages with other girls, but used to see only his messages with ex gf because i dnt knw wat happend btwn them and he dnt want to discuss about past so he wont mind if i see though.. but suddenly he started to hide messages of his frnd P, and started to change his phone and laptop passwds when i came back from vacation of 40 days. I asked him y he changed and deleted conversations with her., he told that she wants to maitain some privacy as she shares her personal things with him, thatz y he had to delete. But who bothers about her messages here? I am the only one who touch his phone rarely but never even tried to see her messages. Then y he had to delete if she wants maintain her privacy? Then i fought with him about that and when we were in deep fighting, he called me with her name (P) i was shocked and felt very bad that he even remembering her in our conversations and even calling me with her name and this happened few times like calling with me with her name unknowingly! And he went to her place to celebrate his bday but not with me but whenever i start to fight about these he only say bottom line as he loves me more and i am very important to him. Well i may be important, but i am feeling not as important as P . Even after these many fights hez still talking to her and thats ok as i dnt want to control him but its continuing that he is hiding her messages from me and he always mention about her in our conversations atleast at some point saying that she said like this, this is important day for her and all. But he never remember what i said even yesterday, so i wanted to give it a trail to see if atleast he can remember the important day that is our anniversary. I told him before couple of days of that day is precious to me, but he didnt even remember that and not even a wishing message that day. And he told me that, they wont even drag my topic ,atleast my name also wont come in between their conversations, and she dont know about our relationship ( i can understand this, as his ex is also common good frnd to P) but how could he not even talk simple things about me like atleast how good frnd im to him? But he always get her name in our conversations that he give good importance to her, and how much he trusts her. I am feeling lonely and feeling possessive now, but i dont want to control him to talk to his frnds, but im just wondering how could he live with me if he is not even comfortable to talk to her when im around him, how could he see her in my face? How could he call me with her name? He also calls her dear, and also calls me dear. How could someone call two different people with same name? So i am thinking to break up with him completely, but i cant leave him. Atleast i want to be a good frnd with him. Is that okay if your bf calls u with his frnd's name unknowingly? Is that okay if your bf cant remember wat u said but remebers others? I asked him many times wht it is like this, but only thing he could say is, P is my frnd and me as his love of life. Then how could he do this to me? Not even mentioning my name to her, calling me with her name? After seeing all these, i want to get away from his life as i dnt want to control him with my feelings and fights! Am i thinking in correct way? Is my decision to breakup with him right? But i can say that he is not cheating and he is a good guy, but i dont know why all these happening and i tried to ask him and sort out these things, but he wont give any clear explanation and say only one thing that he loves me, thatz it! But that wont let me calm down with the questions i have! Then i just stop nagging him asking questions as i have a fear that he might get irritated or frustated with fights. But what about my insecure feelings?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central Aaliya. Sorry for the delay in responding. I am sorry you are having difficulties in a relationship.

It sounds complicated and some of his actions seem very hurtful. I am not sure how much you depend on him for financial support. If you are dependent is there any relative or friend that you have long standing ties with.

A social worker or therapist might help you understand the situation and guide you.

Fighting is definitely not a good basis for a relationship. Talking with a therapist could reveal if this is a healthy relationship or one that is not helping you.

[SFVQ]

It seems you placed boundaries in the first place, but still allowed him to communicate with her. However, they sure are talking a lot for being broken up. It's perfectly normal for you to be uncomfortable about the fact that he is talking to an ex regularly, in my opinion you are not being over possessive. Chatting on Facebook occasionally is one thing, but unless you are heavily exaggerating in your post, I would not describe your behavior as possessive. In fact, you being able to identify your behavior as potentially possessive shows that you have an adequate level of self awareness.