[rufio89]

I've been battling with the idea of "talking" about this with people so bear with me...

My partner and I have been together for a couple of years and got engaged this February. We have the wedding booked for July '16.

We'd been essentially 'friends with benefits' on and off for a couple of years before we eventually got together, so when we decided to make it 'official', we got pretty serious pretty quickly and we've always said how lucky we are that our relationship is so happy and easy.

We moved in together last September and things were still great and we adapted to cohabiting very quickly, without the teething problems we'd both experienced in previous relationships. We've always been good at communicating and laid out our expectations from the outset.

However... over the last month or so things have been strained for want of a better word. We've only had one actual fight (we never have fought much), but we seem to be constantly getting in each others way, bickering and just feeling a lot like we're just passing the time rather than enjoying things. I know that bickering is something that couples often just do, but things just dont feel right at the moment.

We've had a number of conversations on the subject, we both feel the same way, like we're going through the motions a bit. We've both reiterated how much we love each other, we definitely still want to get married and we want to get through this hump or whatever it is.

But I'm just terrified. One of the things that attracted me to him so much when we first met is how different to me he is. I overthink everything, I've suffered on and off for depression through my teens and most of my adult life (although less so in recent years). He's very carefree, he's basically always happy and even when he gets sad it passes very quickly, but now I look back over our relationship I feel like he's becoming more like me and generally much less happy. He used to really love his job and the more he talked about it, I couldnt understand why - it didnt sound to me like they treated him very well, and now I've planted this seed in his head, now he's been getting more stressed out by his work. I pushed so hard when we first got together that he had his head in the sand about things and it was important he saw the real picture, and now I cant think why. I'm scared I've made him change his outlook on life to a much more negative one and have made these cracks appear as a result.

I just dont know what to do, I dont know how to fix this.

[CANDC]

Rufio, welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry for your pain and anxiety from your relationship maturing. My own expectations that I am going to meet the person that will make me happy makes me vulnerable to this type of pain. It makes finding out that things are not as idyllic as I imagined so difficult. I find it difficult to let go and accept this relationship has many problems, in your case seeing your own behaviors and tendencies in your partner. The pain from this type of situation is the disappointment I fear being let down one more time. It goes back into my past and really has more to do with the lack of nurturing and acceptance that happened to me earlier in life.

Do you have a therapist who can try to see where this pain is leading to. It is a cave that opened up and following may show you what this really is all about. A problem with our inner child and our own excessive expectations.

Why not put off the marriage date for a year and take the pressure off. It might not be the right time and situation for that long term commitment that is legally messy to dissolve, especially if you start having children. That will give you time to work out differences and face things that will not change. A therapist for couples could help. Resistance to this could be an indication of not being willing to change. Relationships are full of negotiation. It takes two open minded people to make a relationship be dynamic and not just functional.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.
http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.