[turquoisesea]

Especially for those guys here, lets say you're into a girl, and she isn't really into you but you think she is.

What is the best / most comfortable way to be told this fact?

It's always such a tricky conversation, and I hate leading people on.

[bluekoi]

turquoisesea, I think being honest is the best way. You could say your not feeling the same "attraction". Back it up with telling him his good qualities and offering friendship (if you want). No one wants to be hurt, but being led on causes much more pain.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I agree that being honest is the best way and there is really know way to know how to let a guy down easy. For one, how one might react may be entirely different and there may be nothing you can do to keep him from reacting as if he'd been crushed by an elephant. Unfortunately I do not have good advice here because there is no single answer for this without knowing the other person, the situation etc.

but go with honestly always. And in general, I'd always just try to be as empathetic and compassionate as you can about revealing this information, unless the guy is a lech and you have no problem pushing him away in a more aggressive manner XD

[eskielover]

One way to look at it also might be from your own perspective.....how is the best way that you take a guy that you are interested who is not that interested in you letting you down?

Honestly is always the best because when we try to say things in other ways they sometimes get misunderstood or misinterpreted. Always good to be honest, straight forward but let them know that there is just not enough in common for a relationship to work..

A lot better than using the line....."it's not you it's me".

However like S4ndm4n said...if the guy refuses to get it or is a real lech sometimes you have to be aggressive. Sometimes the baseball bad (or rolling pin) becomes necessary depending on the person you are dealing with.

I had a guy that I just wasn't into for many good reasons like controlling, but I enjoyed riding horses with him & an occasional dinner & movie but he wanted me to commit to specific dated 6 months in advance just to go out to dinner I politely told him that I NEVER plan my life that far in advance & I definitely don't even usually plan what I'm doing the next day until it gets there so there was no way I was going to do that. I was seriously getting the feeling of how controlling he actually was & started just not being available to do things with him. I'm glad that I caught the red flag because I knew him through 2 marriages until he died of cancer a few months before my mother did & his last wife was so relieved to be free of him in the end as he wouldn't even let her go out of the house or do any of the things that were her interests & his first wife just up & left without saying anything. Looking back I realize that she valued her freedom more than she valued the things from the marriage.

Good luck with this.....I'm sure you will handle it in the most respectful & kind way that is needed.

[mountain human]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

Especially for those guys here, lets say you're into a girl, and she isn't really into you but you think she is.

What is the best / most comfortable way to be told this fact?

It's always such a tricky conversation, and I hate leading people on.

Like a Band-Aid, pull it off fast!

[tearsinabottle]

I agree with the others here that honesty with compassion is the best way. Being clear in a nice way so there wont be misunderstandings.

I know its not as easy as its being said when having to turn someone down, I have been there myself and its difficult, but honesty is the best way always.

[RichardBrooks]

Whatever you do, tell the truth. Many moons ago, my fiancee told me she was going to visit her mom when she was really going to visit her ex boyfriend; she never came back. Another told me she was a lesbian and started dating another guy soon after we broke up. Another... while planning our wedding, I found out she was still married to her 'ex', and when I told her she had to divorce him in order to marry me, she kicked me out and moved him in. Another told me she was "yours, only yours, and yours forever", two weeks before getting involved with someone else and four weeks before I found out about the other guy.

So, yeah, be honest. Because I hear women all the time wondering where all the good guys are... We're hiding behind high, thick walls that No One will get through again.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I don't think this was a question related to whether she should outright lie or not or make up some crappy story. I think it's a matter of how to tell a guy it's over without completely obliterating his heart and feelings.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Don't worry, most heterosexual men are quite certain that any woman who does not fancy him must be gay. It is that simple.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Don't worry, most heterosexual men are quite certain that any woman who does not fancy him must be gay. It is that simple.

That's quite the broad stroke you paint there. Speak for yourself your own experience, but not every heterosexual man in the world is an egotistical b*tard.

[mountain human]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

Especially for those guys here, lets say you're into a girl, and she isn't really into you but you think she is.

What is the best / most comfortable way to be told this fact?

It's always such a tricky conversation, and I hate leading people on.

Originally Posted by RichardBrooks

Whatever you do, tell the truth. Many moons ago, my fiancee told me she was going to visit her mom when she was really going to visit her ex boyfriend; she never came back. Another told me she was a lesbian and started dating another guy soon after we broke up. Another... while planning our wedding, I found out she was still married to her 'ex', and when I told her she had to divorce him in order to marry me, she kicked me out and moved him in. Another told me she was "yours, only yours, and yours forever", two weeks before getting involved with someone else and four weeks before I found out about the other guy.

So, yeah, be honest. Because I hear women all the time wondering where all the good guys are... We're hiding behind high, thick walls that No One will get through again.

Ouch!

[tearsinabottle]

She sounds like a narcissistic, Richard. I am sorry but you are doing better without her. No one deserves to be deceived and lied to.

Originally Posted by mountain human

Ouch!

[tearsinabottle]

My respons was to Richard. Seems like I have quoted on wrong place. I am sorry.

[tearsinabottle]

She sounds like a narcissist You deserve better.

Originally Posted by RichardBrooks

Whatever you do, tell the truth. Many moons ago, my fiancee told me she was going to visit her mom when she was really going to visit her ex boyfriend; she never came back. Another told me she was a lesbian and started dating another guy soon after we broke up. Another... while planning our wedding, I found out she was still married to her 'ex', and when I told her she had to divorce him in order to marry me, she kicked me out and moved him in. Another told me she was "yours, only yours, and yours forever", two weeks before getting involved with someone else and four weeks before I found out about the other guy.

So, yeah, be honest. Because I hear women all the time wondering where all the good guys are... We're hiding behind high, thick walls that No One will get through again.

[RichardBrooks]

Yeah... it wasn't one 'she' but four (and those are just the ones I mentioned). Yes, I do deserve better. But I also have to protect myself; those walls are not ever coming down again.

But this isn't my thread; my only intention was to make clear that honesty is the best policy in these situations. They say the truth hurts, and I won't argue with that. Some truths are painful to hear and painful to bear. But anything less than absolute honesty is disrespectful and destructive. If the relationship needs to end, end it respectfully and maturely. Another thing about being honest (as opposed to hiding the truth) is maybe by bringing thoughts, feelings, issues to light, the relationship can be made healthier

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

That's quite the broad stroke you paint there. Speak for yourself your own experience, but not every heterosexual man in the world is an egotistical b*tard.

That is a pity. Life is so very much easier if you can be an egotistical bustard.

[tearsinabottle]

I understand it wasnt your thread, I just couldnt help react to what she did. Yes, you certainly do deserve better. Meeting people like these makes us be very careful and its a good thing to have our eyes opened to that there are people out there who absolutely dont care what they do to others.

Originally Posted by RichardBrooks

Yeah... it wasn't one 'she' but four (and those are just the ones I mentioned). Yes, I do deserve better. But I also have to protect myself; those walls are not ever coming down again.

But this isn't my thread; my only intention was to make clear that honesty is the best policy in these situations. They say the truth hurts, and I won't argue with that. Some truths are painful to hear and painful to bear. But anything less than absolute honesty is disrespectful and destructive. If the relationship needs to end, end it respectfully and maturely. Another thing about being honest (as opposed to hiding the truth) is maybe by bringing thoughts, feelings, issues to light, the relationship can be made healthier

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Don't worry, most heterosexual men are quite certain that any woman who does not fancy him must be gay. It is that simple.

I did NOT FANCY most of the guys I dated but I DEFINITELY WASN'T GAY......that IS a very egotistical way of thinking of one's self that if a girl wasn't gay that she would HAVE to be interested in you.......if women said that it was probably because they didn't want to hurt you & that was the easiest lie they could come up with......LOL...especially for ALL Those guys who threaten suicide when the girl tells them they aren't interested in them. (I can generalize also). None of the above statements are true but some use them to get out of relationships or manipulate the other person.

All of which are seriously dysfunctional communication skills.

[sabby]

Hey folks, let's get this thread back on topic please and not snipe at one another personally, it's not supportive of the OP. We all have our own opinions, but it's best not to generalize.

Thanks!

[turquoisesea]

Thanks everyone for the responses here!!

In answer to one question, no I'm not wanting to lie or anything.. it was more how would you bring the subject up in the least painful way possible for the other person? That sort of thing.

I was looking for some perspective and this definitely helps!