[blueeyes87]

I'm new to posting but not really sure where else to go... Anyway...
I have been with my boyfriend for a year. Before I met him I'd got to a stage in my life where I felt happy and content, with myself and my life, but since entering the relationship this has all crumbled. He is absolutely brilliant and deals with my anxieties/worries and outbursts as best he can. We were amazing together for a couple of months before my unfounded jealousies caused our first big argument. Since then, our good times are still amazing, which is why I think we've managed to keep going together. However, I keep f***ing up - it's got so bad that nearly every week I 'find' something about the way he acts that makes me unhappy and we argue. I've been worried that this is beacause I'm not actually in love with him, but after lots of soul searching and periods of time apart, I know that I am. I seem to have great trouble letting him just be himself and end up flying off the handle if I think he's not paying me enough attention/looking elsewhere/wants time out... I'm a smart person - I KNOW how I should behave and how I want to be, I just can't seem to keep at it! It took me a long time to become 'happy' with myself and strong enough to be ok alone, but I seem to have reverted back to the insecure mess I was a few years back. I don't want to let this behavior ruin this (or future) relationships - he's the first guy I've ever met that I can see and want a future with, and he wants (possibly wanted) a future with me. I see my outbursts at him as starting with a silly worry, which I'm usually rational enough to tell myself it's silly, but then it wont leave my mind, I mull it over so much that I seem to find proof for it everywhere, all the while he is none the wiser, and act distant and get angry that he hasn't noticed anything is wrong (how could he?!) and then I start/cause an argument and blame HIM for not communicating properly/enough-! He's so supportive, I've told him all of my problems/insecurities, but it still keeps happening and it makes him so sad. I'm nearly 30 and have a great job that I love, but all of my relationships have been clouded by me becoming too needy and dependent yet when I'm single I'm so able and independent - friends have complimented me on it! I don't want to have to be single for the rest of my life because I can't be normal when I have a boyfriend! I don't know if I have attachment issues leftover from childhood, with a mix of low self esteem, or what... I know that I need to do something now as I am so close to losing this relationship. I'm afraid of that but I've got to the point where I now that if I don't sort myself out, I'll never have a happy relationship with him or anyone in the future. I am considering seeing a counselor, and my friend has highly recommended CBT. I guess my relationship problems are a result of, not a cause of, my unhappiness. I know I have a lot going for me but sometimes I just can't hep but think that I'm failing in comparison to others and my self worth can get really low - instead of this making me feel sorry for myself though, my trait seems to be self sabotage. I don't want to seem weak and broken, but in acting out I am being just that. The person who loves and supports me the most is getting so much ***** from me I am genuinely surprised he's still here. But I can't keep it up, because I want to make him/someone happy enough to be free with me, not scared/feeling like they're walking on eggshells. Any comments/advice/article links/friendly help would be gratefully accepted I want to change for the better!

[jaymoq]

blueeyes87, your post is eerily similar to exactly what I am going through now. When single, I am a very independent and strong person, but when I am in a relationship, I morph in to this dependent and insecure individual. It is very disconcerting, to say the least.

For me, I find that my problems stem from a need to please others. When I am single, it is just ME I focus on. I do what I want, when I want. However, when I am in a group (relationship or even friends) I have this need to concede and be a 'team player'. I'm not saying that is what is happening here, but I start my relationships being SO supportive and SO willing to bend over backwards to have people like me that once 6 months or more pass, that gets tiring and I start to miss being independent. I am just trying to share my own experiences, in the event this could be similar to what you experience?

I will say counseling is an excellent option. And, above all, being honest with your partner AND yourself.

Think about things you did when you are single and evaluate whether you're not doing that any more. I find myself super isolated when I am in a relationship. I have had to force myself to do the things I did when I was single, like go on hikes by myself or even invite my partner along.

Above all, know that you're not some sort of exception and that this is bizarre. Because, I'm halfway across the world and have the same sort of pattern. Reaching out is a great step. Seeking professional help and determining the cause for these feelings and ways to cope and work with them is the next.

[blueeyes87]

Originally Posted by jaymoq

blueeyes87, your post is eerily similar to exactly what I am going through now. When single, I am a very independent and strong person, but when I am in a relationship, I morph in to this dependent and insecure individual. It is very disconcerting, to say the least.

For me, I find that my problems stem from a need to please others. When I am single, it is just ME I focus on. I do what I want, when I want. However, when I am in a group (relationship or even friends) I have this need to concede and be a 'team player'. I'm not saying that is what is happening here, but I start my relationships being SO supportive and SO willing to bend over backwards to have people like me that once 6 months or more pass, that gets tiring and I start to miss being independent. I am just trying to share my own experiences, in the event this could be similar to what you experience?

I will say counseling is an excellent option. And, above all, being honest with your partner AND yourself.

Think about things you did when you are single and evaluate whether you're not doing that any more. I find myself super isolated when I am in a relationship. I have had to force myself to do the things I did when I was single, like go on hikes by myself or even invite my partner along.

Above all, know that you're not some sort of exception and that this is bizarre. Because, I'm halfway across the world and have the same sort of pattern. Reaching out is a great step. Seeking professional help and determining the cause for these feelings and ways to cope and work with them is the next.

It's good (right word?!) to hear that from someone else-!
I expect you're actually bang on with the isolation part too - I tell myself I'm the same person, but I don't see my friends half as much, go to things I used to... I haven't picked up a book in ages, which is a small but telling thing! And my boyfriend in no way isolates me or encourages that... It seems like when I get with a partner I subconsciously put a big tick through 'fulfillment' in my mind as if that person will bring all the happiness that I usually get from many other sources and people. What a lot of pressure for him :/ And it's no wonder it makes me angry! He can't possibly make me happy if I'm not even trying to make myself happy!
At the moment he's so cross and sad that he needs a bit of time out, so I have no idea where it will go but my shoulders feel so much lighter from just posting here and hearing back from you, so thank you...
I wish I knew where I got this trait - I expect it's a combination of learnt behavior from parents and already present personality traits.
Anyway, what I'm taking from this is that I need to do something about it now, as I deserve to be happy and I shouldn't let myself get in the way of that (which sounds very mental indeed...)