[momofamob]

Ok, quick background. I was married, that ended with the suicide of my husband in 07, had 3 girls. I then had a relationship with an abusive alcoholic, I had twins from that relationship, ended in 2012. I am in a new relationship with a nice guy, he's divorced, has 3 boys who he has 50/50 custody of. I grew up with an alcoholic father who my mom divorced when I was in my early teens, and being that I was the oldest, I helped her out as much as I could with my younger brothers growing up.

I am planning on moving in with him later this month (about a 20 mile drive from where I currently live), which is causing some upset with my kids, but most especially with my oldest. I believe this is normal and with time, things will improve.

My issue, however, is my mom. She is not supportive of the move (which I understand, considering what happened in that god awful relationship I was in). She will repeatedly ask my oldest how she feels about it, and then every time, will tell my dd that she just thinks it's a bad idea. My SO is not abusive, controlling, rarely drinks, has a good, full time job, works, takes care of his kids, pays child support, etc. but my mom doesn't seem to like him much. He's adding on to his house so that there will be room for all of us, and has not once asked me for money, even though I offered him what little I could and he refused it. She talks to everyone in the family about it and what a bad idea it is, and apparently has tried to get my brothers to "talk to me" but I've never heard from them.

I think it's because he backs me up and actually reinforces me when I ask my kids to do something and tells them that they should do what I ask them to do, and my kids have complained to my mom about that. That's my fault and I own it, as I'm quite laid back and if I ask my kids to do something and they don't, I just up and do it myself. My kids seem to get along with him fine otherwise, we've done lots of things together; they like to joke around with him quite a bit. I know that relationships like this cannot be forced and that there will be good and bad times for a while.

My mom is quite good at laying on guilt trips. She did it with my oldest dd yesterday, telling her that "she never hears from her unless she calls my dd first, that she doesn't even know if we're alive (we live approx. 2 hrs away) she never calls unless she needs something." My dd is almost 13. She told my mom that she thought about her the other day, but was busy and didn't get a chance to call. Lately, I'm the one who has been calling her, and she never calls anymore, and hardly seems to be wanting to speak with me since we decided to move.

BTW, my mom is 58 and in good health. They are in our town every weekend in the summer at their cabin. She doesn't hang out with anyone except her boyfriend and according to her, they rarely go anywhere or do anything.

I had to rehome our (very large) dog, due to him being scared of many things and aggressive at times. He has snapped at a few people, one of which was my dd's friend. My mom thinks that it is my fault for not socializing him properly, and doesn't seem to understand that I was only looking out for the kids. I suppose that it was my fault, but I never had this problem with any other dog I owned, but it's hard having 5 kids and I thought I was doing the best I could. She was convinced that we kept him in his crate all the time, which was NOT true, he liked to lay in there, as he felt safe and treated it almost as his den. The door was always open and he could go in and out as he pleased. She is a MAJOR dog person and treats her dogs as if they were people and/or her new kids.

She gets angry if I or one of my brothers can't make it into town where she lives for something. Or is someone can't make it for anything she plans, but if I was to invite her, and she doesn't want to go, we are to just accept it. For instance, over the memorial holiday, my SO and I invited her and her boyfriend up to my SO's home for a cookout, so that she could see where we will be living. She avoided my calls and texts until the day she was to go home. When I spoke to her, she told me that her, her boyfriend, my brother (who happened to come up with his girlfriend) all decided to go to a winery nearby and that she'll come to visit later this summer, probably.

She gets mad if any of us happen to have to split a holiday with any of our SO's families. She was mad that after I took my kids to visit her on Christmas day, the next day I took my kids and went to visit my SO's family for 2 days in TN then came back and spent another day at her place, saying that since he's not family, I shouldn't have gone and spent all my time with her. Maybe I was wrong there, too. I don't know

This is causing me to avoid her, as she will get snippy with me on the phone. As I said, she doesn't seem to want to call/talk to me unless I call her first. I avoid discussing anything related to moving or my relationship as I don't want to upset her. We were talking everyday and then sometimes if she'd call and I wasn't home, or didn't answer my cell right away, she'd call repeatedly until I answered, saying she thought something happened to me.

She says I'm an adult and can make my own choices, but the way she's acting seems to say something else. It upsets me greatly when she's angry with me, or if I do anything to upset her. I care very much (to the point that I'm beginning to realize is unhealthy) about what she thinks of what I do with my life. I have been having so much anxiety lately and this is consuming my thoughts. I just need to get this out. I do understand her concern about everything, I just wish she'd be supportive, I guess.

Am I being a spoiled brat and just not seeing it? Am I treating my mom poorly? How do I get away from not being so focused on whether or not she's angry with me and so worried about what she thinks? I don't even know anymore if I'm asking the right questions? If you made it this far, thanks for reading and any help you can give.

[CANDC]

I was a kid that moved during junior high and I think it disrupted my growing up and put me in a foreign environment without friends.

Could you date this guy for another year and spend 1 day on the weekends with the kids there so they might become acclimated.

What about a family counselor to hear everyone's grievances and try and work out a solution fair to all.

My biggest fear is you move in and relationship hits rocks when day to day reality kicks in.

[*Laurie*]

Ooh, you're in a new relationship and already moving in together? Hun...chances are you're going way too fast.

[~Christina]

How " New" is this new relationship?

[momofamob]

I apologize, I forgot to say we have been together for a year and a half. When he doesn't have his kids, he usually spends time with us and we do things with them. We also go out and do things with all of our kids. We've taken them on an out of town trip, too.

[*Laurie*]

Ohhh...well, 1 1/2 years isn't really new. I thought you meant a month or two.

[newday2020]

I think the family therapy is a great idea!! CANDC has a good idea about waiting a year also. The whole family can benefit and the other kids will too. Therapy can strengthen you to have better relations with your mother too. It is good you are aware that wanting her approval is becoming unhealthy for you. Don't be in a hurry but use this year to help your family and yourself. Your boyfriend sounds like a good person.