[Macd123]

Sitting here alone again on a beautiful day reflecting. I'm older now but I still dread having to go through Summer again without some compassion. I've always looked ahead thinking someday you'll be doing those long beach walks and campfire talks with somebody special - well that never really happened. Sure there's time left but I can't help but be miserable looking at all the empty space behind me. So you sit there cursing the cold universe thinking there really isn't any justice. It does no good because after the negative thinking there you are alone, in the deafening silence, with the romantic history of a corpse. The really ****ed up part is I know that my own inability to get involved has doomed me to look at young couples and hate their smugness. I really do hate them and bitter is too kind of word for where I ended up. So screw you sunshine, watermelon and poolside lounging - I will be in the basement underneath the pile of sedatives. Moaning and writing my eulogy. Alone of course.

[cloudyn808]

I'm so sorry you are in pain...I grew up in Seattle and know how much we all looked forward to warmth and sunshine. I spent many summers feeling let down because "my summer" didn't look like everyone else's. You're not alone and I, for one, understand how hard it is to watch others experience (what looks like) "happiness." It may be hard but I encourage you to go out, raise your face to the sunshine and allow some healing energy in. I hope you find some peace of mind soon

[ididwhat?]

Originally Posted by Macd123

Sitting here alone again on a beautiful day reflecting. I'm older now but I still dread having to go through Summer again without some compassion. I've always looked ahead thinking someday you'll be doing those long beach walks and campfire talks with somebody special - well that never really happened. Sure there's time left but I can't help but be miserable looking at all the empty space behind me. So you sit there cursing the cold universe thinking there really isn't any justice. It does no good because after the negative thinking there you are alone, in the deafening silence, with the romantic history of a corpse. The really ****ed up part is I know that my own inability to get involved has doomed me to look at young couples and hate their smugness. I really do hate them and bitter is too kind of word for where I ended up. So screw you sunshine, watermelon and poolside lounging - I will be in the basement underneath the pile of sedatives. Moaning and writing my eulogy. Alone of course.

Wow. I can relate. In fact, I could've written this myself except my time is running out, and I don't hate the young couples so much as I hate that they remind me of what I may never have again.
Hang tough, Macd123... I'll join you.

[Macd123]

It's a helpless feeling - you can't buy back that time and my bones are creaking. The days of hot and heavy love making are gone. I feel like I'm the only one who lives in this void - I never wanted to be a martyr, I don't hang well from the cross. I can dream it and that's tragic.